if any of you have ever written movies, post em.
here's mine, don't be too harsh on it.
some of you might like the content.

Attached Files

john's Movie.doc (55.5 KB, 85 views)

Do amateur porn scripts count?

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did you really take the time to say that.
im disappointed

And I'm bored. Killing time until I go to bed lol

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I have written several. Here is one about a power metal band. Only about 2 pages, but I think it still kicks. I'm going to write teh rest later:

Attached Files

THE LEGEND OF BEAST_MEAT.doc (16.0 KB, 77 views)

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the plot is fucking kickass.
i can't wait for the script.

thanks man. Yea, I only have the intro so far, but I think it'll turn out pretty interesting.


I have a few other scripts in progress. I probably wont post them, though.

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It was not bad, but not great either. Feels like its a cliche story with original additions to it. I felt the "teenage" talking at the start of the story was a tad tedious and exaggerated, even though that's pretty much how it is. Critics would not like the film I presume. Most would say it's an unintelligible story with hardly any plot except for people smoking weed. Obviously its not movie-length, unless you made all those "dream/inquisitive" parts long, but I don't know whether you would.

Yeah so I guess its good, but definantly needs more work.

Also, you can't compose "classical" music now . But you can compose music of the classical style, or modern classical. Your overt references to the fact that you plan to compose classical got annoying, but I guess I wouldn't have to deal with that when I watch the movie. Emperor was an interesting addition.


edit: forgot to add, lulz@paul's speech to the waitress. It just seemed forced in that context. I also highly doubt its original, but I wouldn't really know. Maybe in America where people aren't nice to each other and stores haven't heard of customer service (generalized but fuck you fags), but in many other much,much better countries in the world such as this one, employees would be out the door straight away for backchat like that. Just seemed unrealistic.

thanks for crits man.
the way i see the plot is paul's subconscious skepticism of life-after-death and christianity.
the first hallucination is how it is from gods point of view. Blacki and white, heaven and hell.
the second one is from satans, being punished for seeking knowledge and strength.
these would probably be around 10-20 minutes each y'know?

Pauls speech is original (if that's what you're asking)
, i dunno i guess it was pretty unrealistic but some people like that (fat americans lawl) just pass it off as, "you're going through a rough stage".
and i just like the fact that it's in there.

the "classical Music" would be contemporary (cuz that's the most erratic and violent, you may have noticed that i was already using shostakovichs 8th for one scene

yeah i guess it is pretty cliche, teenage finding way through life. but he doesn't, and it's a new way to put it, darker i guess. have you written one?
post it up here!

problematic: If your comment is really 'you can't compose classical music today,' go suck a dick. That's pointless beyond pointless. Don't waste real peoples' time with shit like that.

Okay. So, all the dialogue is sloppy and generally poor. There's no distinction of voices (the Voice itself sounds pretty much like the teenage boys, which is a real problem), a lot of lines are contrived and require setups that no teenager would ever give (though you can take care of that just by writing better; if something's unreal in the right ways it will seem real), and too much of it's just excuses for Paul to philosophize and spit 'wisdom' over the faces of his friends like a porn star. It gets pretty tedious, and since not much happens aside from the people hanging out, the dialogue can't afford to get tedious. There are very few points where it's not dull in one of two directions: either as poorly prepared teenage cant, which just isn't clever or snappy enough to be entertaining, or in the manner of a philosophical dialogue in which one person has all the insight and everybody else's job is just to let him spill it. The waitress scene that twisted problematic's scrotum has that all over it, but so do most other scenes.

There's also the problem that there's really no connection between the wisdom spilled and the hallucinations.

Now, if you say 'beauty (colors and shit),' you've already undercut yourself. A lot of the descriptive writing was sloppy, which makes it pretty underwhelming when it needs to be impressive. It was also pretty unfocused; I didn't get any real sense of visual consistency from it, rather than just a bunch of shit that you thought might look cool strung together. And you never need to write 'This was just the part where such-and-such happened.' No point to that.

There's yet another problem in that this seems to be written pretty much without any idea of getting shot. A lot of scripts I've seen written by people who've never made a movie tend to be unfilmable, at least without a lot of money, and this is no exception. Which is, I suppose, fine, but if it's going to be presented as literature it should at least be a good read.

I'd say to go through it again with more care if you want to get your ideas across. Right now it's in pretty bad shape. I'd also say, and this is just because right now film work is pretty much my job, that you should format the script correctly, which is somewhat annoying in word but not really that difficult. Details like formatting it correctly and getting lazy colloquialisms out of you non-dialogue passages, making the descriptive passages look less half-assed, can really help the quality of the thing. And, if you ever wanted to shop this to get it made, you'd definitely have to format it anyway.

I'd suggest reading a lot of screenplays (you can find plenty for free online at Drew's Script-o-Rama).

As for moe's: That's a treatment with some dialogue written into it, not a screenplay. It's hard to comment on an uncompleted screenplay, but right now it looks like your overview at the beginning doesn't really have anything to do with the early scenes you wrote, which, if we're going to go in detail through the pre-band life of this dude and then through the story you made up, will end up making the thing interminably long. I don't have much else to say about that one.

I write a lot of screenplays. I do not post them on the internet.

id do something more like a comic, not really a script. kinda like a combination of both.

im sure folks alreadyt do this when making scripts. id figure drawing, something comic form would definately aid putting the whole idea across.

ive been wanting to do comic which would transition to alot of text at parts, which i may attempt soon.

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i know what you mean.
when i look at it paul just looks like a vehicle for deep stuff to his dumb friends.

a lot of the movie is about the hallucinations.

so yeah i'll try to make the dialogue less boring

PST, why do you not post your screenplays?

i've still been working on mine, but.... eh, i feel like looking back on it, people need to talk better

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I film my screenplays rather than write them as literature. The only people who read them are going to contribute to the movie in some way. You guys aren't (On that note, I just wrapped my third short this morning. Because I am awesome). This might sound like just another 'PST's-being-a-dick' snub, and it certainly is, but since my scripts are very tight (i.e. there's very little visual description and absolutely no discussion of what the camera does), the dialogue's meant to be heard, and certain bits of dialogue only make total sense when they're seen with the visuals (i.e., because they're written as a part of a total film-scheme I have in mind), I find it pretty pointless for people who aren't going to be working on the film, or who aren't among the people off of whom I bounce my ideas, to read them. If there's sufficient demand I'll post a screenplay or excerpt from something I've already shot.

Usually, in writing and re-writing, I try to follow this plan:

1. Work whatever idea, story fragment, or image that generated the thing into its proper size and shape, and keep it in my head for a few days (if I can't do this, it's not going to make it anyway). Take notes. Always take notes.
2. Write it straight through as quickly as possible, trusting to my instinct to fill in the details (if you're a good writer, and I have reasons to believe that I am, your instinct will only occasionally lead you astray; if you aren't, and that's not necessarily a reason not to write a screenplay, you should be more careful, as instinct my simply be whatever the hell you think might be cool without considering the situation and context).
3. Don't think about it for a day or two (try drinking, climbing a mountain, or a week-long career as a Victorian rent boy).
4. Go back to the screenplay, harsh as hell, and cut and reshape. Expand if necessary.
5. Continue doing so until the pieces fit in every detail.

The revision stage is the easiest place to lose steam and want to quit, because it doesn't always have the thrill of inspiration but rather requires the technical craft of writing, which is incredibly important and boring. It's also the stage that's most likely to determine if you're going to produce a real screenplay or just a fizzled out idea. If you really want to do something, push hard through that stage, even if it means everything gets changed. In almost any creative endeavor, you really, really, really can't half-ass revision.

Also, if you keep finding yourself dissatisfied with your dialogue, you might want to get rid of a lot of the dialogue. Since, as I recall, the main thrust of your piece are extended abstract visuals, it would probably be good to limit yourself to the dialogue that actually supports those. Which can be a tricky job and requires a lot of discipline.

Of course, aside from discipline and craft you need talent. But a lot of times it's hard to tell if you have any until you've learned the other two, and those, at least, are things that can be learned.

Do you have any of them hosted online?

Private message me if you do and don't mind.

I have nothing hosted online. And if I did, why would you assume I'd want you to see them so much more than anybody else here?

Cuz i lyke u

Well, stop it. Anybody here can tell you that you're not supposed to like me.