Well, you seemed to like the last thing I wrote... I was kind of hoping someone would get pissed off at it and I could flay them alive, but it was not to be.

Here's something else about the ridiculous...

PORNO CLICHES

5. Porno dialogue

There are underground experimental Turkmenistani films about the danger of reciting haiku about colonic irrigation in Sanskrit filmed with nothing more than a camel and tension wrench that have better dialogues than pornos. Rarely to the participants actually manage to say something sexy, than say something that you know instinctively (even when you're 16 and it's hard to believe those people on the screen are, like, *fucking*) you should never ever say for fear of losing your penis to your immediately wrathful partner.

"Did that hurt you bitch?"
"Ooooooooooh yeah. My asshole is SO TIGHT. SOOOOOOO TIGHT!"

It's impossible to approach the above epithets without laughing. First of all we know the reality of this dialogue...

"Did that hurt you bitch?"
*noticeable pause in proceedings*
"WHAT?"
*male participant rolls out of bed clutching his testicles, eyes wide and screaming, patches of skin oozing blood from under the women’s fingernails*
"Don't you DARE call me a bitch!"

...and what's more it's too FUNNY. And chuckling puts you in a non-appropriate state of mind for efficient masturbation.

4. Plot-bereft beginnings

A women can walk into a house, ask the plumber a slightly double entendré question, be a teacher with a disruptive pupil (who looks about.... 30), know the postman's first name, wear any uniform at all with just one button undone too many, not have ‘a pen to sign with’ at delivery or basically exist, and she'll be immediately beset with a guy whose cock resembles a torpedo in both size or intent. The reality of a guy waiting in a bar for hours, buying drinks for strangers, having both his wallet and his heart agonized time and again to eventually go home with someone he doesn't *actually* like to fuck in a desultory manner before going to sleep and waking up and feeling immediately awkward looking at the leviathan lying in the bed prostrate and snoring like an adenoidal pig beside him must be too boring to film.

3. Uber-male casting ability

I wonder why male porn stars fit into two categories:

1) Overweight middle aged white guys who look terrible
2) Guys who don't actually look stupid naked.

1) Overweight white guys are trying desperately to convince themselves that they're still, one day, going to be able to fuck that cheerleader they used to know. Even if she’s now 38 and works in a diner. The reality of someone else doing it makes that bile in their throat at their miserable failure a little less acidic.

2) Some of enjoy watching guys who are built (everywhere) and aesthetically pleasing fuck. Maybe we're just not overweight white males.

2. Tits

Alien life forms and frypans are supposed to be silicon based. Not tits. End of discussion.

1. Facial cumshots

WHAT is the OBSESSION with fucking for two hours then losing your load in some girls mouth from a distance? What sort of quasi-semen-worship is this? And afterwards the girl is obliged to smear the disgusting mess of dick juice and saliva EVERYWHERE. I think the Union withholds her performance fee if it doesn't cover at least 85% of her face. If a girl decided to suck YOUR penis in order simply to marinate her face in your semen, I think you'd do a bit of a double-take. It’s doubtful you’d complain, but you’d probably ask for an explanation… afterwards.

As a guy, you're a rarity if you want to SEE your own semen. If you could fuck without semen, admit it, you'd do it, straight away. No weird used-condom-inch-thick-skin feeling on your dick after you lose it, no more ducking out to flush that sucker down the toilet before it completely grosses her out, no more trying to do an overhand knot with one hand, no more accidents or fuck ups with condoms that may have well have been paper bags. (Trojan are shit. Don't use them. Ever. Ansell XL’s all the way.)

And the money-shot dialogue is the most ridiculous of all.

"I'm gonna cum in your mouth."
“Oh…ok…”

Is that for the benefit of the blind, who can't see your intention through the fact you have a handful of her hair and you're jerking off 3 inches from her nose? Honestly, that's equivalent to a guy standing on a cliff over sharp rocks with a rope around his neck, a gun in his hand, an empty bottle of poison by his feet… wearing a shirt that says "I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF".

And stop smiling! That's the worse possible deviation from reality. Girls look startled and rather apprehensive when you're about to forcibly ejaculate on them - they VERY rarely stare you straight in the eye grinning in delight while lining up your dick with surgical precision to the epicenter of their face while cranking it like a Model T Ford. And they never have that ‘benediction’ look when they get splattered with jism. That's a special kind of perversity that real life rarely has to offer. More's the pity.


Bless filth in all its forms. Life is not complete until I'm in porn.

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"Well, somebody's gotta eat this pizza!" and "I have an itch in the back of my throat. Will you scratch it." Are the best porn dialogue lines ever.

And sane old boy, when you're in a porno, please tell me which one so I wont ever accidentally see it. Actually, dont bother. It'll probably mention Escher somewhere in the title, anyway.

could be any funnier? porn is just for fun. period.

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you know sane, i really agree with you on the cum shot thing. i dont get why a guy would wanna see seman all over the place.....

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All i can say is "it's porn man, what do you expect?"

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