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Old 2005-02-01, 22:56
Zionist
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Saving the Princess Metal Style...

A protagonist comes to save a princess from a dragon!

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon,
saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers
and fucks the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes
and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all
the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe,
skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her
belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her,
then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front
of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual
before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of
the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body
again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for
the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could
never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon
eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The
dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the
princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he
learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking
for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.


* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight
the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch
fire.

* METALCORE
The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidently knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in an anger that someone messed up his dance routine.
__________________
A little section of Requiem's "I finally got laid" posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Requiem
Wore her out before I could finish(which im grateful for)


Funeral Mulch; My brutal death metal band from West Michigan.
 
Old 2005-02-01, 22:58
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hahahaha, that fucking rules. Especially the heavy metal one.
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
 
Old 2005-02-01, 23:06
blizzard_beast
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Haha, thats great, did you write that yourself?
 
Old 2005-02-01, 23:46
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hahaha that's fucking great I like the Viking Metal and the Heavy Metal one the best
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Old 2005-02-01, 23:54
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haha. that fuckin' rules......specially viking metal
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Old 2005-02-02, 00:13
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LOL thats great.
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Old 2005-02-02, 00:35
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lmao. I like the metalcore one the best.
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Please excuse me for I currently have a terminal erection, and the only cure is midget-cunny.
 
Old 2005-02-02, 00:36
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L,B'XXX
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omg, that was so funny! the more I read the more I laughed! Prog was great! Nu Metal and Metalcore were, too.

Awesome!
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Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
 
Old 2005-02-02, 00:59
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PST 88
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Funny, but I think you got a few things wrong. Let's be realistic here:

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess, and reads Tolkien to her in the enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives with a bottle of Jack Daniels, fights and slays the dragon, takes a scale off the dragon, sews it into his jean jacket, shows the new patch off to the princess, kills the bottle, and then passes out on top of her with his leather pants around his knees.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, comes at the dragon with his mighty axe, stops and realizes that, as a Viking, attacking a combatant with the ability to fight back is not his forte. So he gets back into his ship, sails to the dragon's hometown, kills the dragon's wife, children, and elderly parents, steals the dragon's possessions, razes the dragon's house, and goes home happy, having forgotten about the princess entirely.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight and stands around shirtless in the forest with his axe for a while until the dragon begins to make fun of how gay he looks, so he goes home and picks up his immense stash of TNT attained to no discernible purpose, sets it up around the sleeping dragon, and blows him up. Then, forgetting about the princess, finds the nearest phone and calls the local newspaper to let them know how evil he is. He is subsequently arrested but will be back on the outside again in 2014.

Aside from that you pretty much nailed them.
 
Old 2005-02-02, 01:27
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far_beyond_sane
You gamma-minus fucktards
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives with a bottle of Jack Daniels, fights and slays the dragon, takes a scale off the dragon, sews it into his jean jacket, shows the new patch off to the princess, kills the bottle, and then passes out on top of her with his leather pants around his knees.


Far too accurate.
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Old 2005-02-02, 03:24
KevC
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hahaha i loved the folk metal one hahaha
 
Old 2005-02-02, 03:34
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I thought the Doom and Progressive Metal were pretty funny....
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Quote:
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You thought of mixing wheat flour with saturated fat, and putting it the resultant shit in a styrofoam cup. Shine on, you crazy dead yellow diamond.

Quote:
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Old 2005-02-02, 03:42
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I liked the gore metal but he didn't fuck corpse of the dragon. Rule #1 of Gore Metal: No corpse goes undefiled. Allow me to rewrite it for you.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of
the castle and fucks the dragon's ass, intestines, and skull. he then fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts and drinks her blood from her skull. He skull fucks her then rapes her vagina and ass with a chainsaw. Then he fucks what is left of the carcass for the third time, burns her vagina lips together and fucks her in the ass for the last time. Then wonders around thinking what was the whole purpose of that disgusting act in the first place.
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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

“I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'.” - Early Cuyler
 
Old 2005-02-02, 03:47
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SmotPoker
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyOwnSavior
I liked the gore metal but he didn't fuck corpse of the dragon. Rule #1 of Gore Metal: No corpse goes undefiled. Allow me to rewrite it for you.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of
the castle and fucks the dragon's ass, intestines, and skull. he then fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts and drinks her blood from her skull. He skull fucks her then rapes her vagina and ass with a chainsaw. Then he fucks what is left of the carcass for the third time, burns her vagina lips together and fucks her in the ass for the last time. Then wonders around thinking what was the whole purpose of that disgusting act in the first place.

LMAO
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Old 2005-02-02, 04:40
powersofterror's Avatar
powersofterror
I am a tax on the world..
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Ha, sounds like fun to write your own....

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at sunrise, and runs away screaming. Later that day when it turns dusk, he finally puts some clothes on and paints his face. Now he's ready, so he goes back to the cave. He recites bad poetry to the dragon and then he cuts the dragon's throat with an axe in the shape of a dick. After eating some of the dragon raw, he jumps around jerking off with a slice of meat. Feeling sick to her stomach, the girl leaves unnoticed.
__________________
Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
 
Old 2005-02-02, 05:03
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Funny all around. Great modifications too.

Except, MyOwnSaviour, your version lacks one thing:

Lack of thick fluids spraying out of the corpses, as well as the lack of the word 'pus'. Other than that its all good..........
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Old 2005-02-02, 05:13
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MyOwnSavior
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloaca
Funny all around. Great modifications too.

Except, MyOwnSaviour, your version lacks one thing:

Lack of thick fluids spraying out of the corpses, as well as the lack of the word 'pus'. Other than that its all good..........
But of course.
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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

“I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'.” - Early Cuyler
 
Old 2005-02-02, 05:31
andrewc
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zionist, there are bad newbs and good newbs, and i think you're going to be one of the latter. best laugh i've had for ages. nu metal, heavy metal, and viking metal floated my boat the best.
 
Old 2005-02-02, 05:54
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Seasons in the Abyss
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Quote:
Originally Posted by powersofterror
Ha, sounds like fun to write your own....

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at sunrise, and runs away screaming. Later that day when it turns dusk, he finally puts some clothes on and paints his face. Now he's ready, so he goes back to the cave. He recites bad poetry to the dragon and then he cuts the dragon's throat with an axe in the shape of a dick. After eating some of the dragon raw, he jumps around jerking off with a slice of meat. Feeling sick to her stomach, the girl leaves unnoticed.


That's black metal humour down to a fine art. Same goes for PST with the 'Varg' version of the story.
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Through the eternal flame I travel
As the rain keeps falling...

Last edited by Seasons in the Abyss : 2005-02-02 at 05:59.
 
Old 2005-02-02, 06:40
powersofterror's Avatar
powersofterror
I am a tax on the world..
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damn that's not all...

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white sheep dog screaming "we ride the wiiiiiind!!!" whereas the dog is fine because the guy wieghts like 84 lbs,, and escapes from the dragon. As he is carrying the princess she falls off the "noble steed" and dies. He sings about the Lord of the Rings for the next 40 years.

hahahahahaha.
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
 
Old 2005-02-02, 07:58
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zionist
* METALCORE
The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidently knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in an anger that someone messed up his dance routine.


actually, fuck the rest....that is perfection.
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Old 2005-02-02, 09:28
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*BLACK METAL

The pessimist steals in on the coldest most grim and necro impaled lusting moonlit night at the hour of 12 from the coldest and highest mountain of the north, and spits the most vile and blackened incantation of perpetual hatred and perfect evil at the dragon before impaling him on the most inverted crucifix and leaving him in the grim and frostbitten forest of the lusting necronymphs. Then he comes back to the blackened looming castle of the necrowhore and sodomises her on the most inverted pentagram in the north and sacrificing her to the very evil blackened demigod of the northern moonlit pentagrams of satan's lusting impaled blackened angelic symphonic inverted evil button collection of upmost hate and perfect unholyness.
 
Old 2005-02-02, 10:48
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old stuff but still good shit
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Old 2005-02-02, 13:55
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*METALCORE
The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidently knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in an anger that someone messed up his dance routine, whilst still pointing one finger in the air along to the beat in his head.


that happens alot 'here'
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Old 2005-02-02, 14:21
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*METALCORE
The faggot lead singer arse-rapes the dragon and enjoys it thoroughly, but runs away when the princess starts hitting on him.
 
Old 2005-02-02, 16:35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
Funny, but I think you got a few things wrong. Let's be realistic here:

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess, and reads Tolkien to her in the enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives with a bottle of Jack Daniels, fights and slays the dragon, takes a scale off the dragon, sews it into his jean jacket, shows the new patch off to the princess, kills the bottle, and then passes out on top of her with his leather pants around his knees.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, comes at the dragon with his mighty axe, stops and realizes that, as a Viking, attacking a combatant with the ability to fight back is not his forte. So he gets back into his ship, sails to the dragon's hometown, kills the dragon's wife, children, and elderly parents, steals the dragon's possessions, razes the dragon's house, and goes home happy, having forgotten about the princess entirely.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight and stands around shirtless in the forest with his axe for a while until the dragon begins to make fun of how gay he looks, so he goes home and picks up his immense stash of TNT attained to no discernible purpose, sets it up around the sleeping dragon, and blows him up. Then, forgetting about the princess, finds the nearest phone and calls the local newspaper to let them know how evil he is. He is subsequently arrested but will be back on the outside again in 2014.

Aside from that you pretty much nailed them.


You kick too much ass. They are going to start to pass ordinances limiting how much ass you're allowed to kick if you don't slow down soon.

One thing I felt was negligently forgotten in the gore metal predictions is that the gore metaller would have obviously enough come back several times over the period of 4-6 weeks to fuck the corpses. They always come back, because, while fucking a burnt, disemboweled, and battered corpse is always fun, nothing beats fucking a corpse in an advanced state of maturation. He would probably even come back occasionally after the corpse had already been skeletonized just to masturbate near or over it. I can't believe nobody picked up on this... for shame!
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Old 2005-02-02, 16:42
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Holy shit that post by pst is goddamn hilarious
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Old 2005-02-02, 16:42
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Advanced state of maturation. ha.
 
Old 2005-02-02, 18:10
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i_hate_nu_metal
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holy shit, man. this is some funny shit. I laughed myself to tears. I damn near hit the floor, too. I would contribute to this wonderful thread, but then it wouldn't be funny any more.
 
Old 2005-02-02, 19:10
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* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers
and fucks the princess.

That's really good!
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Old 2005-02-02, 19:38
Zionist
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Here's a new one

*STONER METAL

The pratagonist arrives, knocks on the castle door
and the dragon answers, the dragon pulls out
a blunt for two, the pratagonist gets baked and
forgets about saving the princess.
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A little section of Requiem's "I finally got laid" posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Requiem
Wore her out before I could finish(which im grateful for)


Funeral Mulch; My brutal death metal band from West Michigan.
 
Old 2005-02-02, 20:30
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hhahahahha the doom metal one is hilarious too
 
Old 2005-02-02, 20:44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zionist
Here's a new one

*STONER METAL

The pratagonist arrives, knocks on the castle door
and the dragon answers, the dragon pulls out
a blunt for two, the pratagonist gets baked and
forgets about saving the princess.


*STONER METAL

The pratagonist arrives, knocks on the castle door
and the dragon answers, the dragon pulls out
a blunt for two, the stoner pratagonist has no lighter,
stoner pratagonist already being stonned asks the dragon.
Stonner pratagonist burnt.
Princess complains about pratagonist burnt-outs.
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Old 2005-02-02, 20:48
blizzard_beast
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Haha, this concept is pretty cool, for my English creative writing coursework, I'm probably gonna do "Black Metal Fairytales". Yeah, that'd be cool.
 
Old 2005-02-03, 03:49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyOwnSavior
* GORE METAL
...Then he fucks what is left of the carcass for the third time, burns her vagina lips together and fucks her in the ass for the last time.


I'd say he burns the pussy lips together, and thinks "Why not?", then fucks her a new hole where the pussy was. Then peels off the burnt placenta, and eats it. Then, sodomizes her with his face until his face bleeds, then enters his entire body, through the vagina, and pulls that little thing behind her throat that wiggles when she yells (i forget what its called), out of her asshole.


Anyone want to try NWOBHM or Math Metal?
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Old 2005-02-03, 04:02
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I got the whole melting the pussylips together indea from Exhumed's "Forged in Fire (Formed By Flame)". Its a song about melting a chick's pussylips together with a blowtorch. Its one of the few songs they have with a sort of chorus.


"Forged in fire Formed by Flame
Sex will never be the same
Forged in fire Formed by Flame
You will never fuck again!"
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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

“I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'.” - Early Cuyler
 
Old 2005-02-03, 04:40
andrewc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YOUR_GOD_IS_DEAD
I'd say he burns the pussy lips together, and thinks "Why not?", then fucks her a new hole where the pussy was. Then peels off the burnt placenta, and eats it. Then, sodomizes her with his face until his face bleeds, then enters his entire body, through the vagina, and pulls that little thing behind her throat that wiggles when she yells (i forget what its called), out of her asshole.


Anyone want to try NWOBHM or Math Metal?



*MATHCORE/MATH METAL

the protagonist rode up on his white horse, then the dragon saw him. the math metalhead drew his sword and ran towards the dragon, then stopped. then he took two steps towards the dragon, then stopped. then he sprinted towards the dragon at a blinding pace, then stopped. then the protagonist skipped towards the dragon at a medium pace, then stopped. then he sprinted towards the dragons side then stopped. then with 10 quick jumps, stabbing each time, the dragon's head blew up because it was so confused as to the whereabouts of the protagonist.

then he sprinted non stop up to the castle, then stopped outside the door. he took out his hammer, belted the door down, then stopped. a few more stopping later, he penetrated the princess, then stopped. then he thrusted very hard and fast, then stopped. then he humped some more, then stopped. then he continued to go hard and fast like the princess wanted, then stopping. then the princesses head blew up in frustration, then stopped. then the protagonist got up and said:

"ARRRRGH.........WHAT..ADAYWHYTHEFUCK........DOESEVERY......ONES'HEAD.....BLOW!! UP!! WHEN!! I'M!! A!! ROUND!!!"
 
Old 2005-02-03, 04:50
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That perfectly described the random stop tempo changes. I thought I was the only one to notice. Funny stuff Andrew.
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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

“I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'.” - Early Cuyler
 
Old 2005-02-03, 04:54
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Math Metal

Protagonist rides towards the dragon in his mom's station wagon, stops in front of him, and then plays Dillinger Escape Plan until the dragon gets annoyed and decides he's rather slowlt devour himself in a raging inferno than listen to once more second of tehis abhorrent music. Feeling strangely self confident, teh protagonist goes inside to save the princess. The princess sees his striped polo shirt, dockers, and taped glasses, and laughes until teh portagonist sadly gets into his mom's station wagon and joins the dragon.
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Old 2005-02-03, 05:00
andrewc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anubis
Math Metal

Protagonist rides towards the dragon in his mom's station wagon, stops in front of him, and then plays Dillinger Escape Plan until the dragon gets annoyed and decides he's rather slowlt devour himself in a raging inferno than listen to once more second of tehis abhorrent music. Feeling strangely self confident, teh protagonist goes inside to save the princess. The princess sees his striped polo shirt, dockers, and taped glasses, and laughes until teh portagonist sadly gets into his mom's station wagon and joins the dragon.


no t2 hilite m yown effit, bt thaat wuz teh frist bad 1 in teh therad. ter ribl speeling 2.
 
Old 2005-02-03, 05:01
andrewc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyOwnSavior


That perfectly described the random stop tempo changes. I thought I was the only one to notice. Funny stuff Andrew.


thanks muchly mate
 
Old 2005-02-03, 05:38
CarnalAltar
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Lay off the run down Honda Civics.
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Old 2005-02-03, 06:15
andrewc
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OHHHH MAWWW 4444 KKHHHGAAWWWWDD SICK-A-RE MAW KHONDA THIVIKHS DA K3WLZEST
 
Old 2005-02-03, 17:23
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Amon rA
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shred metal:

The first pratagonist studies ancient examples of dragon-saving from the baroque period, while the second spends years of his life trying to swing their sword as accurately as possible.
they both save the princess perfectly, with incredible technique, but feel inadequate because somebody else did it faster.
then someone acuses them of having no feeling or emotion, and one of them figures out how to save two princessess from two dragons at the same time.
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"The complexity of the penguins' lifestyle testifies to a Divine Creator," said one commentator on Christian Answers. "To think that natural selection or even the penguins themselves could come up with the idea to migrate miles and miles multiple times each year without their partner or their offspring is a bit insulting to my intellect. How great is our God!"
 
Old 2005-02-03, 19:23
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brainsforbreakfast
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amon rA
shred metal:

The first pratagonist studies ancient examples of dragon-saving from the baroque period, while the second spends years of his life trying to swing their sword as accurately as possible.
they both save the princess perfectly, with incredible technique, but feel inadequate because somebody else did it faster.
then someone acuses them of having no feeling or emotion, and one of them figures out how to save two princessess from two dragons at the same time.


The princess falls asleep while seeing the protagonists swinging their swords in the same way over and over again.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darko
Quote:
Originally Posted by Requiem
Why would you sig that?
Why not? Why would you sig me saying that I hate you? I was serious there, too.


I'm in despair! The internet has left me in despair!
 
Old 2005-02-03, 20:09
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amon rA
shred metal:

The first pratagonist studies ancient examples of dragon-saving from the baroque period, while the second spends years of his life trying to swing their sword as accurately as possible.
they both save the princess perfectly, with incredible technique, but feel inadequate because somebody else did it faster.
then someone acuses them of having no feeling or emotion, and one of them figures out how to save two princessess from two dragons at the same time.

the princess laughs herself to death at the shrivled mass that the protagonists call penii, which was the whole reason they learned to swing fast to begin with.
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Too grim to function

Last edited by MoonRaven : 2005-02-03 at 20:29.
 
Old 2005-02-03, 21:38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by andrewc
no t2 hilite m yown effit, bt thaat wuz teh frist bad 1 in teh therad. ter ribl speeling 2.


Meh. Everyone has an off day.
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Stand your ground behind the times
And refuse to follow fashion
Write your poetry in anger
And then sing it with a passion
Painted faces in a circus
Images they brings to mind
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Filled with pictures of your kind
 
Old 2005-02-03, 21:40
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* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives and defeats the dragon somehow. The princess then kills him, by default.

ahahahaha....
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
 
Old 2005-02-03, 21:46
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*Nu-metal*

The protagonist enters the castle and walks towards the dragon. To the serpent he proclaims: "I hate j00!! I'm going to kill you!!! Yeah, because i'm hardcore and evil!!! Yeah, fuck you!!! "
The dragon reacts by setting his slipknot shirt on fire, after wich the protagonist flees the castle screaming. Halfway his baggy trousers fall off his ass. The princess makes fun off him and proceeds to fuck heavy-metal protagonist instead.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darko
Quote:
Originally Posted by Requiem
Why would you sig that?
Why not? Why would you sig me saying that I hate you? I was serious there, too.


I'm in despair! The internet has left me in despair!
 
Old 2005-02-04, 02:24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brainsforbreakfast
The dragon reacts by setting his slipknot shirt on fire,


Can't forget the jokingly long dreads and dj turntable, oh yeah, and a skateboard thats all scratched up from all the SICK GRINDING on LEDGES!!!!! \m/ X-TREME \M/ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Sex is free if you don't mind spending most of your night in the bushes with both a balaclava and an overblown sense of entitlement.
 
Old 2005-02-04, 02:47
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*PORN METAL

the protagonist see the princess naked, got erected, then the princess sucks his dick and he snap his dick in the princess face...
 
Old 2005-02-04, 02:49
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What about christian metal?
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Old 2005-02-04, 02:52
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*GRINDCORE*
The antagonist rips the fucking bitch slut to shreds, rubs the innards on his cock, gets a fiery blowjob from the dragon, hacks off its head, before giving it a vigorous anal rodgering. Teabags the dragon's severed head, then goes back to his abbatoir to write a song about the whole experience. Decides this isn't going to make any money, so he joins the Black Dahlia Murder.
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OMG ONE MORE THING MY HERO CAN U HELP FIRST RIFF CLOUDED? THANK YOU
 
Old 2005-02-04, 03:01
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I rant on this one, but what the hell.

>>>>Christian Metal

The protagonist arrives at the castle with bible in one hand, and religious leaflets in the other. He sees the dragon and lets out a loud curse of "Oh Gosh Darnit" He then sees the dragon shoot flames at him, and tells him it is better to love than to shoot fire at hims and they should grab and acoustic and sing about the lor-diddly-ord. The dragon continues to attack him, so the religious pansy proceeds to give him warnings. The dragon burned his bible, so he prayed and a lightning bolt struck and killed the dragon. As soon as the princess puts out, he decides that it is wrong to have sex with her without her hand in marriage. She's horny and wanting it but he refuses to fuck her and calls her a heathen instead. So the princess rides of with the thrash metal dude and they ride of playing Exodus' cover of the ACDC song Overdose. The Black Metal son-of-a-bitch arrives too late and the princess is gone. The black metal fucker proceeds to run into the snow-cursed forest and kneels, with arms out, curses god and jesus for not giving him enough money to produce a decent album. The Christian fucker decides to go home and block all the channels on his Cable Service except for TBN, Lifetime, and PBS.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Sex is free if you don't mind spending most of your night in the bushes with both a balaclava and an overblown sense of entitlement.

Last edited by YOUR_GOD_IS_DEAD : 2005-02-04 at 03:05.
 
Old 2005-02-04, 03:02
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YOUR_GOD_IS_DEAD
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloaca
*GRINDCORE*
....Decides this isn't going to make any money, so he joins the Black Dahlia Murder.


HAHAH!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Sex is free if you don't mind spending most of your night in the bushes with both a balaclava and an overblown sense of entitlement.
 
Old 2005-02-04, 03:20
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EMO-CORE

no one kills anyone...there is no protagonist. the dragon commits suicide.
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Old 2005-02-04, 05:33
andrewc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corroded
EMO-CORE

no one kills anyone...there is no protagonist. the dragon commits suicide.


LOL. so true

the dragon commits suicide and then the princess breaks up with the protagonist. the protagonist's father won't talk to him because he's busy with a huge court case, so the protagonist skips school to hang out at the piercing parlour with his best friend, to get an identical lip piercing to his mate.
 
Old 2005-02-04, 05:35
CarnalAltar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brainsforbreakfast
*Nu-metal*

... setting his slipknot shirt on fire.... Halfway his baggy trousers fall off his ass.


Pfffff... Bahahahaha!!!!
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Old 2005-02-04, 16:52
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Quote:
Originally Posted by obrien20
*PORN METAL



STOP IT with the sub-genres!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
"Ja mein little poodle, I will hang you by your nipples in my garage,
 
Old 2005-02-04, 17:42
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WHAT??

whats wrong with you?
 
Old 2005-02-04, 18:06
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Noisecore:
The protagonist comes in screaming inaudible stuff about snucking retards into spermbanks, takes his guitar, smashes it to the ground, the feedback from his fender combo pierces the dragons eardrums and his head explodes. When the protagonist is ready to fuck the princess he falls in a coma and the princess cuts of the dragons monsterous phallus to smash the feedbacking amp to pieces and to give herself some quality time.
 
Old 2005-02-04, 22:30
andrewc
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LOL


sorry for the english lesson but, "snucking a retard" should be "sneaking a retard."

hahaha doc just as i read your post, pepe the gay waiter came on.
 
Old 2005-02-12, 01:28
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*MATH METAL*
The protagonist whips out a calculator and proceeds to confuse the dragon with strings of unrelated numbers until the dragon decides to gouge his eyes out instead of listening to the protagonist's random pretentious babble. The princess doesn't understand what the protagonist wants, shrugs her shoulders and goes off to fuck the power metal dude.

*DOOM METAL*
Half way through rescuing the princess the protagonist realises how bleak and hopeless the world is and sits down to contemplate his misery. The dragon gets old and dies and the protagonist staggers into the castle to make love to the 92 year old princess but commits suicide when he realises that he has no viagra.

*EMO*
The princess drives the dragon nuts with her whinning and he trows her out of the castle, then she finds the protagonist crying in a corner but they don't get it on because they're straightedge.

*PROG METAL*
The protagonist doesn't need to rescue a princess because in his years of playing long guitar solos he became an ace masturbator.
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Old 2005-02-12, 01:36
andrewc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenCrimson
*MATH METAL*
The protagonist whips out a calculator and proceeds to confuse the dragon with strings of unrelated numbers until the dragon decides to gouge his eyes out instead of listening to the protagonist's random pretentious babble. The princess doesn't understand what the protagonist wants, shrugs her shoulders and goes off to fuck the power metal dude.


what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenCrimson
*DOOM METAL*
Half way through rescuing the princess the protagonist realises how bleak and hopeless the world is and sits down to contemplate his misery. The dragon gets old and dies and the protagonist staggers into the castle to make love to the 92 year old princess but commits suicide when he realises that he has no viagra.


HEHEHEHEHEHE

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenCrimson
*EMO*
The princess drives the dragon nuts with her whinning and he trows her out of the castle, then she finds the protagonist crying in a corner but they don't get it on because they're straightedge.


hehehe

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenCrimson
*PROG METAL*
The protagonist doesn't need to rescue a princess because in his years of playing long guitar solos he became an ace masturbator.


 
Old 2005-02-12, 04:06
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The Execrator
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenCrimson
*MATH METAL*
The protagonist whips out a calculator and proceeds to confuse the dragon with strings of unrelated numbers until the dragon decides to gouge his eyes out instead of listening to the protagonist's random pretentious babble. The princess doesn't understand what the protagonist wants, shrugs her shoulders and goes off to fuck the power metal dude.

That happens to me all the time
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9/23

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paddy
Please excuse me for I currently have a terminal erection, and the only cure is midget-cunny.
 
Old 2005-02-13, 11:28
andrewc
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poor lamb of excrement [HUG=lamb_of_execrator2\m/] [/HUG]
 
Old 2005-03-07, 01:23
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POWER METAL:

the protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest

TRASH METAL:

the protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and f**ks her.........easy

HEAVY METAL:

the protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f**ks the princess

FOLK METAL:

the protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordeons, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing)...then all leave....without the princess

VIKING METAL:

the protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his migthy axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving

DEATH METAL:

the protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f**ks the princess and kills her, then leaves

BLACK METAL:

the protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle.....then sodomises the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her.....then he impales the princess next to the dragon

GORE METAL:

the protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f**ks the princess and kills her....then he f**ks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts.....then he f**ks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f**ks it for the last time

DOOM METAL:

the protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide....the dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert...that's the end of the sad story

PROGRESIVE METAL:

the protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes....the dragon kills himself out of boredom.....the protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the technics and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory...the princess escapes looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist

GLAM METAL:

the protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearence and let him enter.....he steals the princess make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene
gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by
security guards.


NU-Metal
Protagonist arrives in pimpin' SUV and baggy pants. Dragon sees protagonist's nose ring and snickers. Protagonist whines about bad childhood where his beloved pet canary died and ever since he has been Broken, Numb, Dead Inside, Thoughtless and not Alive.
Dragon gets highly annoyed, and eats the protagonist. Princess thanks Dragon.


*I did not write this myself, it was posted by another guy on another forum.
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Old 2005-03-07, 01:37
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LMFAOOOO!!!!!!
 
Old 2005-03-08, 05:56
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I got bored and thought up a new one.

Emo:
The protagonist decides to take a walk to think of all the things that has gone wrong in his love life and discovers a attractive princess being held captive by a dragon. Thinking this is a perfect moment to try again at dating so he deicides to save her. Upon confronting the dragon, he hears the princess's cries for help and is reminded of his ex-girlfriend and the way she would scream at him for being a pussy, and at that moment begins to cry from being lonely. The dragon takes pitty on the sap and deicides to do him a favor and leaves. The princess rushes up to the protagonist and notices him crying like a little schoolgirl. She leaves as well, claiming he isn't man enough which drives the protagonist to go home and write sappy songs and is currently touring with Atreyu.
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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

“I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'.” - Early Cuyler
 
Old 2005-03-08, 15:42
blizzard_beast
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Haha, my friend translated this into Russian and gave it to me.
"hey alex, look what I came up with, pretty cool huh?
"No you cunt, you stole it off metaltabs.com"
" yeah...."

 
Old 2005-03-08, 16:23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyOwnSavior
I got bored and thought up a new one.

Emo:
The protagonist decides to take a walk to think of all the things that has gone wrong in his love life and discovers a attractive princess being held captive by a dragon. Thinking this is a perfect moment to try again at dating so he deicides to save her. Upon confronting the dragon, he hears the princess's cries for help and is reminded of his ex-girlfriend and the way she would scream at him for being a pussy, and at that moment begins to cry from being lonely. The dragon takes pitty on the sap and deicides to do him a favor and leaves. The princess rushes up to the protagonist and notices him crying like a little schoolgirl. She leaves as well, claiming he isn't man enough which drives the protagonist to go home and write sappy songs and is currently touring with Atreyu.



Not metal, but still funny.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
"Ja mein little poodle, I will hang you by your nipples in my garage,
 
Old 2005-03-09, 02:19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blizzard_beast
Haha, my friend translated this into Russian and gave it to me.
"hey alex, look what I came up with, pretty cool huh?
"No you cunt, you stole it off metaltabs.com"
" yeah...."

What was it that he translated?
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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

“I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'.” - Early Cuyler
 
Old 2005-03-09, 05:55
blizzard_beast
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The desriptions at the start of this thread. Can I say, duh!?
 
Old 2005-03-09, 05:58
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Yes you may.
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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

“I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'.” - Early Cuyler
 
Old 2005-03-09, 06:02
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MyOwnSavior, are you ever on AIM?
 
Old 2005-03-09, 06:12
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Not ever since I got a new computer. I'll download it again pretty soon if ya want.
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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

“I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'.” - Early Cuyler
 
Old 2005-03-09, 06:19
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Yeah, I have you added but you're never on. :'(
 
Old 2005-03-09, 06:21
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Sam Hudson
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I'm goin for thrash metal
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Killer,intruder,homicidal man
 
Old 2005-03-09, 06:33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam Hudson
I'm goin for thrash metal
Then just go for it dumbass.


I'll download it tomorrow, it's getting pretty late and I got to work.
__________________
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

“I'm as firm as red clay and as constant as... drinkin'. I'm constantly drinkin'.” - Early Cuyler
 
Old 2005-03-09, 06:37
andrewc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyOwnSavior
I got bored and thought up a new one.

Emo:
The protagonist decides to take a walk to think of all the things that has gone wrong in his love life and discovers a attractive princess being held captive by a dragon. Thinking this is a perfect moment to try again at dating so he deicides to save her. Upon confronting the dragon, he hears the princess's cries for help and is reminded of his ex-girlfriend and the way she would scream at him for being a pussy, and at that moment begins to cry from being lonely. The dragon takes pitty on the sap and deicides to do him a favor and leaves. The princess rushes up to the protagonist and notices him crying like a little schoolgirl. She leaves as well, claiming he isn't man enough which drives the protagonist to go home and write sappy songs and is currently touring with Atreyu.


 
Old 2005-03-09, 06:38
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haha i liked PST 88's version of thrash metal


* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives with a bottle of Jack Daniels, fights and slays the dragon, takes a scale off the dragon, sews it into his jean jacket, shows the new patch off to the princess, kills the bottle, and then passes out on top of her with his leather pants around his knees.
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Old 2005-03-09, 07:00
andrewc
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that sounds more punk actually, but still good nonetheless.
 
Old 2005-03-09, 07:54
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Forum Daemon
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Posts: 4,982
Punks don't wear leather pants, and tend to DIY the shit out of their jean jackets until they're frayed vests with unnecessary safety pins and a few political hardcore band logos. The thrashhead, on the other hand, tends to assemble the name of every band he likes on the back of his largely intact jean jacket, taking the time-honored practice of 70's hippies to its logical extreme, namely the monopatch, which reads as follows:

'Megexostalliyerkangraxatorkisseeaturaddennihadustystilebbat'

Anyone who can untangle that's probably seen a few thrashers in his day.
 
Old 2005-03-09, 07:59
NZ black metal drumm
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Industrial metal:

The protagonist Arrives wearing a hard hat and some other crap, looks at dragon and tries to figure out what a dragon is doing at the steel works, Decides the dragon is a safety hazard and procedes call in OSH and have the dragon fined for various offences, including inadequite safety clothing.

the Protagonist then finds princess amd proceeds to fuck her like a jackhammer, Princess complaing that his love making was so 'unfeeling and mechanical'.
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omg t3h @x1s p3d@ls @r3 t3h b3st!!!!!!1!!11
 
Old 2005-03-09, 08:45
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BeastOfCarrion
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Location: Some grim and utterly pointless evil location(Aus)
Posts: 3,740
Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
'Megexostalliyerkangraxatorkisseeaturaddennihadustystilebbat'

thedoctor!!!
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Somebody has decapitated an innocent rabbit, can Abbath solve this crime before more innocent bunnies are hurt?
 
Old 2005-03-09, 08:51
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SmotPoker
Senior Metalhead
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 454
Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
'Megexostalliyerkangraxatorkisseeaturaddennihadustystilebbat'

Anyone who can untangle that's probably seen a few thrashers in his day.

megaeth exodus metallica slayer anthrax kreator sepultura(i think?) hehe i dont even know if im reading that right. ubt thats the order in which i deciphered them, coouldnt get em all though.
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Old 2005-04-12, 18:38
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IRON90
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Somewhere over the fucking rainbow (Sweden)
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I like the heavy and power metal best.......to bed there ain't no dragons around......i wanna make a good impression on my love.....
 
Old 2005-04-13, 04:00
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corroded
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
'Megexostalliyerkangraxatorkisseeaturaddennihadustystilebbat'

megadeth, exodus, metallica, slayer, angra, anthrax, kreator, kiss(?), sepulttura, annihilator, sabbath...dunno the rest
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I, Himself - An asshole's gotta do what an asshole's gotta do!!!
 
Old 2005-04-13, 04:13
blizzard_beast
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 4,723
Quote:
Originally Posted by PST 88
Punks don't wear leather pants, and tend to DIY the shit out of their jean jackets until they're frayed vests with unnecessary safety pins and a few political hardcore band logos. The thrashhead, on the other hand, tends to assemble the name of every band he likes on the back of his largely intact jean jacket, taking the time-honored practice of 70's hippies to its logical extreme, namely the monopatch, which reads as follows:

'Megexostalliyerkangraxatorkisseeaturaddennihadustystilebbat'

Anyone who can untangle that's probably seen a few thrashers in his day.


Haha, I used to have about 20 patches on my army jacket, I just ripped 'em off and stuck a huge Sodom patch on the back. And since it's warming up, I cut off the sleeves.
 
Old 2005-04-13, 21:39
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lamb_of_god
Supreme Metalhead
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Glen Burnie, Maryland
Posts: 958
The gore metal, black metal, and metalcore ones are awesome.
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R.I.P. SAINT DIME

Quote:
Originally Posted by Infinity
Everything is funny you just gotta look at it the right way.


Quote:
You know I believe in a ruling class, particuarly since I rule.

-Randal, Clerks


scientology

MySpace

scientology
 
Old 2005-04-15, 21:40
Zionist
My Ass, Your Face
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,557
Someone think of one for industrial metal.
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A little section of Requiem's "I finally got laid" posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Requiem
Wore her out before I could finish(which im grateful for)


Funeral Mulch; My brutal death metal band from West Michigan.
 
Old 2005-04-15, 21:51
blizzard_beast
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haha look abvre ! o!
 
Old 2006-05-17, 17:29
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Rapture
The Stings of Conscience
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Lutz, FL
Posts: 2,245
very funny, especially the metalcore one.
 
Old 2006-05-17, 19:33
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davie_gravy
Metal As Fuck!
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: LR AR
Posts: 2,680
OMG! That shit is great! I love the grind and viking one! Nice job dude.
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R.I.P. Dimebag
My Music

BuildTheMusic.com is your #1 FREE online guitar resource center.
 
Old 2006-05-17, 19:36
Zionist
My Ass, Your Face
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,557
Hey, this is my thread! Probably the thread that gave me a little recognition.
__________________
A little section of Requiem's "I finally got laid" posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Requiem
Wore her out before I could finish(which im grateful for)


Funeral Mulch; My brutal death metal band from West Michigan.
 
Old 2006-05-17, 21:02
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JOAMdude
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Goth-


The Goth is walking down his surburban neighborhood complaining about capitalism and eternal sadness when he hears the scream of the princess.
He gets excited but when he gets there he sees the dragon on her. The dragon laughs at him and he runs away. He reamins at his house for 5 years until he workds up enough money for a six shooter. He runs to the castle. He shoots the dragon and princess and leaves a suicide note before he
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BOB_ZE_METALLEU
are you telling us that you have 4 boobs...2 small and 2 bigs
 
Old 2006-05-17, 21:05
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JOAMdude
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Death- Chuck Schuldiner and Karl Sanders get in there with c4 strapped to them and swords. They own supreme ownage of the highest form (as they do everydo). When they get to the princess Chuck kills Karl and Owwns.


I don't know if you know, but i'm listening to the album symbolic right now

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BOB_ZE_METALLEU
are you telling us that you have 4 boobs...2 small and 2 bigs
 
Old 2006-05-17, 22:20
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powersofterror
I am a tax on the world..
Forum Leader
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: pizza with a shit on it!
Posts: 7,994
Those are some really crappy contributions to an old thread....
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.


This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
 
Old 2006-05-17, 22:36
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BassBehemoth
Die Young.
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Hellifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Posts: 8,633
Quote:
Originally Posted by powersofterror
Those are some really crappy contributions to an old thread....



haha, well said..I was thinking that when I saw Rapture's post...then again, 95% of all posts are bad contributions..such as this post.
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Bitches, Hoes And Corn Rows.

Quote:
Originally Posted by moe_blunts
you done told me lots of thangs bout beer n shit and canada. have a grand ol cunt of a good time.


RIP moe.
 
Old 2006-05-18, 00:34
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brainsforbreakfast
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Yggdrassyl
Posts: 4,321
by definition all contributions on this forum are crappy. some are more than other though
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darko
Quote:
Originally Posted by Requiem
Why would you sig that?
Why not? Why would you sig me saying that I hate you? I was serious there, too.


I'm in despair! The internet has left me in despair!

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