Any other David Cross fans here? If you dont know who he is dont ask me do your own damn research. If you do know, can anyone tell my why the Ronnie Dobbs flick is takin so fuckin long?

Let's all eat pork ribs in front of jewish people!!


sorry, still thinkin about David Cross stand up..

It's gonna knock the shit outta your ass and into the toilet..its gonna flush itself!

www.colonblow.com

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I know David Cross, and I vaguely remember hearing something about the Ronnie Dobbs movie, but that easily coulda been from you. So, essentially, I know dick.

Give my body to necropheliacs. Get some use out of it. Fuck me in the mouth, fuck me in the ass. You know what? Open a new hole and fuck me there. I dont give a shit.

Good quote Rich. I did some research on Run Ronnie Run and its being delayed due to the fact that New Line doesnt know how the fuck to market the damn thing. The movie's been done for about 2 years though!! Fuckin fuck.


"I dont remember ordering the christian sandwich."--David Cross

Throughout my life, I would walk along the beach, and when I looked down in the sand, I'd see there were two sets of footprints, side by side. But, during my most trying times, I'd only see one. Hey Jesus, what up wit dat?

And then Jesus said "Well, you see my son, that was when I was helping out one of my other 6 BILLION CHILDREN!! You selfish fuck! You stubbed your toe, for Christ's sake, I think you could handle it. Fuck!"

Oh woah, alright. The worlds Filthiest ball-draining cum mag! Right on, this oughta make the flight a little more tolerable.

He died for your sins!! He had nails in his fuckin hands for you. For You!!

I heard about this lady down in Mexico who would take people out in the desert to see the Virgin Mary. So I thought, well, this could be cool, maybe I should check it out. So I get down there, and she takes us out and brings us around out there, but this time the Virgin Mary didnt show up. So the lady leaves, and everyone else does, and I was about to too, but I thought I should hang around a bit first. And then, on the way to my car... I saw the Virgin Mary... and... she raped me!

I went to the police, but they were being dicks. "Well, what do you expect, dressed like that? You were asking for it."

hmmmmmmmmm, midly amusing! seriously though it takes a lot nowadays to get a laugh out of me, although christains in general tend to manage that for me...lol now i'm not anti-christain or anything, dont get me wrong here, but some of the stuff that they do is hilarous!

*big hugs to you pst* how are ya stranger?

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Hey bunny! where the hell have you been girl??

Bunny- dont erase this post.


Ok, now that I"ve got that outta the way. I guess you either dont remember me or didn't notice I was here?? Well anyway talk back at me sometime.

*bunny gives "the old possé" a big rugby tacke huggle and kisses*

sorry slaymie forgive me?? yeah course you do! :P

what have i been up to? erm got several lifetimes?? lol

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Ok anyways, back to what this thread is about..




Who really killed MLK. High Times, cracked the conspiracy. They did it, they did it man. New York Times ain't got shit on High Times!

I dont know why they'd be buying porn. I dont know about you, but I use porn to... masturbate to. And I dont need to whip it out and start beating off in an airplane. That's right, cause I have a little thing called "self control." I can hold it in. At least till the cab ride home.

Um...daddy? How come we never get to watch television or play video games but you always get to watch television and play video games? You get to have the lights on in the house and we never do and um how come you do?

Well, sweetheart thats because daddy's not amish. See, you are honey, thats what you believe in. Now come on , be a good boy and get upstairs to bed you gotta get up early and harvest my breakfast.

Tell UFO stories. (Note: Make one up if you have to)

So I was walking down the aisle and I saw this stand saying "Fuck my Dirty Shithole ... : the movie!". And I was thinking to myself "No fucking way! How could they make that book into a movie? I mean, I read that back in high school, and there's no way they could do the rim job scene right!"

How can I be paranoid if the paranoid motherfuckers who are makin me paranoid are really out there. I saw that on one of those sticker things you put on the back of a bumper. The best one I saw one time was one that just said, "who farted" So I'd drive up next to 'em and be like HEY MAN I FARTED!!

And on that day the book of Daniel says God is telling us all signs pointing to that day. Jesus Christ will descend from heaven on a diamond studded chariot with chocolates and teddy bears for all the good christians. And the jew and the muslim it'll be hell on earth with a lake of fire and bile and piss, 'cause I'm gonna piss on 'em!! Hehe, take that jew!

I'm sorry people, about the whole apocalypse thing. You see, what it was is this: I keep our family Bible in the den, and the boy, you know how much children like to go through the Bible!, well the boy was looking through the Bible one day, and he must have gotten a smidge of peanut butter or something on it. So, I'm sorry, the world will be ending in the year 3000, and we will still be collecting your donations.

ALOVEROCCE, YOU FUCKIN MORON!

Hi, my name's Jeanette Dunwoody I'm calling from Valdosta, Georgia. I heard about your situation your tryin to kill yourself and I just wanted to say, um you can't.


What?


No 'cause its not right, all life is precious


Well, no my life's not precious I've been reduced to a shit and piss factory.n Its all I do I hurt always I can't do anything I"m gonna die within a year, I just wanted to go with dignity


Oh well, um no. Because of the bible


I dont believe in the bible


Well I do silly!!

But clearly the answer is...force prayer in school.

First of all, the airport, that's really where, you know, you wanna hang your art, as an artist. That's like the highest echelon. That's where your work really gets the attention it deserves, where people really appreciate the emotion and the angst. Where people stop off and go... I cant imagine a better place to hang your artwork, except, maybe, the inside of a bum's asshole. It might hang there a little bit longer, you know, than at the airport.

I like my eggs the old-fashioned way.

FUCK YOU GRANNY!

Henderson Valley Eggs: You're gonna love our eggs!

Let's see I can fight this, I can stay here where everybody hates me and I'm misunderstood. There's no health care or dental care, everybody walks around with open sores, I can't eat one meal without gettin sand in it. Um...I can hang out with here a little longer or I can be martyred...go up to heaven where all my pets are apparently and sit at my father's side in judgement of all mankind for the rest of eternity. Hmmm I wonder what I..Ok guys..whaddya mean you only got three nails? Lets go!!!

Jesus pond! Pond Jesus!

And, uh, Jesus, I dont know if you can do this, but, uh, I got some sage?

God, I wish I didnt give up my kidneys. I gotta piss like a fuckin racehorse!

And all my goes money to Miss Cinderella, so she can live in luxury like the princess she is.

Also, fuck the homeless.

Ok kids, ok two seats have opened up. 2 people were good enough to give up their miles. Who's the boy who's dying next week? Let's get him up here, wheel him up here. Ok yeah, yes next week. Well, they should've told you! And we have one more seat available, how 'bout you funny walk lets get funny walk up here. Ok, ok kids I'm sorry thats all we have room for. No I know there are other empty seats but you'd have to pay for them. I know i"m sorry but you'd have to pay for them, well thats airline policy. I know, i know, well would you care for some porn? Brian can we get them the World's Filthiest Ball Draining Cum Mag?

And, I'm sorry, what were the video games Hitler used to play? And what were the video games he, uh, gave out to the entire German Republic?

"Pray together." That's fun, you know, pray together! You take her to church, you know, and really impress her. Pray really good, pray the shit out of that fuckin prayer! Make her think "Woah, this guy pray's good. He's a good prayer!"

You know its like, the kids in Kentucky that took out two guys? Those guys in Arkansas that shot three people. The guys in Clayton, Georgia that shot six people, didnt kill any of them. They're fuckin blips in the news. Nobody's talkin about that. Clearly the lesson here is..have your shit together. Get your maps get your bomb things.

What the fuck? Wine? Who did this? Was it... was it you, Jesus? Fuck dude, it's 103 degrees, I've got kids here! We dont all want to get our buzz on!

Um..It says, I will praise god's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving Psalm 69:30. Yeah, I found it in a sandwich. Here its for you, take it. Take it, uh spread the love.

And Don Teedlecopf, who brings me my special teas and ointments! Don Teedlecopf, you are God's own personal warrior! And thanks to God, for allowing me to be the vessle through which he speaks! And thanks to my students, who are so ignorant and dumb, they allow me to look superior next to them, and put up with my inane bullshit! I am the greatest! I am JAMES LIPTON!!!!

All right! Some comedy! Enough of this 'I dont like Jesus' stuff.

The one thing I dont like about pot is the sub-culture it spawned. I think its embarassing and really juvenile and uncreative. The epitamy of it is High Times Magazine. That is the most juvenile immature publication, its like a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. Its like, I mean they're both great to read when you're baked but come on ya know? High Times..they have centerfolds of buds. I mean, I know people who take these centerfolds out and stick 'em up on their wall, I know these guys I grew up with 'em.

People are sittin there goin, "Ah man, check out April's bud of the month man. That shit is awesome man! It's so sweet and sexy and fuck man, look at the fuckin red hairs on that fuckin thing its awesome bud!!!!!!!!".

Here's another good one page 12, #100 Join a Protest March. Also good I like that, It lets you know where you stand, pick your date up go to an abortion clinic. "What side do you want, lets see who wins. You're goin over there? Alright I'm over--YOU FILTHY WHORE!!"

"Oh my god, I've got such a cool idea! Here, close your eyes! This is kinda crazy!"
"Oh, ok."
"Here ya go! You can open em!"
"Oh... it's a kazoo... I dont get it, do you want me to stick it in your.... what do you wanna do with it?"
"Well, this is a little bit crazy, but: look, it's MTV! Let's join in! Doo-de-doo-doo-doo!"

And after that, you know you can just fuck with em. Cause I mean, you're not getting laid! Noone who would give you a kazoo is gonna fuck ya!

Seriously, I know I make fun of religion and all, but I'm gonna be gettin married in a couple years, and I really dont know what religion my wife will be. And I want to, you know, respect her... supersticions.

Eat and describe pork to kosher people.

SLOW SMOKED BABY BACK RIBS:

"Oh shit!! Oh man, this is so good. Falling off the bone!! What a bummer you ended up with a god that wont let you have this, sucks for you man. My god doesnt give a shit. Whats in it for him anyway? You don't know, I dont know...ha nobody knows!!

I dont remember ordering the Christian sandwich. No, I'm sure of it. Cause, if they'd asked, I would've ordered the Buddhist pasta. I'm a little offended.

umm.....the only post i understand or liked in this thread was far_beyond_sane's "colon blow" post.

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It's all David Cross standup. On it's own it might seem strange, but in a live, or, I guess, recorded, session, it has been known to provoke cases of hysteria. Unless you dont like stuff like, you know, comedy. Or if profanity offends you. Or offensive things, if they offend you, dont try it.

Alright, disclaimer's aside, I have a thread's theme to keep up, so:

Dave's Classy Pizza. Yeah, for $50 extra, you get you pizza delivered to you in a limousine. Real classy. "Your pizza, sir."

Here's the thing, if you just program Touched by an Angel and Providence and Family Practice and that bullshit. I'll fuckin kill somebody!

Ok and Action!

"I'm so ashamed."

And cut!

"Ok good I'll be in my trailer."

Ok, if you're that concerned, you can play with it and, if it plays back, then keep it. It's yours! But, if it doesnt, then maybe we should just take it to help out this person who's still alive and in a lot of pain... no? Oh, just put it back then? Ok.

After an airplane goes down, everyone's all worried, running around saying "Where's the bodies? Where's the bodies?" Man, if that happens to me, dont look for me. It doesnt matter. Hell, if you're that worried, just smoke a pack of cigarettes, put the ash in an urn, and call it me. There, everybody's happy.

Alright here's another one. With a telescope, some munchies and a warm blanket, watch for Haley's Comet. Yeah, I like that 'cause there's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.










Jackson-
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Beautiful dude, just beautiful.

Hollywood actors always attribute this voice, to Jesus, were he's walking amongst the people in the marketplace, talking "LIKE THIS, MY SON". Y'know, like he's about to snap. But, that was 2000 years ago, noone had tape recorders then! For all you know, he coulda sounded like an effemenite Southern guy. Dont know. "Y'all.... I just got back from Lazarus's tomb and pee-yewwww did he stink or what? I'm serious y'all! I'm so serious! I just pushed back that rock and it was like poo right in my face. And I do not need that! Oh! I'm so serious y'all! And I'm so nervous, cause tomorrow's my sermon on the mound, and I dont know what to wear, or say, or do. Oh, hey Mark! Hey Luke! How was the marketplace? Dont tell me, I'll be there tomorrow! Oh, Lord! Oh that's me, haha!"

Finally an egg for my generation! You know and they have these bending guitar notes and then intercut it with a quiet granny in a rocking chair saying, "I like eggs the old fashioned way"

"FUCK YOU GRANNY!!"

When the doctor comes in and tells you that you have recovered from cancer, that is good pussy. When the ball goes through the hoop when you hit the last-minute, game-winning shot, that is good pussy.

When did it become wrong to want to cuddle? When did cuddling go out of style? I'm serious! I mean, the other night, I was making love... to a prostitute. And I get done, and then, she just gets up, like nothing. Just goes right out the door. Right out the car door. I mean, I didnt even get her name, nothing! It's so cold and impersonal. I mean, call me sentimental, but I believe, that when you cum in a woman's hair, there's a bond formed. Ah, I guess I'm the only romantic.

My friends, who dont drink as much as me, all think I have a drinking problem. But, let's get the facts straight, I just happen to, uh, have a very high tolerance. Anyway, they always try to get me to go into these 12 step programs, and it's, uh, very difficult.

"Do you have a drinking problem?"
"No."
"Oh! Denial! First sign!"

I mean, how can you win? But, I think, those help programs are for the weak and stupid, and I dont need that crutch in my life.

I'm gonna do somethin a little bit different this evening, ok? Im gonna entertain y'all ok and I'm gonna be clean about it I aint gonna come up here and use dirty mouth.

But, what a hassle for Jesus though I mean, thats why he had so many followers. They were all severe alcoholics.

I can't believe I'm standing on the same stage that fuckin Boz Scaggs was on man. Wow, feel it. Everybody feel it.

Ok, hey how are ya? Ok um. Now refresh my momeory. Um...what were we doing here again? No shit, ha. Yeah? Alright lets fuck it up. Oh I'm sorry anesthesia.

"Well I believe Jesus existed, but I don't believe he was the son of god."

"The bible says, he's the son of god..so you're wrong."

Well, you can't do that its like citing your invisible friend.

You know? Fuck it. How come bands get to go up and they get to play the same fucking song for 40 years, but i can't get up and tell the same joke 3 times or I'm an asshole.

STOP LAUGHING! I'm trying to tell jokes! I just.. I just wanted to be funny!

yeah buddy.

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"So I was in New York for September 11th or as I like to refer to it, The Week Football Stopped. You know, you know that there was somebody they couldn't complain outloud but you know somebody was in their fuckin truck five days later going, 'God dammit, come on now! I mean what the hell, ok I understand people lost their lives and boo hoo I get it and we gotta heal and all that bullcrap but come on now! Just pick up a god damn football and play. I'm 3000 god damn miles away can't you play a god damn football game? I got nothing left in my life! I got all these snacks."

Squagels!!! Square bagels!!!!

Man has not yet conquered the egg!

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Hes so fucking funny in Eight Heads in a Dufflebag.

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Thank you, thank you. I want to thank you all in advance for all the free pot you're going to give me, and the demo tapes of all your bands that just started three weeks ago and arent very good yet!

lol never herd of this man u speak of, but he dont sound too bad

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Sounds hilarious

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