Originally Posted by John Cleese?

Letter to America
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Originally Posted by SARS

Anybody see him when he was on some american chat show?

He was asked, "What's the difference between English people and American people?"

His reply:-

"Well first; We speak English. Secondly, we have a world championship in a sport, we actually invite other nations to compete. And third, when we address our head of state we only need to get down on one knee"

genius

Originally Posted by TranMan

john cleese is a dumbass, why would we want to learn other cultures or care bout how people from a distant country act. .

Originally Posted by sars

you Sir are an idiot

Originally Posted by trany

did you see the olympics hahha pure rape

Originally Posted by guitar_demon

good one rabbi
the only reason i know how to say Edinburgh is cause they say it right in braveheart

Originally Posted by TranMan

why would we want to learn other cultures or care bout how people from a distant country act. here in america we have it all, we dont need to go out side for anything.

Originally Posted by TranMan

john cleese is a dumbass, why would we want to learn other cultures or care bout how people from a distant country act. here in america we have it all, we dont need to go out side for anything. and you should be thankfull americans dont take rugby seriously beacuse we would dominate it like every other sport. did you see the olympics hahha pure rape.

Originally Posted by TranMan

and you should be thankfull americans dont take rugby seriously beacuse we would dominate it like every other sport

Originally Posted by PST 88

I'll leave you with breaking news from Liverpool:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/...ide/4207391.stm

Originally Posted by PST 88

This shit gets boring. I could go on a rant about how Cleese is operating here a few dozen IQ points below what I expect from him

Originally Posted by powersofterror

Anyone ever see the reality show "Street Smarts" before? I remember watching it once, and never again. Basically, it's these guys going around cities and asking normal people really stupid questions like, "Pronounce this word." ....and the word is "abyss." Jesus, and the guy got it wrong. I was wondering if anyone else also feels that it's about 0.000001% legit.....

Originally Posted by rabbifoodslicer

http://www.allthingsflash.com/

you want the end of the world...go here and go to end of world ( it should be in red) this ones for u crainky australians

Originally Posted by rabbifoodslicer

http://www.allthingsflash.com/

you want the end of the world...go here and go to end of world ( it should be in red) this ones for u crainky australians

Originally Posted by CANNIBALCORPSE

Agreed, Americans are dumbasses.

Originally Posted by TruthDevoid

Originally Posted by Amon rA

nothing that irritates me about americans is there anyway, except about the inept world leader. .

Originally Posted by rabbifoodslicer

crainky

Originally Posted by ChrisRezendes

At least 90% of people of people are fucking idiots.

Originally Posted by BLS

whatever you say

Originally Posted by ChrisRezendes

Most people are dumbasses regardless of where they are from. There's no getting around it, and comparing literacy rates is no way of legitimately comparing the two. At least 90% of people of people are fucking idiots.

Originally Posted by Cloaca

Hey idiot, you wrote 'of people' twice twice.

And I disagree, I would put the figure at about 98%.

Originally Posted by SARS

If you are american and offended by that, than you Sir are an idiot.

Originally Posted by fatdanny

I will just point out that boxing is certainly not banned in England - would have been difficult for Amir Kahn to train and win us a silver in Athens otherwise. I seen to remember we did quite well in Judo as well...

We do have Ultimate fighting - I used to go to school with a guy who has since taken it up.

Rugby is better than American football - see the Kevlar armour and stopping every 20 seconds argument. Having said that, I dont especially enjoy rugby, but American football is frustrating to watch (all the stopping).

Brits aren't any better than Americans: www.chavscum.com

Originally Posted by PST 88

John's right, but not exactly. American English, except in places in which our heavy immigration has affected the accent in different ways, is pronounced in the way the English of Shakespeare, Spencer, and so forth was pronounced. Which is to say: if you see a production of Shakespeare in certain parts of the Northeast or Mid West, it's closer to the way it should sound than if you were to go to the Globe theater in London. This is because the British actually took the time to make their language more ornate, as they felt that those inferior continental folks were getting a tad uppity with their fancy pronunciation and periodic attempts to usurp Britain's monopoly over everything worth having. However, the spelling was changed by a committee of our famous Founding Fathers way back when America declared independence. It's not very rare for certain aspects of a culture to be better preserved in colonies, though. Just look at Spain's attempts to maintain its culture in the face of heathen invasion by nationalizing South Americans.

But, at this point, considering how many damn countries we've brought on, that whole thing about the accent is fairly moot.

Originally Posted by TranMan

john cleese is a dumbass, why would we want to learn other cultures or care bout how people from a distant country act. here in america we have it all, we dont need to go out side for anything. and you should be thankfull americans dont take rugby seriously beacuse we would dominate it like every other sport. did you see the olympics hahha pure rape.

Originally Posted by i_hate_nu_metal

My country, (Yugoslavia, if you've heard of it), handed you guys your asses in soccer and in basketball.

Originally Posted by i_hate_nu_metal

My country, (Yugoslavia, if you've heard of it), handed you guys your asses in soccer and in basketball.

Originally Posted by Chris Rezendes

Plus, we have nukes, or, as our doting leader prefers to refer to them "nucular weapons".

Originally Posted by Chris Rezendes

Yugoslavia isn't even a real fucking country. My country could just as well take Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, the UAE, Oman, Yemen, Kuwait, Bahrain, and Syria and call it Sandy Village, but it wouldn't be a real country. Oh well, I guess the US isn't a real country either if you want to look at it that way, but at least we've been around longer. Plus, we have nukes, or, as our doting leader prefers to refer to them "nucular weapons".

Originally Posted by brainsforbreakfast

But by all means, what is a country? Its just a geographic location, surounded by borders. A country today is no more than a logical conclusion from past ages, where borders ment 'your sphere of influence ends here'.
When a single country has more than one culture, and a lot of cultures are not home to a single country (ex. the Kurds in Iraq and Turkey, some nomadic tribes in africa), how can one claim that a 'country' is culture? Its pure politics. Yes, you could treat all arabic countries as one because they have simmilar culture, but that wouldn't make sense. Their concurent nations, meaning they work against each other, try to be more dominant, ammasing power.
And the U.s. hasn't been there that long. The colonies, of wich the US was later established are quite a bit older, but most of them were different mini-nations back then, and had different 'parent' nations.

Originally Posted by Chris Rezendes

I'm quite aware of American history, I'm also aware of the fickle or arbitrary nature on which most countries borders are based. My post was meant to be a joke, I thought that was obvious, but perhaps I should have used a smiley. I don't really like smileys and prefer to use them sparingly.

Originally Posted by uide5041

What US needs to know is that AMERICA is not US ...AMERICA is the whole continent...is very well said that they are NORTH AMERICANS because they are located on the north and the people from Brazil for example are called SOUTH AMERICANS but....they think that US is AMERICA....they are so so wrong !!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by low-tech

amerigo vasgetti wrote the star spangled banner and died in the revolutionary war, thats where america came from

Originally Posted by uide5041

What US needs to know is that AMERICA is not US ...AMERICA is the whole continent...is very well said that they are NORTH AMERICANS because they are located on the north and the people from Brazil for example are called SOUTH AMERICANS but....they think that US is AMERICA....they are so so wrong !!!!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by SARS

"united states of a lot of fat people"

Originally Posted by Chris Rezendes

This was somehow supposed to be more clever than "Assholes" or "Douchebags"? Well, I guess I should thank, you, really. For a minute there, I really started to buy into the common misconception that Brits boast a keener wit than us silly, unsophisticated Americans. I must thank you for reminding me just how incorrect that stereotype is.

Where the hell is John when you need him?

Originally Posted by SARS

You coudln't expect anyone atall to lavish praise could you? Whatever I was gonna say wouldn't of been any more clever than "assholes" or "douchebags", it'd all lead to a point of criticizing american's in toilet-humour fashion.

I could of said the following:

"United States of; a lot of morally impotent, we are better than every single other person cos we invented the a-bomb, have the most witty sitcoms in the world, our stance on pollution is top-notch, people who think not aren't gonna take up arms and disprove our goverment about this world effecting dilema(cos we're too lazy), non free thinking, world criticizing, lecturing, goodness dissipated, innocent human vivisectionist, world danger, fat people"

but chose not to.

Originally Posted by h4x5k8

were alll fat cunt faggots

Originally Posted by TranMan

all you fags shut up and except that USA is the most powerfull country in the world, i love you G.Bush, nuke those damn arabs.

Originally Posted by andrewc

don't ask me how you've managed to stay around this long.

Originally Posted by TruthDevoid

I'm definitly not fat being 6'2" 150' lbs. and I"m definitly not a faggot so i feel your theory is flawed