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2004-03-11, 23:14
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Lo, they do call to me...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
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slit wrists
kinda type o negative-esque
slit wrists
i can't live without my lover's kiss
i'll just go and slit my wrists
im going nuts 'cus life's a bitch
i'll just go and slit my wrists
a crimson river running thru my veins
and on the floor as my body drains
a euphoria better than any drug
i must be careful not to stain the rug
when i can't take it, i just cut myself
i bleed my body because life is hell
i'm depressed 'cus my life's not bliss
i'll just go and slit my wrists
bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed on the ground
bleed, bleed, bleed 'til i fuckin drown
bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed 'til i'm empty
bleed, bleed, bleed 'cus no one loves me
BooHoo...
BooHoo...
BooHoo...
BooHoo...
"i'm so sad because nobody likes me,
so i'm gonna slit my wrists, because
that will certainly make me feel better
about my anti-social behavior..."
Boo Fucking Hoo...
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Too grim to function
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2004-03-12, 00:24
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I am a tax on the world..
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: pizza with a shit on it!
Posts: 7,994
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that was really dumb, sorry. Maybe it's 'cause I'm not fond of Type o Neg....
boo fucking hoo, what the fuck is that  
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Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.
 
This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
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2004-03-12, 07:29
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Dog farts
Alumni Staff
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 5,008
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One word: Prozac.
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2004-03-12, 10:11
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Schrodinger's Cat
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Liverpool, England
Posts: 5,975
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by MoonRaven
a crimson river running thru my veins
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For me, that was the only part that had any sort of imagery going on. You seem to approach poetry too literally in this piece, ie, you're just describing the event of slitting your wrists. When you say "i'll just go and slit my wrists" it is too graphic and, due to this, doesn't inspire any emotion. Same with the quote at the end.
A little more emotiveness and imagery of where your mind would be heading would have made it a more enjoyable read. For example, you could use comparisons to ever increasing darkness as you fade from existance. Where is it dark? Think of places that would make you feel helpless and use the images that they conjure. Try to incorporate these ideas into your work.
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Album of the day:
Red Sparowes - At the Soundless Dawn
Last edited by johnmansley : 2004-03-12 at 10:29.
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2004-03-16, 12:13
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Well, if it's an actual serious song I'd lose the boo-hoo's. Guy Lombardo already did that song long before we were born anyways. Not quite like this but you understand. If it's a tongue in cheek Type O song like Weird Al might do, it's good.
However I was thinking if it was done as Type O Country-style song it would be pretty hilarious with a he-billy twang. Through some spoons and jugs in there and you'd be set.  No offense but with the boo-hoo's I just couldn't take it too seriously.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2004-03-16, 18:47
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Lo, they do call to me...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
If it's a tongue in cheek Type O song like Weird Al might do, it's good.
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it wasnt meant to be taken seriously, hence the boohoo's, thats why they are there, it sounds serious up until the boohoo's, but it isn't 
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Too grim to function
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2004-03-16, 18:58
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Schrodinger's Cat
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Liverpool, England
Posts: 5,975
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Ah, then forget everything I said above!
I first read it as if it was serious but after re-reading it in a more light-hearted vein it makes more sense. Even so I'd reduce the number of boo-hoo's, maybe one after each verse to serve as a poetical reminder of the lack of seriousness.
__________________
Album of the day:
Red Sparowes - At the Soundless Dawn
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2004-03-16, 22:31
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Lo, they do call to me...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
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point taken, sounds like a good idea
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Too grim to function
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2004-03-16, 22:35
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The Mountie From Hell
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Halifax N.S. Canada
Posts: 3,017
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Kind of "emo"ish... No offence.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Timedragon
i clicked on time... cause im timedragon
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2004-03-16, 22:47
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Throbbing Member
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Californeeway
Posts: 7,909
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If that was real, which it very well could be, then its the most pathedic thing I have ever read. Suicide is weak. If you really need the attention from others to confirm the meaning of your existence, then I would re-prioratize yourself.
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Check my band out:
facebook.com/deadheadroses
deadheadroses.bandcamp.com
deadheadrosesmusic.com
i'm so bonery
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2004-03-17, 02:57
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Lo, they do call to me...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
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its not meant to be taken seriously, it supposed to tongue in fucking cheek, i am so far from being suicidal its scary. i dont write suicidal shit to be taken seriously, and could you really take this poem seriously with the boohoo's
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Too grim to function
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