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2004-01-01, 13:41
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Hmm, I liked it until you blatantly said it was suicide. OUCH ! That knocked a few points off with me. I think it had a great flow to it and was like you were talking directly to someone else. Maybe even just thinking it but wishing another person could know exactly what your thoughts were. I guess because I've done that many times, maybe not this situation, but the thought process. I like that in pieces.
I've made little subtle changes . I don't think they distract from your message , but make it less 'whiny' sounding. Of course if you're in this mentality you'd be hurting for whatever reason so I don't think that needs to be said . Strength is needed to support the song itself. By that I mean the lyrics need to have the same feeling throughout and not drift to helplessness. One can need help , but still not be trivial about it. Does that make sense to you?
Here's my changes anyways . You can take or leave them. What do you think?
V2:
I'm worried
That my life is lost
Wasted...
In an ocean of emotions
Secretly beggin and pleadin
Wonderin' why my wrist is bleedin'
Then I realize I've chosen to die..
and
Chorus:
Somebody help me
Tha's all I'm askin' for
I'm behind a great wall
Of Denial and I need
Out...
Listen to me
Speak to me
What is wrong with me
Depression sets in
I can't seem to see
The direction that I'm headin' in
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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