k...here goes:

An innocent image of despair and doom
where Black Roses stink rot and bloom
the places dark elves dance
a place no man trots if his sanity is cared
No written rule, warn, save
from the unspoken words bared on lips
of fools and wisemen

Ah! many a brave man, witnessed
beauty and charm, both sin and grace
many a grave has been filled
fear froze on faces erased

Do not look back fool!
Your mind is too fragile to comprehend such darkness

it's a bit experimental...not my best text, but watcha think?

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Umm, I think you should add to it ? I'm a gardener so the idea of a black rose was cool to me. I'm thinking of the surroundings and growing conditions. Maybe the elves could only come out at certain times or the rose's pollen would do bad things to them. Cause madness or humaness (if there's a difference !) . I have a carrion plant that , when it blooms, smells like rotten meat and attracts flies that lay eggs in the center and soon you see tiny larvae worming around in the center. It's a very odd plant, but I'm a bit that way myself. The rose you spoke of says it rots before it blooms so maybe you can do more with that too. I just think it's a unique and interesting idea. I'll be curious to see if you add anything.

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An innocent image in the garden of doom
where the Black roses rot before they bloom
The corpal stenches drive sanity away
A place madmen join dark Elves in dance

Dance of bestial unholy night
Naked bodys covered in sweat and phlight
Deafening laughter, Maddening waltz
Dance till thy body collapses

When the sun shows its unfriendly face
To shed light on rotting place
The dark Elves are no more but flies
Covering many naked corpse with eggs

this better?

it should have a different name (since its a different song)
how 'bout "garden of corpses"?

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Using nudity in pieces is tricky business. Sometimes it sounds like it's just there for shock value. I think it's borderline here. That first verse was really good though. And the imagery in the rest flowed well. I don't think the word 'thy' was necessary in this though. But the rewrite was pretty good. I wouldn't completely trash the first because it had some good stuff in it , too. Use parts in something else.

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what did you mean? the first verse of the first or second text?

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The first verse of the second one. It has a good flow to it.
Are you going to add to it a t the end ? Having it end on 'eggs' seems a little strange , but I think that's personal opinion more than anything.

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you're right about that...but when you told about that carrion plant where flies layd their eggs, i couldn't help but picture a swarm of dark elves turning into flies to lay eggs in dead body's (the madmen wich they danced with)...

soooo....

do you know anything egglike that sounds better hmmm...methinks i should write another verse....but it seems already like the end (or rewrite the verse...aww...songwriting can be a pain sometimes when you want it to be good )

edit: i should add another verse just before the last one (about the dancers dancing and dieing)

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Thought you might like to see the darn thing. My plant is about 7 inches high and the flower must be about 10 inches across. It's star-shaped and the flies collect in the center of it. This isn't mine specifically, but it's the same thing. I have to take it out of the sun and put it in a plastic bag the odor is so bad when it blooms. I left it in my hot car with the windows up once. WRONG !!! Made me about gag! It's a fun plant to have though.

The bud peels back its petals --
http://www.succulent-plant.com/stapelia/stapelia3.jpg
And then it looks like this--
http://www.succulent-plant.com/stapelia/stapelia5.jpg
and it's hairy.

How about--
The dark Elves are no more but flies (Should the 'but' be a 'than' there?)
(Their) eggs covering the naked corpse

It switches that to a singular but it doesn't end with egg and still gets about the same idea across. Just a suggestion.
You could do another verse there. Think on it. Do your changes that you want and then go over it slowly. If it doesn't sound like something you'd actually say the way it's worded , tweak it til it is. That's what the 'big folks' do to get good songs.

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