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Old 2003-06-11, 04:37
Alothrysis
Senior Metalhead
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Depends on where I am
Posts: 181
First time song writing...

I just joined a DM band and I have been given lyrical duties in order to join so, let me know what you think good and/or bad criticism plz.

First song is your typical DM gore song and second is a bit more intricateÖ

Gutteral Laughs of Sorrow

Sight, Iím not seen
For in the night I hunt you
Never before have you seen this
Someone of uncompromising life
Under the moon is where you shall find
Unrevealed beneath this mask
Unstoppable will of stone
Tearing your flesh to the bone

On the alter I lay you
Sanctuary of many deaths
Escape is not a choice
With your trachea gone
You have no voice
Ripping flesh, serrated the scar
Trying to gasp an empty breath
In here you have no god
No one to save you
Put your faith into my knife
I promise it shall deliver
Bodily cavity, empty
Your mind is gone
You smell your heart, pungent rose
It falls to the floor, splashing in this garden of gore
Having nothing inside, I mournfully laugh
This is pure evil but it cannot stop
I can see the end, you have no hope
With your own death you try to cope
Eyes roll back no more is your life
Watching you die, laughs in the night

Tyrannical Irony

Sweat and tears, this ferocity is within
Ignorant and blinded by religion
Your kind will not be my next of kin
Reality, something you canít grasp
Though it bleeds under your skin
This authority comes from where
Who makes you the one to judge
Peering into the corners of your mind
A possibility you donít want there
The almighty so powerful
Your ignorance is my bliss

Isnít he the one that broke his own rule
Thou shall not wander from thy spouse
Having His son, Maryís fetus within
Turning this into the eternal lust house
I stand taller than your bloody cross
Watching your kind drown in their incestuous trough
Though I stand taller than you
There is something for me you could do
Clear your mind and see what I see
Faith is futile, there is no deity
Your life flashes before your eyes
To Him you look in the skies
Screaming into your transparent heart
Returning nothing, your soul dies
For the rest of time it is you I will haunt
Your god never came through
The despair inside rages in you

I am a saint of a lesser faith
You follow blindly
Follow through, your mind he will rape

Carry on as you do
Breaking down
Dare to ask who
Tearing at this blasphemy cell by cell
Will you survive, only time can tell
Asphyxiation of your coronary faith
He runs through your veins
Do you know what causes this pain
You are at war with the evil one
Fucking the innocent since conception
Killing as many souls as time allows
Doing what you can, never getting done
Swimming in the arteries, feeding your life
Is he worth that much, for Him you would die?
Foreign literature, comprehension scarce
Taking your faith to the edge of a knife
In the shadows is where the truth lies
Silent amongst you all, staring with hateful eyes
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Old 2003-06-13, 20:32
Def's Avatar
Def
Master Killer
Alumni Staff
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands
Posts: 11,372
Jezus, that's long!

but yeah, it will probably work for DM, I like the choice of words, like

Quote:
Unstoppable will of stone
tearing your flesh to the bone


the last couple of sentences are cool too, I like this part a lot:

Quote:
Taking your faith to the edge of a knifeTaking your faith to the edge of a knife
In the shadows is where the truth lies
Silent amongst you all, staring with hateful eyes


Yeah, good stuff, I don't like the part about Mary's Fetus etc. that second last verse just didn't feel like the rest of the song, but it might just have been my perception of the that verse.

anyways, good job on the lyrics, especially for a first time!!!

 
Old 2003-06-14, 19:20
Alothrysis
Senior Metalhead
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Depends on where I am
Posts: 181
Whoohoo, a response. Thanks for criticism Def, maybe I'll change that second verse of the first song around, make it rhythmically work a little better
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Old 2003-06-15, 14:49
Lord Arioch's Avatar
Lord Arioch
Senior Metalhead
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: NeverWhere
Posts: 171
First I've read it all so good point.

it lacks a flow sometimes. but I don't know the music played behind.
Otherwise good choices of words.
Maybe you could make it shorter to gain intensity.

but for a first time you go with the congratulations
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