|
2011-08-17, 04:52
|
 |
Post-whore
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,924
|
|
|
Let down
Thought it was you all these years.
The one for me to shed my blood, sweat, and tears.
I look around now.
What the fuck happened and how?
Nothing left.
Stuck here wearing a lead vest.
I’m falling but my shields up.
My emotions get the best of me,
Makes my heart hurt.
The feeling you get when it’s over,
So much colder,
And all it seems to do is make you older.
Dug our own grave.
Was our time to pay.
Left us feeling so depraved.
All the words we screamed in neglect.
The piper finally came to collect,
Damn what a debt.
The words we spoke must have come with interest,
Cause these emotions are relentless.
Hearts broken,
The key to the door no longer opens.
Dead flowers now,
Still asking how.
Sorry I let you down.
Lost in dreams and my own morality.
God please never hand me immortality,
Cause if I had to live it again,
I wouldn’t,
I just couldn’t.
Still seeing you,
Now wherethrough.
__________________
“Remember to live, eat, sleep and breathe music for the mind, play from your heart and never be swayed by the current trends.” ~Rusty Cooley
|
|
2011-08-27, 02:17
|
 |
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
Is the last line typoed somehow?
"The piper finally came to collect,
Damn what a debt.
The words we spoke must have come with interest,
Cause these emotions are relentless."
Them's some fine lines there, bud.
4, 5, and 6 in the second stanza were iffy reading them, but might be okay in a song. They just seemed like something thrown in for rhymes' sake.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
|
|
2011-09-03, 14:55
|
|
Post-whore
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,924
|
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
Is the last line typoed somehow?
"The piper finally came to collect,
Damn what a debt.
The words we spoke must have come with interest,
Cause these emotions are relentless."
Them's some fine lines there, bud.
4, 5, and 6 in the second stanza were iffy reading them, but might be okay in a song. They just seemed like something thrown in for rhymes' sake.
|
Thanks LB.
As for the typo yes and no. I wanted to attempt to show the word would be said quickly at that very point making more of a rhyme with "you".
Lines 4, 5, and 6 in stanza two were actually not put in for rhymes' sake. Thought they were pretty decent lines with some flow. However, after you pointed them out, they do seem to be lacking. Have to work on them some.
__________________
“Remember to live, eat, sleep and breathe music for the mind, play from your heart and never be swayed by the current trends.” ~Rusty Cooley
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|
