this is my first one, so don't be picky.

Thunder rolls

the mighty maya people,
gathered as one,
each looked at by the priest,
who shall call out a name and he will become,
the sacrifice of the day,
the name has been callen and

thunder rolls

the man climbs upwards to the priest,
who lays him on his back and

thunder rolls

the man who is layed on is back,
sees the knife in the priests neck,
he cries out a poem,
about the almighty maya gods,
all of a sudden the knife goes down,
blood flows and

thunder rolls


That's my debut, i know it doesn't rimes a lot, i really suck at riming.
I would appriciate tips,
thnx

__________________

Ehm, I don't like it, it's the use of words and the subject.

the whole maya thing sounds kind of gay, but hey, that's only my opinion, some people might like it.

try to use more difficult words, or try to make them more brutal without more difficult words. I know it's hard, I'm dutch too, and the straight translation doesn't make sense, I use a dictionairy most of the time.

rhyming

__________________

Hi ! Just a suggestion to brighten up your historical lyrics? Read or listen to Cortez the Killer by Neil Young. He does some excellent historically based pieces. This was okay, but I think if you take this as an outline and add some more indepth imagery it would make it more special.
Rhyming doesn't matter. Don't worry about it. I'd be interested to see this with the upgrade.
Hope that helps a little.

Dude, you want historical lyrics, download Caesar's Palace and Inquisition (Burn With Me) by Morbid Angel. Hell, even if you don't, get those two songs, they're awesome.

Only problem I see with what you wrote is the fact that everytime I see "Thunder Rolls" I think of that fucking Garth Brooks song, and I hate that song.

__________________

thnx guys, i think i should stop writing lyrics but start to write music, i'm better at that

__________________

hey man, it's not that bad! we're only giving you advice to improve, we all have to start somewhere, when I started my work was really crappy.

I'm happy I never posted that I'm older now and have a bigger english vocabulary, which helps me a LOT too.

well, my very first one was about me being hungry and go the the butcher and mall and eating and stuff, ill post it sometime

__________________

ehm, I think you'de better not

sounds like a really crappy subject, lol, just come up with new stuff, and post that instead.

here it is anyway (no inspiration for a new one yet), back then i wasn't interested in metal (3 years ago), its a blues song with basic chords, i'll typ em above so y'all can sing along!!!




A D
on just one day, i was hungry, mkay (southpark mkay style)
A D
on just one day, i was hungry, mkay



A D
So i went to the butchershop, and bought myself some porkchop,
A TACET
because i'm hungry and i want to eat, (eat some meat)



A D
on just one day, i was hungry, mkay (southpark mkay style)
A D
on just one day, i was hungry, mkay


A D
So i went to the mall, and bought food for all,
A TACET
because i'm hungry and i want to eat, (eat some meat)


Now stop laughing you bastards, a what the heck, it also makes me laugh now, but back then i was very proud

__________________

haha, you retard!

you watched tooooo many southpark episodes!

gimme a break, i was fucking 12, the ludest music i ever heard was bon jovi

__________________

And you admit it ?! HA! HA! HA! Bon Jovi .......(snickers) And I think I have almost every episode of South Park on tape. I love it. And I'm old. You should expand on your food piece. That could be really amusing, mkay? Maybe a food court ballad or something.