|
2003-02-13, 11:31
|
 |
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
(untitled) - tear it up !!
Maybe this wasn't exactly the best one to use for my first thread. It's just some freeverse I wrote today. Jump all over it. I can take it. And thanks for reading it if you do.
When I climbed up to the summit of the heaven I 'd discovered
I had hope inside my heart that glowed so golden
But when my fingers found the cloud so comforting to linger
The rain drops fell and I was left with nothing there
I climbed a staircase to nothing
Just a tired dream I'd had
And I can't seem to show my tears to anyone
Lost within you, inside my dreams
Scared and lonely now of the morning's light
And it's my own fight
To try to wake up after the sun
I have spilled words from my hell's ocean
I have said what causes pain
And I feel the torture of fingers strangling the words
I want to say to you now
I've kept the wilted roses close beside me
Thornless to the touch but still causing blood to fall
I weep tears in lonely daylight
And destruction is my only way.
BJH
Last edited by L,B'XXX : 2003-02-17 at 23:38.
|
|
2003-02-13, 18:58
|
|
Post-whore
|
|
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Look out behind you! That monkey has a knife!
Posts: 1,405
|
|
|
Actually, that is pretty good, except in the second part, you end twice with "light", which sounds kinda goofy.
__________________
"Hey! They're working! My feet are soaking wet, but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!"
"I guess it all works out in the end"
"Yeah, the REAR end."
-Beavis and Butt-head
|
|
2003-02-14, 20:25
|
|
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
Yeah, dude. You're right. I think it sounds better eliminating the second 'light' all together.
Scared and lonely now of the morning's light
And it's my own fight
To try to wake up after the sun
Thanks for pointing that out. Sometimes stuff like that will work but it sounded wrong there.
And thanks. I'm glad you liked it.
Anybody else ?
|
|
2003-02-15, 02:23
|
|
Drunken Yeti God
Alumni Staff
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: BangHer, Washington
Posts: 2,819
|
|
I think it would be best done under a blast beat, and sung black metal style 
On a more serious note, I think it sounds good, though. It's kinda hard to picture exactly what came about that gave you the thoughts for it, but sometimes that's the best part of the whole thing.
__________________
Fuck Brad and everyone who looks like Brad. From the looks of this picture, I think he's jerking off too much. Keep him away from LouAnne.
I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2's.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
You really have no dignity. I would rather have sex with my fifty year old father.
|
|
|
2003-02-16, 08:33
|
|
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
heh heh
Thanks, Waly. A blast beat ? Can you be a little more specific ? I take it you were being sarcastic, but I'm showing my ignorance in that genre.
And I write from different perspectives. It keeps me from getting bored with what I'm writing. Some touches on experience though. Thanks for the review.
|
|
2003-02-16, 17:55
|
|
Drunken Yeti God
Alumni Staff
|
|
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: BangHer, Washington
Posts: 2,819
|
|
|
I'll let you listen to a blast beat sometime in the near future. It's double bass under very rapid snare hits, and usually tremolo picked guitar riffs with it.
__________________
Fuck Brad and everyone who looks like Brad. From the looks of this picture, I think he's jerking off too much. Keep him away from LouAnne.
I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2's.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
You really have no dignity. I would rather have sex with my fifty year old father.
|
|
|
2003-02-17, 12:11
|
|
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
Thanks Waly
Learned something new today. It sounded pretty cool. I LOVE double bass anyway. Thanks again.
|
|
2003-02-17, 22:43
|
 |
I am a tax on the world..
Forum Leader
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: pizza with a shit on it!
Posts: 7,994
|
|
|
it is pretty good.
first........good.
second...ehhhhh
third.......good
fourth.....good
first and last best.
__________________
Man, I get real sweaty after I wack my dong. Yeah, cause I headbang while I do, and I can't really "Jump" (haha ) like VanHalen in a dorm room, so I just walk back and forth....haha a couple days ago I was jumping up and down on my bed, with my pants down and my roommate came in when I wasn't looking, hahaha.
 
This is my band's page
http://www.myspace.com/ferocitydentontx
|
|
2003-02-17, 23:32
|
|
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
Thanks powersofterror. Glad you basically liked it.
|
|
2003-03-14, 02:39
|
 |
Supreme Metalhead
|
|
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 655
|
|
|
Hey man that's good work, probablky one of the best I have read on here so far. keep it up man your doing good. Hail!!!
__________________
walk through nature's dwelling
hide from obscure trees listening
winter brings gloom, brings remnants of our shadows
twilight casts spells on those who espouse their fate
ice pricks necks like knives, leaving shards of cadaverous skin
tears spout from eyes, shunned from mankind's den
(Prayer For Cleansing/ "A Dead Soal Born")
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|
