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2009-04-27, 21:23
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New Blood
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 32
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Genocide
Carnage is his strategy
To make a holocaust, his dreams
He will annihilate you
He wants to obliterate you
Your entire nation
Nation of you
It's genocide,genocide,genocide,...
It's deliberate
It's gonna be catastrophic
But you will exctinct
You will exctinct
It's genocide,genocide,genocide,...
Just a litlle something i wrote... Comment!!!
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2009-04-28, 06:19
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Antwerp
Posts: 1,472
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I assume you're talking about "THE" Holocaust. They didn't yet have a nation when that happened.
__________________
So this Georgian Olympian runs into a bar
Aosoth - New album III out now on Agonia Recs
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by far_beyond_sane
Tetianblood? ... Well, 'Necrosemen' to you too. Twat.
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2009-04-28, 13:47
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Even if you're not being specific to an event whether it's fictional or fact it just doesn't have enough bones to make it stand on it's own. It needs a little more depth so it will make it memorable.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2009-04-28, 14:37
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New Blood
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 32
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yes i agree with you L,B'XXX...now..bones..yeah...help me with those bones man...tell me what should i add or remove...help me make it memorable..thanx...
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2009-04-28, 16:03
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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You have carnage as his strategy in the first stanza so you might describe how that will be done. In the second, obliteration of a nation. Why does he hate that so much? What does he hope to accomplish by making them extinct?
It's like bones are the spine of the piece and you've added a few ribs to it, but you're further adding muscle and tendon to it.
I hope that helps. If you come up with something be sure to post it and I'll look it over for ya along with everyone else.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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