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2008-11-04, 02:21
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,865
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From the Grave
wrote some lyrics for my band:
Voices from the undead,
echo in the dark.
Messages sent from Hell,
burning in their thoughts.
In a trance, hypnotized,
bodies come to life.
Thirst for blood, dehumanize,
victims bleed and cry.
CHORUS:
FROM THE GRAVE,
preminitions of death.
Screams beyond the undead,
six feet under the ground!
FROM THE GRAVE,
resurrection of the damned.
Dominate all human life,
under infernal command.
Feeding on, human flesh,
a vile appetite.
Devouring, consuming,
innocent young lives.
Beasts of hell run amuck,
one thing on their minds:
Eliminate humanity, assimilate or DIE
Repeat Chorus
END
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Sex is free if you don't mind spending most of your night in the bushes with both a balaclava and an overblown sense of entitlement.
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2008-11-10, 20:44
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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I read this a couple days ago and gave it another read now because I really have to be in the right mood to even follow a lyric such as this without my personal bias. The flow and structure was good. The thought patterns, if they were a fresh read, were fine.
I guess my criticism is just that it's compartively like a love song. After reading these type lyrics for so many years it's become old hat and I personally need to see something really fabulously different to really give it a lot of credit, but as for crowd singablity or being song material period it fits the bill.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2008-11-13, 18:47
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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Here is the thing -
You have this idea, this thought, this sentiment that you are expressing.
But you've gone and cut it up into pieces. A lot of fragments, and to be fair, I use fragments too, but you have to dish out a few more complete thoughts. For example -
"Voices from the undead,
echo in the dark.
Messages sent from Hell,
burning in their thoughts.
In a trance, hypnotized,
bodies come to life.
Thirst for blood, dehumanize,
victims bleed and cry."
What is this? It's vague for one. Your audience probably isn't sure what it is that you are referencing, I am know I am unsure. If it is a scene then it needs more description, if it is a person then in it needs a personality, if it is an emotion it should all be relative, but you seemed to have jumped around leaving me a big question mark.
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Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2008-11-21, 04:16
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,865
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well, they're song lyrics, they go along a flow with several riffs and a drumbeat played in a specific manner, which is why they are cut up how you say they are. I meant to write them out like this.
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Sex is free if you don't mind spending most of your night in the bushes with both a balaclava and an overblown sense of entitlement.
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