*self shadow*

wished on all the stars
black-sky aftermath
lost in abyssal dark
oblivious in this plight

*the wind*

fret not, young lad
thine stars remain
i've drawn the clouds
thy shadow decieves

*self*

i feel not decieved
elucidate this anguish
or retract the clouds
and resume desolation

*the wind*

abandon you, i will not
desire is thy salvation
the optimist will prosper
the pessimist will decay

*self*

such far-fetched dreams
how am i to endure?

*the wind*

oh, my son. sleep, now
she, seasons and ages await!

END
-TD

Cheers!

What made you write lyrics about farting?

LOLOLOZZLE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


seriously, though. what did you think?

this is the most boring forum in all of metaltabs.

What do you expect?

It's not bad, though I'd prefer a bit more structure. At least it's fairly clear.

to tell you the truth, i expected LBXXX to comment
and after directly asking him, blizzard to mention something other than farting . thats about it. thanks for commenting.

Well, you'll learn never to speak to bb, then, I hope.

By the way, when I said 'structure' I meant as in rhyme and meter, because otherwise it's well-structured enough.

haha, i have no problem with bb

ahh, alright. for some reason, when i rhyme, i feel like im forcing myself to use words that fit. ultimately, allowing the possibility of altering the initial thought. ...or just calling for a longer, more tedious process. rather than my natural flow.

I like this a lot. Nice vocab use. The whole thing seems to have come out with somewhat ease.



I feel the EXACT same way about rhyming. I try to stay away from getting too caught up in both the sensual value that rhyming offers and the overall aesthetics, and rather focusing primarily on the actual substance. Though, I do like to have sort of a 2-thought pattern as a theme throughout - meaning that every pair of lines deals/agrees with one another - but it doesn't need to rhyme.

But I have found that sometimes looking for words that rhyme is a good way to further analyze and understand the topic that the poem is about and therefore enable you to express it better. Who's to say that a poem can't rhyme in order to be natural and stay consistent?

EDIT:



yeah it gets way too quiet 'round here. I wish more people rolled through.

__________________

That's not bad at all man and seems clearer in some regards than some work I've posted up.