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2007-06-09, 00:45
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Lo, they do call to me...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
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you lied
havent posted shit up here in ages, but i wrote something last week, its a psychobilly tune, for those of you who dont know psychobilly, its like brian setzer/stray cats type shit, but way faster, and more punk influenced, good music, ALOT of killer bass work. all that said, heres my first attempt at some psychobilly lyrics.
You Lied
i treated you like a queen
drove you from here to there
bought you fucking cigarettes
and you think it's been fair
YOU LIED
YOU LIED
i may not be perfect
but dammit i tried
and YOU LIED
i want see other people
is what you told me that day
how did i fucking know
that thats exactly what youd say
YOU LIED
YOU LIED
when id done you wrong
i apologized
but YOU LIED
you lied to me
not her but he
with another guy
the whole damn night
you slept in bed
with another shit head
while i stayed true
and honest to you
YOU LIED (bitch)
YOU LIED (whore)
when you sayed those words
it killed my heart inside
and YOU LIED
YOU FUCKING LIED
YOU LIED
YOU LIED
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Too grim to function
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2007-06-09, 03:00
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
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...
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2007-06-09, 10:57
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Lo, they do call to me...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
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WOW, what an insightful comment, your intellect knows no bounds, but seriously, dont be a cunt, if you dont like something or anything about it, fucking say it, if you do, fucking say it, but the "..." thing just says "i dont have the vocabulary or the intelligence to comment on this, so i will make a comment that says absolutely nothing"
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Too grim to function
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2007-06-09, 11:08
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
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hahahahahahahaha, touchy or what dude. i never seen someone get so fired up over 3 pixels! damn!
shit im really sorry man.
this poem fucken blows. better?
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2007-06-09, 11:17
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Lo, they do call to me...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
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THANK YOU, thats all i ask, i hate comments that have no depth, and while "this poem fucking blows" isnt exactly insightful, its better than "..."
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Too grim to function
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2007-06-09, 11:19
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
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you make me lol
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2007-06-09, 14:13
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,924
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I could see where you were coming from with this. However, it just seemed like a more pissed off ramble, it could use some editing. Maybe less repetition on "You Lied", and a little bit more insight on what you did for her instead of just buying her a 4 dollar pack of cigs.
All in all a decent poem that needs a little editing up.
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“Remember to live, eat, sleep and breathe music for the mind, play from your heart and never be swayed by the current trends.” ~Rusty Cooley
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2007-06-09, 16:24
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
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i think in psycho billy part of the whole 'thing' is to be sorta pissed off, like a hillbilly pissed off at his cheating wife and he's spittin and cussin about it
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2007-06-09, 17:56
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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It's not the best, but as a fast paced rant it's okay. Probably a lot of broken-hearts would grab it because it's simple enough in thoughts that lots could relate to it. Not saying you're simple, but I'm sure you know that's not what I meant. The only thing I'd ditch are the explecetives at the end, but that's just my preference.
You kids! lol
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2007-06-09, 22:08
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,982
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Me, in the fucking forum rules
1. I want constructive criticism from all of you. If the poem/lyrics work for you it's fine to just say 'good job' or whatever, but if they don't, give some type of idea why and how you think they could be improved. I'll give you a post or two to elaborate an original statement, but if all you have to say is 'this fucking sucks' with no reasons as to why it fucking sucks, expect your opinions to start disappearing.
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So, why does it fucken blow? How could it not fucken blow? |
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2007-06-09, 23:03
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: terra firma
Posts: 6,940
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You get the point out vividly enough. It wasn't to bad in my opinion but I don't know shit about poetry.
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2007-08-17, 10:05
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 800
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Nothin like bone dry, right-in-your-face lyrics. I reckon that's some decent psychobilly right there. Fun stuff, fun stuff.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
TRANZ? LLOZ.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by BOB_ZE_METALLEU
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Originally Posted by CannibalXampire
Everyone is wrong.
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