Born and Bred of Bewilderment

born and bred
spawn of the blind
nothing can heal you
only time

enveloped in lies
will you see the truth
a vulnerable mind
the weakness of youth

the light in which you seek
blinds when it is found
the voice in which you follow
deafens with a sound

don't look to the sky
do not fear the below
think what you want
question what you know


I think I have lots of ideas in my head, just my english skills are holding me back, so i'm specifically looking for crits concerning grammar etc.

I could hear a baritone voice doing this. I don't think I'd change any of it. It had great meter on the first read and the message is very coherent. I liked the idea.

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I like this a lot actually, especially the third stanza. Very clever word use, only I think "The light that you seek blinds when it is found." would sound more correct, even though it messes up the rhythm a little bit.

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Seems good all over, though the third stanza has problems.

'The light in which you seek' would be the light that allows you to look for something else, so it seems a bit strange, grammatically, that you'd mention what happens when you find it. Since the first and third lines aren't part of the rhyme, I'd suggest just changing them to 'The light which you have sought' and 'The voice which you have followed,' which preserve the same rhythm but don't strain the grammatical sense as much.

I also don't like the line 'deafens with a sound,' because it doesn't suggest a definite change as happens with the light, but I can't think of anything better. Maybe just 'deafens with its sound,' which could suggest an accretive effect, as if the voice builds in volume, or through reverberation, as it continues, and to listen to it long enough allows it to grow too loud. But maybe that doesn't suggest that.

Aside from that, not bad. There are a few times when you depart from your own rhythm, and I'd just suggest in those cases that you make sure you're doing so deliberately. But pretty good.

Criticisms noted and applied.

I like to keep original versions so I have well... the original writing. I added your suggestions to it so if I ever do something with this piece I can choose or modify.

Thanks for the help.

deafens WITHOUT a sound would be better, considering this is anti religion and there's nothing to be found, as in the wool is being put in the ears and intoxicating peeps with religion without even having to exist, just like the non existent sound

i think

and also it should be the light such as you seek, not the light in which you seekm because really again, there's no light to be found - but you are blinded in the search for it. and when you say you are searching 'in the light' how can it 'blind when it is found' if you are already searching in it, you'd have to have already found it to be actually in it

rest is all good IMO

plus its REAL late this might not make much sense. either way feel privilaged cause i like never give crits but this is decent for a metaltabs offering and that what i think needs changing

thank you i'm honoured

It was probably a late night writing for me too but thank you for helping me make sense.