I really want to make this song good because the subject matter is something close to me. I know it should all come from me, but I wouldn't mind some ideas on how to expand it since I've been stuck on it for 2 days...


As for the feel.mood of the song, think Zakk Wylde's - In this River




Verse 1

Even petals fall from the strongest flowers,
Even trees lose their bloom.
And the sun in the sky won't last forever,
Unlike the memories of you.

Verse 2

And though the dust has settled for a long long time,
I sometimes hear you call my name.
It's good to know you see through our eyes,
Close spirits in the falling rain.

Possible chorus

And if you were here for one more day,
I swear I'd help you slip away.
I'd watch you leaving on the train

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The first line doesn't make sense; the 'strongest flowers' should be emphasized by an 'even,' not the 'petals.' You could fix that by making the petals strong, or by a more substantive change. Flowers, not trees, lose their bloom. Again, this could be fixed fairly easily.

I'd say keep the third line, but make 'last' into 'burn.' If you end up keeping the 'even's in the previous lines, then change this line so that it also begins with an 'even.' For some reason that verse, or those two lines, remind me of the 'doubt that the stars a fire' bit, which is a very nice thing to be reminded of.

I'd recommend changing the first line of the next verse to 'And though the dust has been settled a long time.' The rest is fine.

You're probably right in being hesitant about the chorus.

Thanks a lot for the crit. I agree with the first line thing.

The chorus was one of many ideas I had and it was rushed cos I was just on my way to work.

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It's got a nice mellow piano feel to it. I think with the subtle change to the second verse that will be really good. That's a beautiful verse.
The first one is debateable. I can see what PST is saying about the wording, but I can also see how you're saying it, too. I think it boils down to your preference.
And technically a tree does bloom, but it's just not quite the same as flowers' bloom so I'd keep that just to take it a step beyond the normal tree thought.
I went and read the ZW lyric you mentioned since I wasn't familiar with the song, and I am getting that feel from it. Maybe the chorus you have should be another verse or a break, and another chorus written.

Nice piece.

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