Nightfall is retaking the day
Since devoured is the sun
For the ancient curse I am prey
The torment has begun
The psychopath in me is screaming
To break out once more
As disguise belongs to just the dreaming
I am trapped in my core

I wish to strike the sorceress
But I cannot rayse my blade
An enchantment has entered my veins
To perform a serenade
A craving lust for blood red magic
Is injected in my soul
My common sense is drayned away
Made place for a huge ghoul

Graves are stretching out their arms
For me as they seduce
If only Venus liberates me
From this dead-end's abuse
The roses that were once so red
Have blackened and now died
My good-intentioned heart has broken
And I am horrified


How can I kill her when Cupid's arrows are aymed?
How can I fight a war that has never been proclaymed?
How can I move forward when I am stabbed from behind?
How can I master my life when Death is all I find?

I cannot stay at the surface if I am torn down
The maelstrom of the ceased future drowns me in myself
I am falling in the abyss...

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This is one of the most recent pieces I wrote. PST88, tell me what you think.

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Very gracefully detailed. I like it.

Stuff about shit entering veins and stuff, excellent.

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couldnt read it, poorly worded, the retarded fact you place a y randomly in and word where it might possibly fit, and the way you've placed them is inconsistent as well cos theres still places where you could have put a y. just dumb.

If you do not know anything about me posting in this thread (or any thread), then fuck off.
Substituting an i for a y is a willful mistake, and it is not random. You should look closer to where I placed them before you just say it is inconsistent and dumb. It is an i after every 'a' that is substituted only, and as I am the only one doing so, it is part of my style. You do not have to like my style, but at least TRY to live with it.

Rest of the criticism I expect to be only about the content, and not of my (ab)use of the English language. And if you somehow feel due to still do so, I suggest you read forum rule 2. (I am expecting someone stating this: You cannot win that struggle to me, for I am not giving up my own style.)

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all retarded 'y' placing aside, this is cliche and poorly worded. k

Some part that is lost for the reader without any knowledge of my love-life is the roses stated in verse three. Her name is Roos, and she has read this. She noticed the roses, but she did not make the link between the text and herself.

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I loved the imagery of the red roses turning black. I've watched my own roses do that and used in older poetry. The blood red magic was a vivid burst, too.

I liked this piece. It took me a couple times reading it to get into the right mindframe. It has a medieval feel to it like Rick Wakeman might have done.

I knew about your spelling from other pieces I've read of you. I personally don't think it's necessary, but if that's your gig then it's a pretty harmless one and nothing to get tizzied about. It's nothing more than a trademark of yours which is fine by me.

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Now THAT is the sort of post I mean
This was by the way (for if you were looking for any message) not an acrostic.

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A few quick things:

1. Again, please have something better to say than 'there are y's!' if you're going to bother to post.
2. Spelling things with an 'ay' is not your 'style.' It is your 'silly affectation.' I don't give a damn if you want to make every 'ai' into an 'ay,' but if that's what you want to do I'd appreciate it if you didn't confuse spelling affectations with style, though it would be consistent with your previous formal errors. They're not trying to change your style and you're not defending your prerogative as an artist. And if you really believe that choosing to spell things incorrectly means you 'have your own style' then you deserve those stupid criticisms, because you're a pretentious fuckwit in need of deflating.
3. Finally, if I haven't come by and told people what kind of response not to give, you just wait. You only can control the response insofar as you can control the material; once you've released it to the public you don't have any say over how people respond. Learn to live with that.

If I'm going to post a critique I'll post it later.

The placement of the 'y' in your words changes the way I read such work. I picture myself saying those words, and with a 'y' my mouth is different, even though the pronunciation tells me it is the same. It is much like a shade to a color I already know is red. --aside from spelling, I see no error in the presentation of your work in this regard.

I think one of the biggest things about words' spelling is whether something feels like a poem or a song. If it's song material it doesn't mean a hill of beans what it looks like written as long as it's readable to sing it.

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I meant this indeed like a song rather than a poem, and I was already writing music to it.

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