i feel this is a good piece for some odd reason im not one to brag please critique it like hell...

smoke another cigarette
feel so much regret
as i smell the vodka on her breath
just taking death as it comes
slowly dying young

I've out grown my stay
i cannot wait
to get away

as we lay down
i cannot feel
i grow so numb
as i look into those empty eyes
i don't let you in my barrier
as your blue eyes stare
i look away

I've out grown my stay
i cannot wait
to get away

no one can see
the emptiness i feel
I've grown so old
as i take this on
i become
so torn in this place


I've out grown my stay
i cannot wait
to get away

late night stay again
i wake up through with this
i see her
arm around me
and i don't even know her name

nameless
nameless
nameless night

the girls who are the flowers i see
no one can match the rose in my dreams....

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This was actually very good. I thoroughly enjoyed the creation of imagery, and a not well defined setting for a more personal response. It flowed well, the repeated stanza gave a sense of bringing back, and theme, and overall a great piece.


One thing I didn't like was your lack of punctuation. I know this is poetry and you can do whatever the fuck you want, and be as symbolic as you wish, but I feel it would be better in this piece. This is because in today's day and age lack of punctuation is everywhere and especially on IM's and forums. It kind of makes the piece less serious for me as I read it. Like it's just meant to be loose chat, if you know what I'm saying. This is a pretty serious piece, and evoked imagery through text, and that effect can be lessened if what I am looking at reverts me to an idea of less seriousness (i.e. loose chat, 12yr old girls chatting on IM). Just my thoughts. I found the only punctuated " I've" 's more powerful as a result, but it depends on whether you want to accentuate the personal nature of the poem. This could be good, but also might make the poem less accessible to your readers.


Anyhow great job, this poem actually made an impact on me. Holy fuck it is quite relevant actually. Quite freakishly coincidental I now realise. Even uses terms I use to describe my regrets and whatnot. Even if the poem did have a unusally large impact on me, i'm sure many others can relate just as well. I like this a lot, feels like fate that I coincidentally clicked it, as I don't visit this forum much.

Thanks for the props man means alot. As for the things you asked to do ill be sure to get to it as soon as i have a few spare minutes.

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Not bad man. The first stanza seems odd because it has 5 lines.

This was definately something different than whats usually posted here. I thought it was fairly original. not bad.

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It had a dark, droaning feel musically to me which I think would punch the lyric forward. The last two lines were done in such a different tone from the rest of the piece I think that could be seperate from the musical structure of the rest of the piece. Something with an ominous tone, but more "floral" or pretty sounding. Do you know what I mean?

The "no one knows ..." stanza would be nice to add a swell of sound to like the completion of an inhale and then the exhale into the latter part and then to the end.

The more I read it the more it's writing it's tune. I like it.

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Thanks for the props people, ill be sure to make the changes asked..when i get time

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youre very well versed.
Its about taking advantage of drunk chicks right?

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Na its more less about you know going out drinking and you and this girl hook up. Well you and her go back to the place and then you wake up and you realize how empty life is when you don't even truly know her. I mean you feel lonely in away not even loving the girl.. its not truly like you don't know her name it kind of deals with that you know nothing about her....and the regret that kind of sets in at points...

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That's not very metal. Life is about sex, beer, and weed. Duh. You fuck faggot. You skinny little queer bitch cocksucker.

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Listen for dude, you must be like 13 or some shit..and when you have fucked as many girls as i have you relize when you want to settle down and just be with someone and to share more than intercourse with all day long that you become tired of the long nights out, same girl just a different body...you want more someone to share the fucked up and good moments with..especially considering i dont have alot of friends around anymore.

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Jumping at any occasion to show how non-shallow you are. It's soaked in sarcasm.

I've never fucked. I've only made love. You suck. Fuck settling down. I'm not into dying.

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HAhahahahahahahaha!

That was a new in serious responses to obvious sarcasm. You should be proud (of having been oblivious).

problematic: you are not Mr. Grammar. You fuck up grammar and punctuation all the time. Do not call people out on their grammar and punctuation.

The verse in which you 'lay down' should be replaced. That stanza should reflect whatever your positive feeling is at the time (and nobody does something they don't enjoy in the slightest, even if they claim so later) - if so it may be impressionistic, if not it's just moralistic, which is never worth it.

actually myfull nme is john westwood grammar, and i have nver fuked ip gramar.


I wasn't just being an ass. I gave full reason to why I think he should make an effort. This is poetry after all. I wasn't blatantly calling him out on grammar. I was trying to be constructive. It seems as though he never "got time", so it doesn't really matter anyway.