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2008-03-31, 01:29
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Amy, a blonde city girl, marries an Idaho rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
Insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know.....how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what the hell is the nail for?' The blonde turns to walk away, and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-03-31, 07:56
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Vaginal Warts
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: I live in a giant bucket.
Posts: 2,289
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
My father just sent this to me. Before I read the last line I was thinking "Why would he send me this weird, cheesy story".
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life t o her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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that's very 
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by PST 88
The bottom of that 'Don't Click' picture is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. 'No, I really DO have a vagina! It's right here!'
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Blackwater (Friend's Metal Band)
MY WEBSITE!
R.I.P Paddy. My dear and loving father will never be forgotten. |
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2008-03-31, 08:59
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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lol yeah that one was pretty good.
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-03-31, 21:37
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-03-31, 22:17
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: terra firma
Posts: 6,940
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lol
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2008-04-02, 04:00
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-04-02, 04:57
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: terra firma
Posts: 6,940
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hahaha!
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2008-04-02, 07:52
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter-girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints, and asks the clerk the same question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say about 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies,"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together, and then rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough, how old am I ?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible! How could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No, I promise I won't," she says.
"Well" he said, "I was behind you in the line-up at McDonald's"
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-04-02, 08:03
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 800
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HA! That sounds like the kind of man whose hand I would like to shake.
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
TRANZ? LLOZ.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by BOB_ZE_METALLEU
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CannibalXampire
Everyone is wrong.
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2008-04-02, 19:59
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: terra firma
Posts: 6,940
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lmao
That was a good one.
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2008-04-02, 23:40
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Throbbing Member
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Californeeway
Posts: 7,909
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A QUICK Q&A WITH LORD DYLDO:
Q: What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A: A baby in a trash compactor.
Q: Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
A: Because she was a girl.
__________________
Check my band out:
facebook.com/deadheadroses
deadheadroses.bandcamp.com
deadheadrosesmusic.com
i'm so bonery
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2008-04-15, 21:35
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Throbbing Member
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Californeeway
Posts: 7,909
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What's the smartest thing to come out of a women's mouth?
Einstein's cock.
__________________
Check my band out:
facebook.com/deadheadroses
deadheadroses.bandcamp.com
deadheadrosesmusic.com
i'm so bonery
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2008-04-15, 22:15
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Maastricht, Netherlands
Posts: 1,506
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Some old one's. people will prolly know these. Edit: I'm not a racist  . Don;t take shit to seriously =p
- It's green with a ball and chain and mows your lawn
* It's my nigger. I can paint him every colour I want
- How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
* Take your foot off the back of his head.
- What's a niggers idea of foreplay?
* "Don't scream or I'll cut you, bitch."
- Why do jews have big noses?
* Air is free.
- How do you know Adam and Eve were not black?
* You ever try to take a rib from a nigger?
- Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
* He doesn't know he's black.
- What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
* Father's Day.
- When does a Black man turn into a nigger?
* As soon as he leaves the room.
__________________
.
.
.
.
.+-+ .....::::: Alive to Live, Not to Believe....In a God that I cannot see :::::..... +-+
Last edited by Six_Feet_Under_420 : 2008-04-15 at 22:46.
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2008-04-15, 22:21
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: terra firma
Posts: 6,940
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Six_Feet_Under_420
- It's green with a ball and chain and mows your lawn
* It's my nigger. I can paint him every colour I want
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That's a new one to me.
xD |
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2008-04-15, 23:22
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Six_Feet_Under_420
- What's a niggers idea of foreplay?
* "Don't scream or I'll cut you, bitch."
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Haha, I love those jokes.
What's Jewish foreplay?
A trip to the jewelry store, followed by 2 hours of begging.
What's Canadian foreplay?
*nudge* "Hey, you awake?"
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
What's the smartest thing to come out of a women's mouth?
Einstein's cock.
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__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-04-16, 02:30
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Slayer of dumb cunts
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, va
Posts: 3,622
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by blitz906
What's Canadian foreplay?
*nudge* "Hey, you awake?"
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You told it wrong...
Quote:
What's Canadian foreplay?
*nudge* "Hey, you awake, eh?"
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__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
...Its very annoying to keep having to hear some socially-disabled teen come on these boards talking about all the drugs he's started doing so that he can maybe grasp onto some kind of positive response so he feels better about himself and what he's doing.
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About requiem. Aint it the truth... |
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2008-04-16, 02:38
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Ah fuck, I forgot to type the 'eh' 
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-04-16, 03:44
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Drugged Unholy
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Philadelphia Area
Posts: 2,458
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Six_Feet_Under_420
- How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
* Take your foot off the back of his head.
|
And to add to this..
How do you drown a nigger?
Pop his lip
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by MetalThrashingMad
I don't know about you, but I deadlift because I strive to be the first human tree stump pulling machine  |
Quote:
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Originally Posted by viewer_from_nihil
the song serial cocksucker changed my life
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
Are you going to snort cheap pharmaceutical drugs with your lizard as well?
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2008-04-16, 03:46
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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Q: Why do police dogs lick their own assholes?
A: to get the taste of nigger out of thier moulthes
Q: Why are there trees in Harlem?
A: Public Transportation
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2008-04-16, 04:17
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Manitoba Canada
Posts: 1,107
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by TruthDevoid
And to add to this..
How do you drown a nigger?
Pop his lip
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LMFAO! thats one of the best nigga jokes ive heard in awhile.
__________________
fuck i love peaches!
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2008-04-16, 04:49
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,865
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by blitz906
What's Jewish foreplay?
A trip to the jewelry store, followed by 2 hours of begging.
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HOLY HELL!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Sex is free if you don't mind spending most of your night in the bushes with both a balaclava and an overblown sense of entitlement.
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Last edited by YOUR_GOD_IS_DEAD : 2008-04-16 at 04:59.
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2008-04-16, 05:22
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy." When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children." "Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman. "That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker. "Oh, den I uses the last names."
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-04-16, 15:40
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New Blood
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: VA
Posts: 18
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A man walks into a bar and looks at the bar tender, and asks "Do you serve everyone here?"
The bartender looks at him and goes "Why yes sir.."
The man goes "Good, my crocodile will take a nigger"
How do you get a nigger to shut up? stick his lips to the wall.
How do you get him down? Teach him to say Mother Fucker.
How do you get a nigger out of a tree? Cut the rope.
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2008-05-01, 23:39
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'
The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?'
The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-05-09, 14:49
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 128
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A man finds a bottle. When he rubs it, a ghost comes out of it. The ghost says the man can now make a wish. "Well, I would really like a bridge to be built between America and Europe, it could be nice and handy and help the economy and the environment." The ghost says "Well, that is going to be really tough! I mean, where am I going to acquire all the building materials required? And with the prices of these days it truly isn't going to be cheap either... Don't you have a different wish?" The man answers, "I'd like to understand women."
"Two or four lanes?"
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by drawn&quartered
thank god its fake. Its fake, right? right guys???
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Timedragon
Quote:
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Originally Posted by PST 88
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Incidentally, one second after that pic loaded, a voice on my tv said "on the other side of that fence, is freedom." i found this little situation to be pretty damn funny. |
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2008-05-09, 18:59
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wigger/redneck/drunkard
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: austin tx
Posts: 2,234
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why was JFK a terrible boxer?
he couldn't take a shot to the head.
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2008-05-09, 21:13
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by moe_blunts
why was JFK a terrible boxer?
he couldn't take a shot to the head.
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__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-05-11, 10:59
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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A 13 yr old boy comes home from school and watches television as his father reads the paper. "I experienced my first blow-job today" the boy blurts out unprovoked. The stunned father drops the paper and just stares at the kid. In shock, the only response he can immediately think of is "well, what was it like?". The kid responds "Okay I guess, but my jaw is fucking sore"!
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-05-17, 11:14
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and only have to spend $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-06-09, 19:27
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Throbbing Member
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Californeeway
Posts: 7,909
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Made this up yesterday. Friend just about disowned me.
Q: What was Eric Clapton's sons' favorite band?
A: Fallout Boy!
__________________
Check my band out:
facebook.com/deadheadroses
deadheadroses.bandcamp.com
deadheadrosesmusic.com
i'm so bonery
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2008-06-09, 21:12
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Vaginal Warts
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: I live in a giant bucket.
Posts: 2,289
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You sick bastard 
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by PST 88
The bottom of that 'Don't Click' picture is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. 'No, I really DO have a vagina! It's right here!'
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Blackwater (Friend's Metal Band)
MY WEBSITE!
R.I.P Paddy. My dear and loving father will never be forgotten. |
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2008-06-10, 04:05
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Drugged Unholy
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Philadelphia Area
Posts: 2,458
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
Made this up yesterday. Friend just about disowned me.
Q: What was Eric Clapton's sons' favorite band?
A: Fallout Boy!
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Fucking Brilliant!!
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by MetalThrashingMad
I don't know about you, but I deadlift because I strive to be the first human tree stump pulling machine |
Quote:
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Originally Posted by viewer_from_nihil
the song serial cocksucker changed my life
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
Are you going to snort cheap pharmaceutical drugs with your lizard as well?
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2008-06-10, 04:47
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,865
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
Made this up yesterday. Friend just about disowned me.
Q: What was Eric Clapton's sons' favorite band?
A: Fallout Boy!
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wow...INAPPROPRIATE!!!
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Sex is free if you don't mind spending most of your night in the bushes with both a balaclava and an overblown sense of entitlement.
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2008-06-10, 22:06
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
Q: What was Eric Clapton's sons' favorite band?
A: Fallout Boy!
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Hahahahaha
So wrong...
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-06-10, 22:58
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
Made this up yesterday. Friend just about disowned me.
Q: What was Eric Clapton's sons' favorite band?
A: Fallout Boy!
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Oh fuck, I had to wiki this to figure it out.... wow... |
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2008-06-10, 23:03
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Throbbing Member
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Californeeway
Posts: 7,909
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BAHAHAHA
__________________
Check my band out:
facebook.com/deadheadroses
deadheadroses.bandcamp.com
deadheadrosesmusic.com
i'm so bonery
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2008-06-11, 01:28
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Death to all but metal!
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Highway to the Danger Zone
Posts: 6,026
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
Made this up yesterday. Friend just about disowned me.
Q: What was Eric Clapton's sons' favorite band?
A: Fallout Boy!
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That's truly cruel, you rotten mean bastard
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Amadeus
"Ja mein little poodle, I will hang you by your nipples in my garage,
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2008-06-11, 01:28
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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Q: How are women like numbers?
A: If they are under 13 you do them in your head
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2008-06-11, 01:31
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Death to all but metal!
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Highway to the Danger Zone
Posts: 6,026
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by moe_blunts
INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
|
Oh my fucking dear god I can't remember the last time I lauhed as hard as when I read "Frank's" reviews of the chilis... TOOOO fucking funny 
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Amadeus
"Ja mein little poodle, I will hang you by your nipples in my garage,
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Last edited by MetalThrashingMad : 2008-06-11 at 01:53.
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2008-06-14, 07:44
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending a huge party. He doesn't remember how he got home from the party.
Fearful he made some horrible blunder he forces his eyes open and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing, all clean and pressed on a chair. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order and spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT.... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
* Broken Coffee Table $239.99
* Hot Breakfast $4.20
* Two Aspirins $.38
* Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-06-14, 18:08
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ComeOutYeBlackAndTans!
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Ger., North
Posts: 2,593
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by blitz906
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending a huge party. He doesn't remember how he got home from the party.
Fearful he made some horrible blunder he forces his eyes open and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing, all clean and pressed on a chair. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order and spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT.... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
* Broken Coffee Table $239.99
* Hot Breakfast $4.20
* Two Aspirins $.38
* Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!
|
Absolutey
__________________
C'est le chant des vieux arbres entonné pour toi,
Pour ces bois obscurs maintenant endormis.
R.I.P moe
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2008-06-14, 19:25
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Metalhead
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 94
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Haha thats great.
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2008-06-15, 15:48
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wigger/redneck/drunkard
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: austin tx
Posts: 2,234
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When asked how he would fix the economy, Barack Obama said he wasn't sure what he could do about it, but he was sure he could nigger rig it.
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2008-06-16, 06:16
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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huh? 
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-06-16, 06:19
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: terra firma
Posts: 6,940
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Good one James. My turn to contribute some laughs.
How do you know an Asian is robbing you?
When you wake up your computer is running at full performance, your homework is complete, your run is clean and he is still trying to back out your drive way.
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2008-06-16, 06:33
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Requiem
Good one James. My turn to contribute some laughs.
How do you know an Asian is robbing you?
When you wake up your computer is running at full performance, your homework is complete, your run is clean and he is still trying to back out your drive way.
|
You forgot one : "Your dog is in the oven"
lol
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-06-16, 07:06
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Drugged Unholy
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Philadelphia Area
Posts: 2,458
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it would have actually been funny if you'd just said "he's still trying to back out of your driveway". all the other shit was just overkill and ruined the punchline.
This one applies to a few weeks ago, but still funny....
Does anyone know any trappers for hire? I hear they're looking for trappers down in Washington D.C. because there's a beaver and a coon trying to get in the White House.
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by MetalThrashingMad
I don't know about you, but I deadlift because I strive to be the first human tree stump pulling machine |
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by viewer_from_nihil
the song serial cocksucker changed my life
|
Quote:
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Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
Are you going to snort cheap pharmaceutical drugs with your lizard as well?
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2008-06-16, 07:16
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by TruthDevoid
Does anyone know any trappers for hire? I hear they're looking for trappers down in Washington D.C. because there's a beaver and a coon trying to get in the White House.
|
Hahahaha
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-06-16, 07:34
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Pirate Lawd
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Hanger 18
Posts: 6,520
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by blitz906
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending a huge party. He doesn't remember how he got home from the party.
Fearful he made some horrible blunder he forces his eyes open and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing, all clean and pressed on a chair. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order and spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT.... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
* Broken Coffee Table $239.99
* Hot Breakfast $4.20
* Two Aspirins $.38
* Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!
|
Story of my life |
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2008-09-22, 06:41
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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An American guy walks into a Canadian bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, have you heard the latest Canadian joke?"
The bartender says, "Hey pal . . . . before you start, do you see those two lumberjacks fighting in the corner?
Do you see the big hockey players behind you?
Do you see that grizzly-bear hunter standing next to you at the bar, and the fisherman standing next to him?
Do you see me?
We're all Canadian.
Do you still want to tell your little joke to us all?"
The guy looks around at all of these big, brawny bruisers, who have now started to pay close attention to him.
"Okay," the guy says, "I'll tell it to you all real slowly."
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-09-22, 17:57
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Antwerp
Posts: 1,472
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Oh wait!
A blind guy walks into a Lesbo-bar ("Saturday Night Beaver", "Tits a Wonderful Life", "The Clam", "Inspect-her-Gadget", "Glad-she-ate-her", ... you get the idea) and yells "YO GUYS GUYS GUYS, CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, Y'ALL WANNA HEAR THE NEWEST BLONDE JOKE!?"
The bartendster goes: Sir, excuse me, but do you hear my voice? It is that of a blonde woman. Behind you we have 2 blondes playing pool, one of which is a body-buildster, and we have the blonde, Bulgarian champion of Woman's Wrestling right next to you.
Still want to tell your joke?"
The man replies:
"Nah forget it, I don't want to have to explain it over and over again."
OH AND GUYS GUYS GUYS, WHAT'S BROWN AND RHYMES WITH SNOOP?
DR. DRE!
__________________
So this Georgian Olympian runs into a bar
Aosoth - New album III out now on Agonia Recs
Epoch - bass, guitars, drums, MetaStasizing out asap
Asphixa - bass, demo out asap
Adustum - bass, guitars, full length out soon on XXXXXXXXXX recs
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by far_beyond_sane
Tetianblood? ... Well, 'Necrosemen' to you too. Twat.
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2008-09-22, 19:23
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Peterborough, UK
Posts: 111
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what do you call a double jointed epileptic in a wheelchair?
A TRANSFORMER!!
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by MetalThrashingMad
Weeks? Did you get fucked by a horse? Or a black guy?
Quote:
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Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
My mother's purple strap-on.
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2008-09-23, 00:46
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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haha!! ^^
What do you do when you see an epileptic taking a bath?
Throw your laundry in!
What's the ultimate doom for a leper?
An epileptic fit!
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-09-23, 02:35
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go, John.'
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard.'
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-09-23, 02:37
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by blitz906
Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go, John.'
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard.'
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ahaha holy shit thats great |
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2008-09-23, 02:40
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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It was April first when a young father went to the hospital to see his newly born son. Standing outside the glass partition, the nurse pointed to his baby son. The nurse smiled as she lifted the baby from its cot. She then strolled over to the table and bounced the baby's head on the timber. The father was horror-struck and his hands went up to the window. The nurse smiled at him and started to swing the baby by holding it by it's penis and scrotum. The father was pounding frantically at the glass partition by this time. The nurse let go of the baby and with a sickening thud the baby went careering into the wall. Blood and guts went everywhere. The father took a runing jump at the glass partition. The nurse picked up the baby and tore it's arms off as the father went hurtling through the glass. He was foaming at the mouth when he faced the nurse.
She said, "April fools! He was dead already!"
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2008-09-23, 21:57
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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^^ hahahahahahahah!!
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-09-24, 08:13
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Quantum.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,149
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If you throw it in a pond, which part of a wheelchair sinks the fastest?
The vegetable.
__________________
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal
"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan
"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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2008-09-24, 17:38
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Peterborough, UK
Posts: 111
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by blitz906
Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go, John.'
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard.'
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hahaha thats a great one
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by MetalThrashingMad
Weeks? Did you get fucked by a horse? Or a black guy?
Quote:
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Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
My mother's purple strap-on.
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2008-09-27, 12:34
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-09-27, 18:21
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 128
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^ I died laughing.
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by drawn&quartered
thank god its fake. Its fake, right? right guys???
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Timedragon
Quote:
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Originally Posted by PST 88
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Incidentally, one second after that pic loaded, a voice on my tv said "on the other side of that fence, is freedom." i found this little situation to be pretty damn funny. |
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2008-09-27, 18:34
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: terra firma
Posts: 6,940
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Mardraum
^ I died laughing. |
Did you? |
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2008-10-10, 14:14
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Noob lud
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Upstate New Yaawwk
Posts: 3,499
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RIP Mardraum
__________________
9/23
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Please excuse me for I currently have a terminal erection, and the only cure is midget-cunny.
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2008-10-10, 19:44
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Drugged Unholy
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Philadelphia Area
Posts: 2,458
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by The Execrator
RIP Mardraum
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hahaha
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by MetalThrashingMad
I don't know about you, but I deadlift because I strive to be the first human tree stump pulling machine |
Quote:
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Originally Posted by viewer_from_nihil
the song serial cocksucker changed my life
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
Are you going to snort cheap pharmaceutical drugs with your lizard as well?
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2008-10-10, 21:11
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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lol
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-10-10, 23:32
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 380
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You guys see that Virginia Tech game yesterday?
They were getting massacred
__________________
Im Better Than You At COD4
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2008-10-11, 19:08
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 128
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by The Execrator
RIP Mardraum
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Awww. Thanks guys, you shouldn't have...
I loved the VirTec joke, too.
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by drawn&quartered
thank god its fake. Its fake, right? right guys???
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Timedragon
Quote:
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Originally Posted by PST 88
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Incidentally, one second after that pic loaded, a voice on my tv said "on the other side of that fence, is freedom." i found this little situation to be pretty damn funny. |
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2008-11-04, 13:29
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the
bottom of the barrel. He studied 'Economics and Business-Administration' and soon began to climb the corporate ladder, and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight-school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new Lear-jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multi-millionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his upcoming birthday: A 37,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other, just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment for you.'
The fourth man replied:
'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son, and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 37,000 square foot mansion, a brand new Lear-jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!!
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2008-11-04, 15:57
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Vaginal Warts
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: I live in a giant bucket.
Posts: 2,289
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__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by PST 88
The bottom of that 'Don't Click' picture is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. 'No, I really DO have a vagina! It's right here!'
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Blackwater (Friend's Metal Band)
MY WEBSITE!
R.I.P Paddy. My dear and loving father will never be forgotten. |
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2008-11-04, 19:21
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by blitz906
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the
bottom of the barrel. He studied 'Economics and Business-Administration' and soon began to climb the corporate ladder, and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight-school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new Lear-jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multi-millionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his upcoming birthday: A 37,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other, just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment for you.'
The fourth man replied:
'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son, and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 37,000 square foot mansion, a brand new Lear-jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!!
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ahahahaha |
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2008-11-04, 20:27
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by JoeYngVai
that had a good punch-line.
What do 9/10 people enjoy?
A gangbang! |
Hahahaha!!
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2009-01-07, 02:39
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Die Young.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Hellifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Posts: 8,633
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A Canadian joke for Canadians..
Q: What has six boobs and four teeth?
A: Night shift at Tim Hortons.
SHAZAM!
__________________
Bitches, Hoes And Corn Rows.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by moe_blunts
you done told me lots of thangs bout beer n shit and canada. have a grand ol cunt of a good time.
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RIP moe. |
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2009-01-07, 09:21
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Antwerp
Posts: 1,472
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Q: what's the hardest part of rollerskating?
A: telling your parents you're gay
ZING POW!
__________________
So this Georgian Olympian runs into a bar
Aosoth - New album III out now on Agonia Recs
Epoch - bass, guitars, drums, MetaStasizing out asap
Asphixa - bass, demo out asap
Adustum - bass, guitars, full length out soon on XXXXXXXXXX recs
Quote:
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Originally Posted by far_beyond_sane
Tetianblood? ... Well, 'Necrosemen' to you too. Twat.
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2009-01-08, 00:15
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Haha good one BB!
This is one isn't Canadian, but it's one of my all time favourites:
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2009-04-06, 08:58
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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A Somalian arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street, and says "Thank you Mr.Canadian for letting me into this country, giving me nice housing, money for food, free medical-care, free education,nice unemployment-cheques, and no taxes".
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passerby and says "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada!"
The person says, "I not Canadian, I Vietnamese".
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for all this, wonderful Canadian man"!
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle-East, I am not Canadian"
He finally sees a nice lady, and asks, "Are you a Canadian?"
She says , "No, I am from Africa"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Well where are all the Canadians?"
The African lady checks her watch and says "Probably at work."
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2009-04-06, 15:55
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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Quote:
|
Originally Posted by blitz906
Haha good one BB!
This is one isn't Canadian, but it's one of my all time favourites:
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
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oh god I'm gonna remember that one |
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2009-04-06, 15:59
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Quantum.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,149
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by blitz906
A Somalian arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street, and says "Thank you Mr.Canadian for letting me into this country, giving me nice housing, money for food, free medical-care, free education,nice unemployment-cheques, and no taxes".
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passerby and says "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada!"
The person says, "I not Canadian, I Vietnamese".
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for all this, wonderful Canadian man"!
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle-East, I am not Canadian"
He finally sees a nice lady, and asks, "Are you a Canadian?"
She says , "No, I am from Africa"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Well where are all the Canadians?"
The African lady checks her watch and says "Probably at work."
|
Damn... feels like home.
__________________
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal
"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan
"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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2009-06-11, 13:36
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Alright Paddy, I'll continue with one
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch petting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he walks up to the Taff and says "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, boyo."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how are you today??"
Dog: "Very well, thanks.
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yes"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Very good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Um, I don't think the horse talks..."
Ventriloquist: "Hello horse, how are you?"
Horse: "I'm doing great"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yes"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Very well, he rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!"
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2009-06-11, 13:58
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,745
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Quote:
|
Originally Posted by blitz906
Alright Paddy, I'll continue with one
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch petting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he walks up to the Taff and says "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, boyo."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how are you today??"
Dog: "Very well, thanks.
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yes"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Very good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Um, I don't think the horse talks..."
Ventriloquist: "Hello horse, how are you?"
Horse: "I'm doing great"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yes"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Very well, he rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!" |
HAHAHA!
Reminds me of another joke:
What's the first thing you should do after raping a blind, deaf and dumb girl?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
I think I already blew my proverbial beans in this thread a couple of years ago haha, but no one's memory is that good, so here goes:
What's 14" long, is stiff, has a purple head with bulging veins and makes women scream?
Cot death.
How do you make a woman scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass then wipe it on the curtains.
What's blue and fucks grannies?
Hypothermia.
What has dozens of balls and screws old women?
Bingo.
What's the difference between an aborted foetus and sand?
You can't eat sand.
And one of my personal favourites:
How do you kill a dead baby?
Hit it really hard on the head with a brick. |
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2009-06-11, 14:11
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,745
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Ahhh fuck me, how could I forget this all-time great??
What's green and has 12 tits?
A bin-bag at a breast cancer clinic.
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2009-06-11, 14:11
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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What has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2009-06-11, 17:21
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Drugged Unholy
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Philadelphia Area
Posts: 2,458
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by L,B'XXX
What has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
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or a woman
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by MetalThrashingMad
I don't know about you, but I deadlift because I strive to be the first human tree stump pulling machine |
Quote:
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Originally Posted by viewer_from_nihil
the song serial cocksucker changed my life
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by BassBehemoth
Are you going to snort cheap pharmaceutical drugs with your lizard as well?
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2009-06-11, 18:12
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ComeOutYeBlackAndTans!
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Ger., North
Posts: 2,593
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by TruthDevoid
or a woman
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 You`re disgusting
__________________
C'est le chant des vieux arbres entonné pour toi,
Pour ces bois obscurs maintenant endormis.
R.I.P moe
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2009-06-11, 20:22
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,745
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by TruthDevoid
or a woman
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That's why that joke is genius - the first thing that pops into your head is a menstruating woman, but then you hear the punchline and your whole world is turned upside-down and inside-out and shaken all about.
What's better than fucking a five-year-old?
Nothing.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw 'em.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, red?
A nun falling down the stairs! HA! |
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2009-06-11, 21:14
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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I stole Paddy's joke.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2009-06-12, 00:22
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
HAHAHA!
Reminds me of another joke:
What's the first thing you should do after raping a blind, deaf and dumb girl?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
I think I already blew my proverbial beans in this thread a couple of years ago haha, but no one's memory is that good, so here goes:
What's 14" long, is stiff, has a purple head with bulging veins and makes women scream?
Cot death.
How do you make a woman scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass then wipe it on the curtains.
What's blue and fucks grannies?
Hypothermia.
What has dozens of balls and screws old women?
Bingo.
What's the difference between an aborted foetus and sand?
You can't eat sand.
And one of my personal favourites:
How do you kill a dead baby?
Hit it really hard on the head with a brick.
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Haha I've heard all of those before
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2009-06-26, 11:25
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Some more:
On my 70th birthday, I got a gift-certificate from my wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on the Native reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile-dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my certificate to the medicine man, and nervously awaited what would happen next.
The old man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the action of the medicine?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was very eager to see if it worked, so I went home, showered, shaved, fluffed up the three remaining hairs I have on my head, put on lots of cologne, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3 "
Immediately, the glory of my manhood expanded to fulfill both of our longings. My wife was so excited that she began ripping off her clothes. When almost fully disrobed, she asked......."Honey, what was the 1-2-3 for?"
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Kathy went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother, and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart-attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people, nearly 100 years old, should not be having sex, it would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no my dear, on the contrary" replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong".
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued . . . .
"He'd still be alive if that god damn ice-cream truck didn't come along.
A little Pakistani boy goes into the kitchen where his Mom is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour, and wipes it all over his face.
"Look, mom, I'm a white boy!"
His mom slaps him in the face, and says, "Go show your father".
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, " Look dad, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your Grandmother."
The boy goes in his Grandmother's room and says, "Look Granny, I'm a white boy".
His Grandmother slaps him in the face, and sends him back to his Mother.
His Mother says; "Now, did you learn anything from that son?"
The little boy replies, "I Sure did. I've only been white for five minutes, and I already hate you Paki bastards!"
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2009-06-27, 13:22
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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And another:
Murphy has broken his leg, and his mate Seamus goes around to see him.
Seamus says, 'How you doin'?'
Murphy says 'A little better, but do me a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'
Seamus goes upstairs and sees Murphy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
He says 'Your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you'.
They say 'Yeah fuckin' right... prove it!'
Seamus shouts downstairs 'Murphy, both of 'em?'
Murphy shouts back 'Of course both of 'em idiot, what's the point of fuckin' one?!?!'
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2009-06-27, 14:05
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ComeOutYeBlackAndTans!
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Ger., North
Posts: 2,593
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Nice one
__________________
C'est le chant des vieux arbres entonné pour toi,
Pour ces bois obscurs maintenant endormis.
R.I.P moe
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2009-06-29, 08:49
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Some years ago, Murphy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Murphy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Murphy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fookin' towel!'
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2009-07-04, 00:28
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Haha
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2009-08-28, 14:22
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Is that a bot? ^
__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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2009-08-28, 14:50
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by blitz906
Is that a bot? ^
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bot, no. advertiser, maybe |
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2009-08-28, 17:11
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,982
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I could certainly comment on the political discussion going on here, but what's more germane to the current discussion is for me to point out that this is not the thread for that. So let's keep it clean and on track, shall we?
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2010-12-09, 20:02
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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what does a woman and a condom have in common?
they both spend 99% of their time in your wallet
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2011-03-19, 09:44
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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How does one pull Japanese girls?
With a fishing rod
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2011-03-19, 10:22
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,745
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by drawn&quartered
How does one pull Japanese girls?
With a fishing rod
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With a Tamagotchi as bait!
How many Japanese does it take to stop a Tsunami?
No, seriously? |
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2011-03-19, 10:53
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Too _____, wouldn't fuck
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,542
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The Japanese are so advanced, they don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
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2011-03-19, 11:01
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,745
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2011-03-19, 11:17
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Okay.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 4,137
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
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__________________
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Paddy
Chances are there have been Irish in every corner of the world, no matter how remote. Our semen is listed in the World Health Organisation's Big Book of Pestilential Materials.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by CompelledToLacerate
God, the Japanese are so weird. This HAS to be the long term effects of the atom bombs. No one is that weird on purpose.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gomli
The slams in that song always kill me. First time I heard that song I was like "Too much heaviness - brain collapse" but now I could murder my family to that one
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