Not very sick or twisted... but what the hell.


How many Skinheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10... 1 to screw it in and 9 to watch his back.

How many skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and one to film it.

How many punks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2... 1 to screw it in and the other to kick the chair out from under him.

How do you get a Punk out of a bathtub? A: Turn on the water (Love that one)

What do you call an emo hitchhiker?
Stranded.

How do you know when a punk has been to your house?
He's still there.

What is 300 feet long and has no pubic hair?
The line outside a Blink 182 show.

Yes I know, I know... Most of these were fucking terrible. But I was bored

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Here is one I just thought of myself...


What do you call an all-women government?






A LIE!


I've told this one before...

Why doesn't Jesus like playing hockey?

He's always getting nailed into the boards.

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lmao fuckin' sweet man.

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How many metalheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in and the other to say "Duuuuuuuude, that's so metal!"

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You missed one. There has to be one saying that he could do it more perfectly and that the dude who screwed it in's an overrated poseur.

Incidentally, the punk one also needed somebody who said that screwing in lightbulbs was for poseurs since somebody had done it already and there wasn't any kind of statement in it.

LOL this is a great one, musicians jokes!

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Yeah man, musician jokes are awesome I'll work on finding some to post

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What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

Why didn't Superman save the twin towers?
He was in a wheelchair.

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I don't understand those jokes?

He's taking shots at Christopher Reeve because he was paralyzed in a horsing accident. He played Superman orginally.

LOL.

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lmao nice Here are some very mean ones...

What does an Ethiopian do with a bag of rice?
Open a resteraunt.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a dog?
A vegetarian.
With two dogs?
A rancher.
With three dogs?
A caterer.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a dime on his head?
A nail.

What's dark and has cobwebs?
An Ethiopian's asshole.

What do you call an Ethiopian chick with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.

What's the best thing about getting head from an Ethiopian chick?
She's guaranteed to swallow (Repost)

What’s black and runs through the desert at 100mph?
An Ethiopian with a McDonalds voucher.

Why do Ethiopians sleep with their thumb up their ass?
So nobody will steal their breakfast.

Did you hear about Evil Knievel's newest stunt?
He's going to ride through Ethiopia with a sandwich tied to his back.

How do you kill 50 flies in half a second?
Slap an Ethiopian across the face.

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Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

No, but really, why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's DEAD.

Why was Helen Keller masturbating with one hand?
So she could moan with the other.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
Well, wouldnt you if your name as HAWOOULGHGUUH?

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I heard a good one that made a majority of those listening not very happy...

it was some joke where it was speaking of hot chicks and something about a guy likes 29 years olds....

then the joke evolves to him hooking up with 20... 9 year olds.

I LOLed irl

ewwwwww LOLL

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That post hardly didn't make any senses.

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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters
sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

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Much like your sentence.

Congrats on duh.

brilliance.

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Very much and many thank you, I try my most hardest.

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Ahahahahah I've never heard that one, I cracked up when I heard it. For the dumbasses that didn't get it before, Christopher Reeve is not walking.

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Seems that the thread died again ...so I thought I'd revive it with a cheesy joke.

What do you call a man from India in a car accident?
Pindun Durjeep (Pinned Under Jeep)

Ha-Ha

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I always heard this one as:
How many metalheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because darkness rules!

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Ahhh that is so true.

lolz

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I would rather say: How many GOTHICS does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
None, because DARKNESS rule!

we, metalheads, prefer BRUTAL SHITZA

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MAN 1: Hey, you ever mix up and confuse things you say?
MAN 2: How so?
MAN 1: Well the other day I told my friend "That game sucking fucks" instead of Fucking Sucks!
MAN 2: Oh yeah, thats happened to me before, one time at dinner, I meant to ask my wife to pass me the salt, but instead i yelled at her "YOU BITCH YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!!!"

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LOLOLOL.

lulz

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haha

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At every bus stop, people get into the bus, looking for the first handhold they can find, to stop there or to move on without falling down when the bus starts. They don't care very much where they hold, even less if other people SEEM to be holding in the same place... but, but... what happens?? The handhold's moving! Argh I'm falling! And the handhold behind me! Oh, but, what's that? Isn't it a handhold? What is it, then? Fuck it's a stick! What the hell is doing a girl with stick here on the bus??? (Half bus laughing aloud... the story repeats the following bus stop).

that wasn't funny at all...

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lol

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'Cause you have never seen it

These are meant to be jokes... not something that you have seen.

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Oh... not even if done? Well, my sense of humor is not good enough to invent then...

Some random jokes...



A blonde had just bought a new Aston Martin DB7 sports car, and was out for a drive on the East Lancashire Motorway when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on th side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde to "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and started to cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, so you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a cricket bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has the smile on her face still.
Now he is getting really pissed off. He gets his knife back out and slashes all her tires. Now she's really laughing at him. The truck-driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on her car, and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she can hardly stand upright.
"WHAT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY!?!?!?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Ha-Ha. Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside of the the circle!"



An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.
One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."
"I know these things," replied the Indian.
They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."
"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.
"I know these things."
After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."
"How'd you know that!?"
"Ear wet."


What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a playground



The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news."

"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"

"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"

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Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

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A Pakistani arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street
and says, "Thank you Mr. Canada for letting me in this country,
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free
education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in Canada!"
The person says, "I not Canadian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Canada!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Somolia, I am
not Canadian!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you a Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?" The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

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haha, I've heard this one before but it was still equally as funny.

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A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."



A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?"
The little boy replies, "Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"


What's the best thing about fucking a two year old?
Your dick looks huge in the photographs!


A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.
A man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?"
The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff.
The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl's parents mangled n the rocks below.
The man turns round, unzips his fly and says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!"


A man goes into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter."
The pharmacist looks shocked and asks "Is your little girl sexually active?"
"Nah, she just lays there like her mother."


A sex researcher is interviewing men about what they do with their other hand when they masturbate. Three subjects are in the room.
He asks the first man, who replies: "I hold a porno mag."
The second says: "I hold a computer mouse to browse porn on the net."
The third says: "I hold a sponge."
The researcher, startled, says: "Why a sponge?"
"Well, I've got to use something to bathe the kids."



What's the best part about fucking a six-year-old girl?
When you're done, you can flip her over and pretend you're fucking a six-year-old boy!


A young girl goes to her father and says, "Dad, can I go to the prom?"
He leers at her and says, "Sure, but you have to suck my dick first."
The girl really wants to go to the prom, so reluctantly she pulls down his zipper and begins sucking. After a while, she looks up at him and says: "Dad, your dick tastes like shit!"
He says, "I know. Your brother wanted to go too!"


A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, "Daddy, what's that between your legs?"
"That's a Penis, honey."
"When am I going to get one of those?" she asked, innocently.
"As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall."


Why do pedophiles love Halloween?
Free delivery.

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haha, some of those jokes were tasteless man....

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haha wow.

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Would you expect anything less of me?

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I actually liked those ones.

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most were repeats bt the new ones were pretty good.

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This one was thought up by some friends of mine...

Once upon a time, there was a princess, who had been kidnapped by a dragon and locked in a tower.
The dragon killed all the young men who tried to save the princess from her miserable fate.
But lo! On the horizon appears a metal knight, bound for the tower.

Version 1: heavy metal
He arrives at the tower, does heroic combat to the dragon and slays it, after which he marries the princess.

Version 2: nu metal
The knight arrives in a huge pimpmobile! It drives towards the tower after which a nu metalist steps from the car. He raps some words against the dragon, leaving it unimpressed, after which it breathes fire. The nu metal singer's fur coat cathes fire and he dies a generally flamy and horrible death.

Version 3: grindcore
He arrives at the tower, grunts some incomprehensible lyrics, kills the dragon in the most extremely gory way and leaves.

Version 4: death metal
He arrives at the tower, kills the dragon, fucks the princess, then kills her too and leaves.

Version 5: black metal
He arrives at the tower, screams misery and misanthropy, kills the dragon, kills the princess, fucks the princess, burns her on a stake, fucks her again and leaves.

soon to be updated...

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Well your friends aren't very original or they are famous. Versions of that 'story' has been done several times.

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HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers, and bones the princess.

POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave...without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings, and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body, slashes her belly, and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass again, burns the corpse, and fucks it for the last time.

GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely indecipherable for about 30 seconds, and then leaves.

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon, and thinks he could never beat him. He gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragons eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows the flute and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell for all eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage".

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots, and a dozen elite warriors, and as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

That is an old joke, stated many times before.

remember, it even had its own thread, in which we all could create our own. "saving the princess metal style" by zionist.

I certainly remember. Got a good laugh at first. Now, every time a new genre of music comes out they modify the joke a bit and it gets very redundant.

Oh i know, i just thought i'd post the entire thing (as i know it) as it was mentioned.

Semi-related, those paedophile jokes are absolutely hilarious.

HAHAHAHA POOOON'D FAG!

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Whats orange, yellow, red, purple, brown, screaming and clapping?

a nigger at church

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!








Cheesy

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Made me chuckle.

What've Princess Dianna and Pink Floyd got in common?

Both their last hits were the wall.

Haha! And I thought I'd heard all the Diana jokes... That one almost takes the cake too

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What's pink and smells of holly?


Ian Huntley's cock.

Don't know who that is.

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Hmm. Guess you've got to be British to understand that one. I'll elaborate.

Ian Huntley murdered 2 10 year old girls a few years back, one was called Holly Wells. He was an admitted paedophile, sex offender and rapist.

this guy is walking down the street and he sees a sign "need piano player, pays good" so the guy walks in and talks to the owner and the owner says " let me hear you play and i will tell you if your good enough." so the guy sits down and plays a tune, and the owner is amazed when the man stopped playing the owner says" that was awesome ive never herd anybody play so well what do you call that song?" the guy responds " i call that one i fucked my cat while my dog was licking my nuts" the owner looked at him like he was crazy,"ok.. let me hear what else you got." so the man starts playing this jazzy tune and the owner is just amazed."that was beautiful what do you call that one?" the man says "i call that one i licked your mothers bloody tampon."
so the owner tells him that he can play just dont tell anybody the name of your songs. later that night the man had everybody hooked with his playing after about two hours he stands up and says "im going to take a shit" so he leaves after a good 30 minuets he returns while he was walking back a man stops him and tells him " do you know your fly is down and your dick is hanging out?" the guy replys " yeah.. i wrote that one.


hahahahah i got it off the aristocrats kinda lame

hahaha

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Whats the difference between jesus and a prostitute.

their facial expressions when they're gettin' nailed.

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Hahaha, and I thought that I'd heard ALL the Jesus jokes. Keep em comin'.

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i dont get it...

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really?

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"Nailing" someone (ex: I nailed her last night) is slang for fucked, or, had sex with.

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yeah i know what nailed means, but what the matter between jesus fucking and a prostitute and their face? i mean they do some kinds of weird faces?

sorry!

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The prostitue is getting nailed in the figurative sense, as in she's getting fucked. Jesus is literally getting nailed, as in he's getting nailed to a cross. One feels good, the other doesn't which makes one scream in pleasure, and the other in pain.

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ooooh LOLL sorry it was so obvious and i couldn't see it at all!! i suck!!

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No worries. Catching humour in your second language is a lot harder than it would normally be in your first.

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haha thats why im asking questions loll

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LOL

INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

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Haha, that chili thing was great! ^^^

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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

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What’s the worst thing about necrophilia?
Getting the maggots out of your teeth after eating pussy!

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My father just sent this to me. Before I read the last line I was thinking "Why would he send me this weird, cheesy story".

THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life t o her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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You're father must have a great sense of humor. That was good.

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A 40 year old man and a 10 year old boy are walking through the woods at night. The 10 year old boy looks up at the man and says: Say mister, im scared of being out here at night. The 40 year old man looks down and says: You're scared? I'm going to have to walk out of these woods alone!

haha, that was pretty good.

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Here's another one:

What do you call an abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech.

Ahaha, thats hilariously stupid.

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A little boy and his grandfather are fishing together when the grandfather lights up a cigarette.

grandson: "Hey, can I have one?"
grandfather: "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
grandson: "No."
grandfather: "Then you're not old enough."

The grandfather pulls out a beer.

grandson: "Hey, can I have one?"
grandfather: "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
grandson: "No."
grandfather: "Then you're not old enough."

The little boy pulls out a bag of candy.

grandfather: "Hey, can I have one?"
grandson: "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
grandfather: "Yes."
grandson: "Then go fuck yourself."

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lolol

maybe thats what happenned to your father LOL

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oh man was that awesome.

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haha

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What do you call a gay Irishman?

I'll let somebody else finish this one, it's one of the oldest jokes around. Somebody here must know it

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A gaylick? I could be wrong...

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you
mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my
tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha,
I can see she's naked! What's that?... wait a minute, that's my neighbor in
there with her. He's naked as well!... that bitch!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his
dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can
save you a grand ....."

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Pat on the back... har har har

That joke you posted was awesome Savior

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BWUAHAHAHA

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Very good punchline to that golf joke

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A husband leans over to his wife in a bar and says, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says. "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good, idea!" she says.

There's a man sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them behind the tavern. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the man has ever seen. This goes on for about 40 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The man is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. As the couple passes the man, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years, ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Hahahahaha, fucking awesome

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