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What do you do after having sex?

Cover her up and hand her her stuffed Care Bear.

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What would you call The Flintstones if they were black?


Niggers.

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What do you get when you light a baby on fire and throw him down a staircase?
An erection.

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Hahaha

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whats 18 inches long and makes your mother scream all night?
SIDS

whats blue and crawls?
a baby in a plastic bag

whats red and sits in the corner/what sits in front of a mirror and gets smaller
a baby shaving its head with a potato peeler

how do you get a baby out a blender
a straw

what do you get when you're killing babies?
a boner

whats yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?
a baby with slashed floaties

whats green and sits at the bottom of a pool?
same baby 2 weeks later

whats the best thing about a baby learning to crawl?
if they can crawl they can assume the position

whats the best thing about fucking an 8 yr old in the shower?
when her hairs wet she looks six

whats the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
putting the nappy back on

whats easier to get out the back of a truck - furniture or dead babies?
dead babies because you can use a pitchfork

whats the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
you dont come on an apple before you eat it

etc. ad infinitum.

lmao


A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."

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A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?"
The little boy replies, "Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"



A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.
A man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?"
The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff.
The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girl's parents mangled n the rocks below.
The man turns round, unzips his fly and says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day!"



What's black and bobs up and down in a baby's crib?
Michael Jacksons ass.

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hahaha oh this is great. MORE
p.s. i can't think of any right now..... :<

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Mohahaha!

What the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil was the first man to walk on the moon , Michael Jackson fucks kids.


A man walks into a doctor's and says, "I'd like to book an HIV test for my daughter."
"OK," the doctor replies, "can I ask how old she is?"
"She's eleven"
"OK, and is she sexually active?"
"Oh no, not at all. She just lies there and takes it like her mum."


What do you do to a deaf, dumb girl after you rape her?

Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

What did the crippled, deaf, blind boy get for Christmas?
Cancer!

What did Mike Tyson give his wife for Valentines day?
A head start!

What's the difference between my bathroom and the trunk of my car?
I don't have a dead hooker in my bathroom!

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Two friends went camping in the mountains and had spent four days together,but they were beginning to tire of each other's company and getting a little testy toward each other. On the fifth morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I think the separation could help. I'll hike north and spend the day exploring, you hike south and spend the day exploring. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire!". The second friend readily agreed and hiked off to the south after breakfast. The first man hiked north.

That night over dinner beside the campfire, the first man related his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat in the afternoon sun to dry, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?", he asks.

The second friend replied, "Pretty good. I went south and discovered some old railroad tracks. I followed them a ways until I quite unexpectedly came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! So, of course, I immediately cut her ropes off, gently lifted her from the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I returned to camp!".

"Wow!!!", the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?".

"Nah!", says the second friend dejectedly over his meal, "I couldn't find her head!"

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The old joke thread had a tonne of supreme quality morbid jokes.

Here's some more crappy jokes:

Q: How long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
A: How the fuck should I know? I was too busy masturbating.



Q: How do you get 1000 babies in a phone box?
A: Use a liquidiser.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: Nachos.

Sorry man, but that's shit lol...the original was supposed to be :

How do you get 100 Mexicans into a car? With a blender.
How do you get them out? Doritos!

A similar joke...

How do you get 100 Jews into a car? Throw a quarter in.
How do you get them out? Tell them it's a Volkswagen

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Hey here's some old shit that I heard.
Q: How can you tell the difference between a firefighter and a pyromaniac?
A: When there's a big fire the firefighter isn't masturbating.

How do you make a dead baby float?


Take your foot of its head.





Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babys?


I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

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Dead baby jokes are old.

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Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!

Why did the baby cross the road?
Because it was chained to a bumper...

How do you make a kid cry even more after molesting it?
You wipe your bloody dick with the kids favourite stuff animal.

Whats the best thing about fucking 21-year olds?
THERES TWENTY OF THEM!

Whats red, covered in pus and screaming?
A skinless baby in a bag of salt.

- Hey Jack, could you coach the cheerleading squad this thursday?
- Is there any chance I'd get laid?
- Jack?! Theyr'e TWELVE years old!
- So is that a yes or..?

This guy is getting down on his girl who has a period. Someone knocks on the door, and the guy who is all bloody in the face goes to open it:
- Holy shit what have you done to your face!?
- I ran into a fucking door...
- Well must've been the toilet-door because you have shit on your chin...

Two guys are sitting in a pool when some semen reaches the surface:
- Are you jacking off!?
- NO! I farted...

What do you do with a deaf-mute girl who you just raped?
You break her fingers so she can't tell.

A homo who has just lost his significant other is at the hospital:
- Could I like, make minced meat sauce of of him?
- No, why would you do that?
- I just want to feel him come out of my ass for the last time...

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why did the dead baby fall out of the tree?
it was dead
Why did the second dead baby fall out of the tree?
it was stapled to the first
Why did the third dead baby fall out of the tree
peer pressure

how many ethiopians does it take to shingle a roof
depends on how thinly you slice them

whats the best thing about getting head from an ethiopian chick
you know she'll swallow

whats pink, red, shiny, and runs into walls
a baby with forks in its eyes

how many babies does it take to paint a house
depends how hard you throw them

how many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2: one to screw in the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick

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What do you call a nigger priest
Holy shit.


What do Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder have in common?
They're both niggers.
Why can't Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder read?

They're both niggers.


In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
AHAHAHAAHAHA OSHIT.
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

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Yeah man, most dead baby jokes are so old and aren't even creative, here are some more Jew jokes...

What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
Pizza's don't scream in the oven.

Why did Hitler really commit suicide?
He saw the gas bill.

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Why did the rooster cross the road?

He was late for his cock fight.

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Man and woman walk into an elevator.

Man says, "can I smell your feet?"

Woman says, "heavens no!"

Man says, "well, it must be your pussy then."


Oh snap

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Hahaha!!

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What happens when a Jewish kid with an erection runs into a wall?


His nose breaks

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What's the biggest turn off when having sex with a 5 year old girl?
Hearing the pelvis crack.

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whats the difference between a priest and acne?

acne comes on your face AFTER you're 12.

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In this world, there are very horny kids who practice the art of autoerotic asphyxiation (sp?), a good amount of them failing to do it properly and end up killing themselves. What good use can be made from their bodies?


.... HORSESHOES!

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why don't people eat black jellybeans?




Everybody hates the niggers!

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Erm... I don't get it, that sucks man

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Michael Jackson's writing a new book called "The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing"....

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...and incredibly lame. Here's a good one, though.

Why did the nigger cross the road?
To get to the other side!

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whats the difference between a jew and a canoe?


every so often a canoe tips.

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Autoerotic asphyxiation (I'm spelling it wrong, sorry) is where you cut off your air supply right before you orgasm. So the guy doing it would most likely have an erection, and it's known that an erection can last hours after death. Didn't you watch Clerks?

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How do you save a nigger from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

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A priest and a rabbi are walking down a street when they see a little boy.

The priest says, "Let's fuck him!"
Rabbi goes, "Out of what?"

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Nah-uh.
What's the most satisfying part of fucking a 3 year old?
Hearing the pelvis crack.

What do you get when a 5 year old climbs over a fence?
An erection

How do you make a baby cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock in it's teddy

What's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage?
You don't eat a train carriage

What's black, bloody and slides up a woman's leg?
A home-sick abortion

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A man walked up to a horse and asked, why the long face?

My god have we stepped back in time?? Jokes about dead babies and Ethiopians they were doing the rounds when I was a school kid(and we all know how long ago that was) Doesn't anybody know any 'new' 'funny' ones?

If this carries on I'll be forced to dig out the mother-in-law gags or the 'Your mum's so fat...'


A man runs an affluent restaurant in a posh, well to do area. One day a tramp staggers in. The owner runs over to him and orders him out the premises. "This is a respectable establishment, we don't want your kind in here"
"Could I just have a fork please sir? Then I'll be on my way"
Anything to get rid of him he gives him a fork, the tramp duly leaves.
Five minutes later another tramp wonders in, again the owner runs over to shoo him out the building.
"Could I just have a fork please sir? Then I'll be on my way"
Anything to get rid of him he gives him a fork, the tramp duly leaves.
Another five minutes elapses and another tramp appears through the door. The owner runs over to him and orders him out the premises. "This is a respectable establishment, we don't want your kind in here"
"Could I just have a fork please sir? Then I'll be on my way"
He gives him a fork and the tramp exits the diner.
Five more minutes passes and yet another tramp enters.
"Don't tell me" says the proprietor "you want a fork"
"No" replies the tramp,” I’d like a straw please"
"A straw? But why? All the others asked for a fork?"
"Yes well" said the tramp "That's because someone’s been sick outside and all the best lumpy bits have gone"

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Well to be blunt and honest, I'm quite dissapointed...alot of these jokes are just downright fucking lame oh well...maybe we'll get somebody who is truly disgusting posting in here soon in the meantime heres a stupid joke...

What's the difference between a bass and a wife?
You can slap your bass all you want, but it still won't make you dinner

~Cheers

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Groan
Let me blow the dust off these relics....

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
You only need to punch the information into a computer once.

What's the difference between a woman and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of it's own.

Why didn't Myra Hindley like going for picnics on the moors?
The kids got under her feet.

Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the mess snails make?

What do you do if you find a woman in your living room?
Shorten the chain that attaches her to the kitchen sink.

What do you call the bit of skin around a vagina?
A woman.

What's the definition of a vagina?
It's a box your penis comes in.



You can tell I'm a modern 21st century guy

What's blue and fucks old ladies?
Hypothermia

I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me.

Are these old enough and shite enough?

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Michel Houllebecq baby.

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The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

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Fuck, I have all of those symptoms all the time. I'm dead.

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What do you do if a bird shits on your windshield?

Don't take her out again!


What's green, has a thousand legs and an IQ 0f 10?
A St Patrick's day parade.

Now that one is real ancient and arse

Jesus walks into a hotel and put's four nails on the reception counter, he asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

I have even crapper, do you wish me to continue?

What's the difference between Londerners and Smarties?
Smarties don't go bang in the tube!
(for those that need help it's reference to the London bombings on July 7th 2005)

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Ok, but what the fuck are Smarties?

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M&M's but better.

Americans should be shot.


Candy-covered chocolates which originally came in a tube casing.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4276553.stm


There's even a ps2 game! Lol.

YES, YES, YES!

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Ok you asked for it, now these are positively prehistoric and very crap!

What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.

Why doesn't Ronald Reagan play badminton?
He can't keep the shuttle up.(obviously he wasn't dead back then)

How do they know the shuttle crew had dandruff?
They found their head and shoulders in the sea.

Rose West may win her appeal for murder, turns out Fred West got his top soil from Lockerby.

What's white and skims across water at 200mph?
Lord Mountbatten’s trainers.

What's the difference between a bucket of sand and a bucket of afterbirth?
You can't gargle a bucket of sand.

Whats the best thing about fucking twentyeight year olds?
There's twenty of them.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a lesbian from Pakistan?
Mingeater

What do you call a police grass from Pakistan?
Wassim

Why does it take 10 women with PMT to change a light bulb?
IT JUST FUCKING DOES OK!!!!!!!

Why was the supermodel staring at the orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate' on the carton.

What's got four legs and goes woof?
Piper Alpha (for you Americans:it was an oil rig that blew up)

What's Freddie Mercury's boyfriend getting for christmas this year?
A smaller turkey.

What was John Lennon's last hit?
The pavement.

How many Beatles can you get in a small car?
Four, one in the front, one in the back and two in the ashtray.

For fans of Paul Gad......
.....This Christmas the Vietnamese people aren't going to put up decorations, they're just going to hang Glitter.

Gary Glitter got a 4 month sentence, he was out after 2 months, that suited him as he likes half terms!

That's enough now

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What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls.

What's the difference between 3 dollars and Princess Di?
It's easier to scrape 3 dollars together.

Did you know that Diana had Blue eyes?
...One blew out the left window and the other out the right window.

What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
A Mercedes can easily reach 40.

What's the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans?
The East Germans survived the wall.

What was the last thing that went through her head right before the accident?
The clutch.

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Hahahahah!!! Nice!

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Non-Americans should have to pay a tax just for living in a lesser civilization.

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Yep, Dahmer's Fridge told a dandy there!

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I second that

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Here's another old one.

What's grey and smells like curry?

John Major's dick.

An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.
One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."
"I know these things," replied the Indian.
They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."
"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.
"I know these things."
After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."
"How'd you know that!?"
"Ear wet."

(No really offensive Indian jokes please, my gf is native...she made me type that lol)

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Why do German shower nozzles have eleven holes in the head?
Jews only have ten fingers.

Did you hear about the new German engineered microwave?
It seats 12


Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.
St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.
Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fucking wooden one!"

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Love that last one.

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Me too. I was like ok where is this going.. then it definitely made up for it. A good read. haha

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What's the difference between a bench and a native Indian ?

One can support a family, one can't.



What do you call a Sasquatch?

Proof that Indians fucked bears.



What do you call an Indian riding a bike?

A Theif.



What do you call two Indians riding a bike?

Organized Crime.



How do you confuse an Indian?

Hide his welfare check in his workboots



How do you get a one armed Indian out of a tree?

Pass him a beer



What do you call an Indian artefact?

An empty beer bottle on the side of the road



What do you call a rare Indian artefact?

A full bottle of beer on the side of the road



What's the fastest thing on a Indian reserve?

A beer truck


What's the second fasted thing on a Indian reserve?

A mob of Indians chasing it.


What do you call an Indian without a casino?

A Mexican.




You asked for it.

I spose I did ask for it lol... And how the hell do you know all those stereotypes anyways? you're all the way in Australia.

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Apart for the last one, just substitute Abo with Indian.

I'm surprised I haven't heard a joke yet about abos trading children as sex slaves for petrol to huff

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lmao... I wouldn't know though, can't say I have met one. The natives here aren't as bad as people say they are. When people bash them, they are just talking about the ones that actually are shits, there are plenty of productive, friendly, average Native Canadian & Native American citizens. There are just as many white shitheads as there are native shitheads, same goes for any race, you can't really generalize any nationality or race as "bad"...as there are good and bad of all people. (Not to mention that some native chicks are damn hot, like my gf lol) But I just happen to like dark features, each to his/her own. ANYWAYS...back to the jokes, I don't want to get off topic and start a big debate.

~Cheers

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Both of you are right. I substituted native indians for most Abo jokes around here. But the stereotype works kinda the same, and the basic history too (White invading, fucking people over with alcohol, future not completely assimilated, etc. etc.).

What do you call three abo's going off a cliff in a Nissan Patrol?

A waste, Patrol's can seat 8.

(old, old, old)

lol...I've never heard that one even though it's old... I am almost 20 though so I haven't been around all that long.

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You know it will come to that one day

Thats pretty funny, right guys?

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haha, thats great.lol, Those are mostly mexican jokes in the states.

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Yeah, almost all of those are Mexican or nigger jokes.

If I ever get another girlfriend this'll be my romatic poetic gesture.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

There are 5 animals one can find on the female body, all below the waist: she has 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass and 1 fish which nobody can seem to find.

A guy goes up to a girl and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

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This deserved it's own post...

Aw Shit...


Ghost Shit
That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

Clean Shit
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Second Wave Shit
It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to shit some more.

Brain Hemorrage Shit
Also known as "Pop a vein in your forehead " shit. the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

Sweetcorn shit
Self Explanatory

Log shit
The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush

Drinkers shit
That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking - its most noticeable trait is the skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet .

"Gee I wish I could shit" shit
Its the kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet with cramps and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit
That's the one where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Shit Also known as "The Power dump"
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

Liquid Shit
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, spashes all over the inside of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

Mexican Food Shit
A class all its own

The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone.

Mood Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, allowing you to be your old self again.

The Ritual
This shit occurs at the same time time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper

Guiness Book of Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations

The aftershock shit
This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is effected.

The Honeymoons over shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

Groaner
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance

Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushes

Ranger
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper

Phantom Shit
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit putting it there

Peek-a-boo-shit
Now you see it, now you don't. this shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control

The bombshell
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during love making or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

Snake Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil into a frightening position - usually harmless Olympic Shit This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinkers shit.

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You could add the 'Pace Car Shit' - That dry stubborn one that takes forever to crimp off and when it does drop into the bowl all the rest go racing past after it in a matter of seconds.

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What do you do with a Jewish Nigger?
Put him in the back of the oven.

breaking out the oldie mouldies... never thought it would come to this

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."







Why do blondes wear panties??
to keep their ankles warm....

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this is sort of messed up but my friends loved this poem

THE PRIEST BY HAMMERSMASHEDFACE


there once was a priest
who wasnt straight in the least
after the mass
he fucked the bishop in the ass
like a hungry beast

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Well these are barely morbid or brutal so whatever, lets just think of it as the 'Distasteful Jokes Threat' from here on...

One day, a husband surprised his wife by grabbing her butt and saying, "if you firm this up, we can get rid of your gurdle". The wife thought this was childish and said nothing. The next day he woke her up by grabbing her breasts and saying, "if you firm these up we can get rid of your bras". That pissed her off, so she reached down, grabbed his penis, and said, "if you firm this up, we can get rid of the dog!"



The owner of a drug store walks in to find a man leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the new clerk: "What's wrong with the guy over there by the wall?" The new clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. We were all out of cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative" The owner, wide-eyed and angered shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The new clerk responds: "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

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Aww shit the thread died. It was fun too lol

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Yeah, fuck you all for letting this die. It's Doctor Joke Monday.

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A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The same thing happens next week and the week after. The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy, because he's really good at what he does. He calls him in his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?" "No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then she begs me to fuck her up the arse." "You fuck your sister up the arse?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

******

A guy walks into the doctors and says "Doctor, I've got a p-p-p-p-p-p-problem my w-w-ife's going t-t-to d-d-d-divorce me because of m-m-my s-s-s-stutter. C-c-c-can you h-h-help?"
The doc says "In my experience, most speech impediments are caused by a physical problem, so get behind the screen and remove your clothing for an examination."
The guy whips his gear off and the doc walks in and exclaims "My god, I can see your problem immediately! Your cock is so big, its pulling the skin tight all the way up your torso to your neck! Its affecting your vocal chords!"
The guy says " W-w-what can you d-d-do to s-s-save m-m-my m-marriage then d-d-doc?"
"Easy," says the doctor. "We'll give you an anaesthetic, find a donor with a smaller cock and give you a transplant."
A few weeks later the guy returns to the doctors and says "Doctor, this is fantastic I can talk properly for the first time and it's wonderful, I owe it all to you, but I still have a problem. My wife still wants a divorce as now I can't satisfy her... could you put the old one back on?"
The doctor turns in his chair, looks the guy straight in the eye and says "F-f-f-f-f-fuck o-o-o-off!!!"

******

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "No problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a four-pack, but cut each one into eight for me."
The pharmacist said, "An eight won't do you any good. You need a whole table."
The elderly gentleman said, "Son, I'm 87. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."

******

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.
"Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.
"Iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this sweater!"

******

"Doctor, every time I have sex, my eyes burn like you wouldn't believe!"
"Well, that's mace for you."

******

A woman with 3 vaginas goes to the doctors about her embarrassing problem to ask for some help.
The doctor takes a look down below and asks her to jump up on the table.
She spreads her legs apart and the doctor proceeds to sew up two of the holes leaving the middle one open.
The woman asks "Am I cured?" and the doctor replies "No, but it'll stop you getting fucked left right and center."

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Hahahahaha, those were great man! Especially the first four. Thanks!

~Cheers

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A leper walked into a bar and sat down.The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know my disease is gross, but I do have feelings and you could be a little more sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

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Why do black people have white hands?

Everyone has a little good in them.

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lmao

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Mixed bag today.

***

There once was a lady from Crew
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
"If they pay to get in,
"Then they'll pay to get out of it, too."

***

An Australian, an African and an Englishman are sitting in a restaurant, waiting for their food. They're looking around the place and spot a man sitting by himself drinking water in the corner. After a few minutes they recognise him as Jesus Christ himself. They agree that he's a great bloke and all chip in to buy Jesus some food. The waiter goes over to Jesus, explains the gesture and gets the food in for him, which Jesus enjoys whole-heartedly.

After the meal, he walks over to see the 3 generous men. He first of all thanks them all, and shakes the hand of the Englishman. The Englishman gets the shivers, feels all tingly etc then says;
"Hang about, I've had chronic arthritis in this wrist for 20 years, you've just cured it, it's a miracle!"
Jesus smiles, then shakes the hand of the African.
"Bloomin 'eck, you've cured my back! I've had problems with that for nearly 30 years, thank you Jesus!"
Jesus smiles, then turns to the Australian, who looks terrified, turns and runs away knocking over tables and chairs screaming "Don't fuckin' touch me!". They all ask what's wrong, to which the Australian shouts,
"I'm not losing my Disability Pension for no cunt!"

***

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
His wife is dead.

***

A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons.

A man asks her: "Are they twins?"

Puzzled, the woman replies: "What a stupid fucking question. This one is 3, and the other one is 16. Why do you ask?"

The man replies: "No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice!"

***

Q: What is red and orange and looks good on Queenslanders?
A: Fire.

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What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
"Hey, go easy on the sweets, I'm not made of money!"

***

What is the hardest thing about roller-blading?
Telling your parents you're gay.

***

What sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss?
A dialysis machine.

***

What animal has a cunt in the middle of its back?
A police horse.

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wow... some of those were really bad.

some were ok too.

You're from Queensland, aren't you?

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A down’s syndrome boy goes to the ice cream van and asks for an ice cream. The van driver says "What flavour would you like"?
The down’s syndrome boy replies "It doesn’t matter... I’ll drop it anyways".


What do a retard and a slinky have in common?
Both are completely useless, but still fun to watch fall down the stairs.


Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she could moan with the other.


A man went into a barber shop to get a haircut and the barber found some curly red haird in his beard. The man said "Ah, that figures. Every morning I kiss my wife on the head before I go to work." The barber started to laugh and said "That doesn't explain why you have shit all over your tie."

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did you guys here about the jew, that got a boner and ran into the wall?



........yeah he broke his nose.

Yeah... I have heard that one, about 44 times actually

Good try though, and I still thank you for contributing to this thread. And thanks to everybody who brought it back to life!

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these are old and i havnt read the whole thread, so forgive me:

how do you fit 20 jews into a vw beetle?
put them in the ashtray.

whats the difference between a field of dead jews and a field of dead onions?
the onions make u cry.

how long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
-->i don't know
neither do i, i was to busy masturbating.

what did the blind girl get for christmas?
cancer.

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oh yeah.
almost forgot

How can you tell if your dad is gay?
his dick tastes like shit.

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Nice... Thanks for contributing man!

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A Russian, American, and Mexican were all sitting by a lake. The Russian slings a whole gallon of vodka into the water and the other guys exclaimed "why would you do that"? The Russian replied, "In my country we have lots and lots of vodka". So after awhile the Mexican throws his whole case of Corona into the water. The other guys exclaimed "Why would you do that"? The Mexican replies, "In my country we have lots and lots of Corona". Then after another short period the American grabs the Mexican and throws him in. The Russian exclaimed "Why would you do that"? The American replies, "In my country we have lots and lots of Mexicans".



---
Grab 4 pennies

Lay one down face first.
What president do you see?

Lay another down beside it.
What type of metal do you see?

Lay another down beside the last.
What type of snake do you see?

Lay another down beside it.
What type of pussy do you see?



Answers:
1. Lincoln
2. Copper
3. Copperhead
4. You won't for 4 cents.

--

A guy was riding down the road, and he really wanted to run over a nigger. Well while riding down the road to fulfill his dream he saw his preacher with a gas can walking down the road because he had run out of gas. Well he picks his preacher up, but knows now he must make a plan to hit the nigger while his preacher is with him, he knows the man is a person of faith and would never allow or forgive him if he took another persons life no matter what color. Well he comes up with a scheme to act like he has went to sleep at the wheel and take one out. Well after driving a few miles he saw one in the horizon. So he slowly begins acting like his falling asleep and right time he gets up on the guy he closes his eyes and swerves over, all he hears is BAM!! All of a sudden he acts like he's wokin up and goes did i hit him did i hit him?!?! The preacher replies no but you got close enough so i could hit him with this gas can.

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Why did the pianist get thrown into jail?
He fingered A minor.

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LMAO that was great man! I'm surprised I haven't heard that one yet. Thank you for contributing Gejuich

Here are some more to keep you all entertained...

What's the difference between a Jew and a bar of soap?
The bar of soap doesn't die after 45 seconds in the shower.

A Rabbi addresses a group of Jews in a Nazi concentration camp. The Rabbi says "My fellow Jews, I have some good news and some bad news: The good news is, we are all going to England... but the bad news is we are all going as lampshades!"

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What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Go pick on someone your own size.

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What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You don't jump on a trampoline with cleats on.

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