ready to take on my life and maintain
try to get rid of this developed shame
holding on with hands held bare
with nothing to share

rising up
biting the bullet
when its shot
holding on
to a life
let it rot

i smoke another cigarette and dread
another tomorrow in my bed
how can i come to rise
when i feel i must hide

rising up
biting the bullet
when its shot
holding on
to a life
let it rot


unbearable task i take
undeveloped life that must wake
a good dream gone array
a nightmare i must face or die

rising up
biting the bullet
when its shot
holding on
to a life
let it rot

i feel the tingle in my skin
the night fresh and weary
the cold chill of a winters night
seems to be upon me

rising up
biting the bullet
when its shot
holding on
to a life
let it rot

i take a deep breath
of cancers death
and begin to realize
I've woken up
i can see
all this shit that has tookin hold of me

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There are some problems with the meter, with some lines arbitrarily a foot or two short. These should be pretty easy to fix, and in fact some of the more awkward lines ('how can I come to rise') can be improved in this way (e.g. ' how can I force myself to rise'). And, of course, it's 'taken hold' or 'took hold,' but not both.

Formal matters aside, the way the premise seems to be from the first few lines is more interesting, to this reader, than what it ends up being. I don't really have any advice about this.

I agree, it kind of progressively dissolves. I like the style it begins with. You're onto something though.

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I just felt that this was really bad, the wording, the rhyme etc. nothing really appealed.

The first thing I'd do is switch the first 2 lines around. The first line made me sigh in a "here we go again" kind of way. Putting the shame and it's emotion first gets me into the tone that's set then telling what might be the result of it sounds better to me than the other way around. Just my thoughts, of course.

Another option might be to take the "i feel the tingle in my skin" and swap the whole verse with the whole first verse as it is now. It gets the senses going immediately.

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