Cast from Heaven
it was your choice
released from control
of a heavenly voice

defy the hand that feeds you
the same hand misleads you

you loved your creator
more than he loved you
what was this loyal creation to do?

banished from home
no way to return
a new home awaits
where the floors burn

your wings are now an anchor
into the firey depths of hell
to live beneath your saviour
at the bottom of the wishing well

love turned to hate
seek revenge
before it's too late

as a traitor your remain
love and hate for your creator
can make you insane

brothers sending cries of war
lucid dreams fade away
descending upon inferno's floor
brothers seek their prey
approaching towards destiny's door
brothers are here to slay

remnants of a golden past
shrouded in hatred's mask

now arise to avenge
you are your own master
he released your strings
that deceiving bastard

Pretty good. I've always thought the whole Lucifer falling from heaven myth makes good drama. (Though people who take that shit literally have a serious problem with the concept of reality.)
Anyway, there isn't much to critique. The only thing I might suggest is that you try and make things a little less obvious, if that makes any sense. In other words, I read through your piece and I know exactly what you are saying in each line. Why not add some mystery to it? Add some lines that will make the reader stop and wonder just what it is you are trying to say.
And that's my 2 cents.
Oh and get rid of the line:
"a new home awaits
where the floors burn"
That kind of sucks.
Other than that, good job.

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I got hung up on meter when it stopped. GOOD HEAVENS!!
I;d ditch the word "wishing" since you have the word well there and it can relay back to the anchor before it showing depth. And "wishing well" sounds too cutesy for this piece. And try reading the latter part without the word "brother" in each of those lines. If you like it in there that's cool because it's your piece, but there's nothing that tells there's more than one there and all of a sudden there's brother. Maybe a verse somewhere at the beginning or a line that says something about there being more there?

And I couldn't help wondering if you posted this because of what I posted? I see some parellels. This was pretty cool. Some I could gripe about as far as messge, but for what it is it's a good effort.

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That makes complete sense to me, and I think once I get that down then it will take writing to a different level for me.


Yeah, I was iffy on that line, but whenever I write something I find it hard to take away what I write because i'm always like "What if others like it?" but that's exactly why I like to post stuff here and share.

your wings are now an anchor
into the firey depths of hell
to live beneath your saviour
at the bottom of the well

?

I think it helps the flow more, but I do like the idea of it being a wishing well, although I do see your point about it being too cutesy.

Well when it's talking about brothers I was trying to describe an attack from the heavens where it's Lucifer fighting the angels that still followed his master.


That post reminded me of this a lot, and I thought I might share.

Something for you to remember is to avoid clichés. Here are some examples of clichés - light as a feather, hard as stone, back in the saddle, all hell is breaking loose, keep your chin up, or in this case - 'into the fiery depths of hell'.
Here is an entire website devoted just to clichés -

http://clichesite.com/alpha_list.asp?which=lett+11

(I found it entertaining.)

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is you want to avoid saying anything that has been said before, especially something that has been said so many times that it's a cliché.
In the case of your work here, I think you are worrying too much about rhyming. Learning how to rhyme is a skill and it takes practice. The key is to develop your vocabulary.
However, you can't take short cuts. You need to learn new words and make them a part of how you think and speak. In other words, you need to read and read a lot.
When I was in high school and I wrote a poem I'd cheat. I'd write a crappy poem. I'd reread and I'd see that it sounded immature. So, I'd pull out a Thesaurus and plug in new words. This might work for a line or two, but if you don't understand the fancy words, it's going to be a mess.

I'll give you an example. First a bad, immature poem, followed by a Thesaurus cut and paste, followed by (hopefully) a decent version of the poem.

1.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I gave you The Clap
It was the least I could do.

2.
Prickly-stemmed,
pinnate-leaved,
showy-flowered shrubs of the genus
Rosa.
reddish-blue color
at the opposite end of the visible spectrum from red.
This venereal disease was produced by me
It is my bounty for your vagina.

3.
A pleasant embrace of forbidden lovers.
This carpet of scarlet
ringed with petals of orchids.
I stroke your ear with
bitter, honey-flavored whispers.
'The pox of my loins
infests you.
Hurry now,
Sister,
the bells toll your vespers"

Maybe this helps, maybe it doesn't. Your ideas are good and you have some skill, but you need to develop more. This is something that will come over time. Just be patient, work hard and rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.
This is the one thing I want to tell you that I hope you will take with you - the first draft is just the beginning. There isn't a serious artist (of any type) who creates their work in one sitting and doesn't go back and fix it. (And anyone who claims differently is either lying or is a corporate product and their opinion doesn't matter for shit anyway.)
Never worry about what people are going to like or dislike when they read your work. In reality, their opinion doesn't matter. Especially, when it comes to a first draft. What matters is what you think. And, hopefully, what you think is that you want to be the best you can be. If you want to be a good writer you have to have higher standards. You need to have a desire to be the greatest and not give a fuck what other people tell you. Be your own worst critic.
And that's my two cents.

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What if you took the couplet after you introduced the brothers and put that prior to that stanza with an additional line that brought them into it? I know what you're getting at, but it just seems like it jumps from one to many without transition. Maybe it's because I'm reading them instead of hearing it sung. There might be enough of a division musically there where it wouldn't matter.

And whatever I give you as ideas they're up for grabs or throw them out. It's your piece and I understand that. If you like wishing well and it works for you then use it.

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Thanks to both of you.

Especially Ludd, I always knew what made something too cliche but having it put into words and systematically put like that puts it into perspective really well.

I'm definatly taking it to heart next time I write, thanks.