I made a slew of lyric bunches, here is one from my Thunderlot album.

Calm



I can't wait until I am past this stage
It is so fruitless in many ways
only one route to success,
that is clouded by the remnants of my concerns
trashed melodies climbing in my brain

colored equinox of my soul
spinning the inside far from whole
lines from each instance
the tiny spots I can't rub off my clothes

supertranscendant from oneself
enough to become a dreamer of a dreamer
not stuck in the clouds, walking on them
looking down at the mess that is life

there are 7 days in every week
seven ways I count my fate
24 hours to exasturbate
eliminate

When I confront my demons,
there will be temptation to return
and I shall never return
this time the circle will break

punishments await me
-for all of the mistakes I made
bereavement
-for many who knew me outside reality

sacrifice has to be made
something new has to be gained
something new
progression is my key to salvation

steps toward the spiral staircase
downward to face my freefall
catch my wandering soul
face the illuminate idiosyncratic fallibility
the eventual decline of my pride,
that is already drifting ashore in my head

pause for my moment of bliss
recognize the dismissal
remission of the calm, callous heart
fortunate in thorough art
calmly create my heavenside-spent moment
I look for seven-fold existance

purity in the triangular example of my fortitude
from the top, to the sides my arms fold to catch the skylights
the moonlight on my mind,
I believe I can find it
that chance of respawn to superfluous, glimmering renewal

I started reading this yesterday and I just couldn't make it through. Mind mind was just too scattered. I'm glad I gave it another chance. About midway I was wondering if this could be tightened up or even made into multiple pieces because it seemed to drift, but then it came back to the first thoughts and rounded off. I liked this because I felt I could relate to parts of it.

The first verse, especially the last line of it, was cool. I hope you don't mind, but I did try to tighten it a little. This wasn't just a possible idea help to you, but a learning exercise for me, too. The more I read this the more I like it.

I can't wait until I am past this stage
So fruitless in many ways
only one route to success,
clouded by remnants of my concerns
trashed melodies climbing in my brain

colored equinox of my soul
spinning the inside far from whole
lines from each instance
tiny spots I can't rub off my clothes

supertranscendant from oneself
enough to become a dreamer of a dreamer
not stuck in clouds, walking on them
looking down at the mess that is life --the "that is life" sounds lame. looking down at chaotic life? Just a thought.

there are 7 days in every week--eliminate "there are"
seven ways I count my fate
24 hours to exasturbate
eliminate --I liked this verse, too.

When I confront my demons,
there will be temptation to return
and I shall never return --should it be "and" or "but" there or just eliminate the "and" altogether if you're showing you won't go there at all?
this time the circle will break

punishments await me
-for all the mistakes I made
bereavement
-for many who knew me outside reality --Wow! What a concept! I like that.

sacrifice has to be made
something new has to be gained
something new
progression is my key to salvation

steps toward the spiral staircase
downward to face my freefall
catch my wandering soul
face the illuminate idiosyncratic fallibility
eventual decline of my pride,
already drifting ashore in my head

pause for my blissful moment
recognize the dismissal
remission of the calm, callous heart
fortunate in thorough art
calmly create my heavenside-spent moment
I look for seven-fold existance

purity in the triangular example of my fortitude
from the top, to the sides my arms fold to catch the skylights
the moonlight on my mind,
I believe I can find it
that chance of respawn to superfluous, glimmering renewal

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LB, thankyou and I certainly appreciate your criticism. I do understand on those noted counts where you advised on particular changes, whether in: complete thought, general english sentence structure, or overall smoothing-over of the rough edges. I know that I haven't been on this forum for long at all, so I won't try to outstep any initial growing boundaries, though I must say that when I write, I try to make flaws, dissect words such as "they're", do mean things like start an idea with a preposition, and make loose ideas...just to create that environment--that being said, however, I won't attempt to failsafe any error, as I am sure those are made. I suppose I am taking the Chuck Schuldiner approach to music theory as if it were an english composition such as this.

In any event, I appreciate your thoughts LB.

That's cool. I can appreciate it. I'm not a wordsmith or grammar police by any means. I just basically go by what sounds good to my ears. In the end, if you're happy with it then that's what matters.

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