One does not simply drop me into the downward vortex
Blended in with fragments of existence
As jaws rend flesh, muscle cracks from the frame - your mind is my possession
Eyes locked in black, senses are obsolete
Creation is a myth, there is only the ascension from filth.
Now cast back down to what cannot be discriminated
From anything that will never be seen, a mark of permanence
Now go, back towards the bottom, there is nothing to hold on to
If it can be severed. Fall deeper, and deeper, don’t bother screaming,
Let me show you what is without emotion, and exists for you
In a waning flame exists a new creation of expanding darkness

crits??

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that bad???

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Oh, well the thoughts were very well worded, although in my opinion, the lines were a bit, well, not random, but they seemed to be spat out all at once. What I honestly think you should do is try to write a bit more and add to each line so it doesn't seem like its all coming out at once. Try and develope more of a feeling as to what is being said with good descriptions about each line you have there. I can tell you have a good writing ability, so adding some more lines would make this really good.

OK ill try to inject some lines in the middle to make it a little less wordy

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Yeah, maybe that will help. I just can't wrap my mind around this one.

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I did a little test: could the lines be rearranged at random and the piece make as much sense? Yes. Since you're not Tristan Tzara, that suggests you should rewrite with at least as much care paid to the overall composition as to any individual line.

kay

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