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2007-01-29, 23:23
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Candyland
Posts: 1,542
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Emerald
read Wilfred Owen's dulce et decorum est, as i tried as best i could to get the style he has in that amazing poem
Broken, the conscious is shattered
Stiff, memories reborn into pain
emerald beams up from the ever-churning mud
Surrounded by the choking mist
Pillars of green cut, through the binding cloak
Molested, bent like a splintering bone
Entities, there is no will before them,
The hues remain, the fog does not dissipate,
Bow to it, the filth crawls into your lips,
Veiled in elixir,
Takes hold of your soul, wriggling, permeating
The spirit diminishes, the vehicle rots, taken under by eager worms.
criticism?
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by BOB_ZE_METALLEU
are you telling us that you have 4 boobs...2 small and 2 bigs
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2007-01-30, 00:58
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Very nice. I liked it.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2007-01-30, 00:59
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Candyland
Posts: 1,542
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anyone else?
oh and LBXXX have you read dulce et decorum est
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by BOB_ZE_METALLEU
are you telling us that you have 4 boobs...2 small and 2 bigs
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Last edited by JOAMdude : 2007-01-30 at 01:13.
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2007-01-30, 02:37
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Nope, but I'm copying and pasting to find it right now.  I liked the style of this and all the emotional color in it. That made it cool.
EDIT: I read. I don't think I breathed after the 3rd line until I got to the end. That's powerful. You piece skimmed the ideas of the piece. I think making it a little more right there, maybe with a little more of the right detail, would really grasp the emotion of the older piece.
You've got a good one here though. It's still got a lot of good stuff. It's just not as specifically done.
Thanks for asking if I'd read that.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
Last edited by L,B'XXX : 2007-01-30 at 02:45.
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