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2007-01-29, 06:50
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New Blood
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 45
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7 Problems, 6 shots
I'm not a huge fan of the rhyming scheme I used but I think it comes off decently. Not my favourite/best, but one i'd like to hear some feedback for.
7 Problems, 6 Shots
Fear has already won
your feelings are numb
death runs cold - the light walks away
it will never be the same after this day
Take your shots and reload
safetys off, killing mode
Doubt cuts your mind
as it does man kind
second guess your faith
what choice is safe?
Hate runs thick
a fuse or a wick
only time will show
what we already know
Dying in vain
never such pain
reason to kill or just a belief
a soldier in war or mortality's thief
Reality is a shock
just seconds on the clock
reaper fills his role
souls are his toll
taker of breath
this is death
Last shot, what to do
the finger to shoot without the who
two birds with one stone
now, before they've flown
one shot against two
nobody can know what to do
we'll take this shot , me and you
Crits?
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2007-01-29, 07:59
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Quantum.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,149
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If you want to use it as song lyrics you should harmonise the verses a little more, it is all too easy to lose punch in a song because there is to much rythm skipping.
Still, all in all, this is good material for a metal tune.
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Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal
"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan
"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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2007-01-29, 12:13
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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I liked it all but the last 3 lines. Those seemed too forced. This has a rhythm like I sometimes use so it wasn't any trouble for me to get a beat from it. I think it's okay. Nothing spectacular, but you can definitely dress it up with some music and make it pop out. I love questions in songs so that was appealling to me.
Not bad at all.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2007-01-29, 15:52
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Slayer of dumb cunts
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, va
Posts: 3,622
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I agree it wasn't bad, but it wasn't "good" either. It appears to be possibility of a decient tune coming out of it. Good rhyming can be hard to do.
I think my favorite rhyming is when you'd don't rhyme the entire time just in certain parts, but thats just me thinking of adding a lil extra emphasis in certain parts.
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About requiem. Aint it the truth... |
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