|
2007-01-24, 02:02
|
 |
Post-whore
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Candyland
Posts: 1,542
|
|
|
Architect
plummeting
towards realities unreal
in horror
mired in burning sin
design
he crafts from the depths
of a sordid plague of hopelessness
a blade
clutched in pale fingers
bleeds the concrete sky
blackness
descending
from the rotting arch of
what was once... paradise
into his palm where the sky's blood has dried
a quagmire of lunatic perfection
guttering, forgotten, chained to what does not end
criticism?
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by BOB_ZE_METALLEU
are you telling us that you have 4 boobs...2 small and 2 bigs
|
|
|
2007-01-24, 17:32
|
 |
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
I think the first couple verses could be interchanged. My first response reading the first verse was -not again. The second verse popped the imagery up so I read them reversed and to me it sounded better. Just an idea.
The third verse had some really cool imagery. The concrete sky sounded like one of those days that's not snowing or raining, but just plain grey up there.
Not bad. Very hard edged. Drab colored, but the red references colored it with a touch of drama so I liked that.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
|
|
2007-01-25, 02:19
|
|
Post-whore
|
|
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Candyland
Posts: 1,542
|
|
 first time writing, ill be sure to check out the switched order, is the rhythm OK, oh and ya i made sure it sounded drab with words like quagmire and sordid
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by BOB_ZE_METALLEU
are you telling us that you have 4 boobs...2 small and 2 bigs
|
|
|
2007-01-25, 02:24
|
 |
Slayer of dumb cunts
|
|
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, va
Posts: 3,622
|
|
Its not bad. Had a dark feel to it but not over the top. Maybe go do another once over or 2 over it and put a little extra "effort" into it, and its not a too bad piece of writing.
(Btw maybe we should start rating these lyrics with thumbs up or down. haha I'll start the trend)
__________________
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Darko
...Its very annoying to keep having to hear some socially-disabled teen come on these boards talking about all the drugs he's started doing so that he can maybe grasp onto some kind of positive response so he feels better about himself and what he's doing.
|
About requiem. Aint it the truth... |
|
2007-01-25, 03:03
|
|
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
Well, quagmire made me thing of cartoon, but that's me. And I'm missing Family Guy as we speak!
But yeah, for a first time it's not bad.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
|
|
2007-01-27, 02:44
|
 |
Post-whore
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Brisbane, Australia.
Posts: 1,023
|
|
|
The Avian Architect will trial The Observer Mark II. He will harvest a slice of his arm to extract the calcium for the usage of the word "hopelessness" (thank your fortunes, you're a self-repairing organism and as such will be able to survive the ordeal), but he is rather pleased with the bleak description of him and his surroundings.
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|
