Here is the start of a song I have been working on.This is meant to be sung in a deep growl to a slower than average BPM. (sorry if i'm being a pain but i'm trying to find out if i have any song writing ability)


I'm fifteen miles from hell
I can hear the demons on my trail
I can see all the bodies fall
Soon I will join them all
Hounds of hell feast on flesh and blood
Soon there will be a flood
I have lived a life of death and greed
Do what you want to others was my creed
And soon I will be in hell
Yo thought you knew me well
But you could never see inside my shell

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It's not bad. You don't always have to rhyme so remember that. It sounds like an introduction to something that quickly builds either in storyline and music. Although it's a common topic it didn't seem that dull to me because your rhythm was really good. I liked that. Now you can go on and tell the story more in the following parts.

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Not bad. Better than your first song. It flows a little better and I like the theme.

And dude, everyone has the ability to write lyrics. It's just a question of commitment and how much of it you have.

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Thanks all . I will try to post the rest of it sometime soon.

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Not bad, but like L,B'XXX said, maybe the use of a different rhyme scheme would spice it up a bit.

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Or maybe even elimination of rhyme in other parts. Rhyme could be used as the dialogue portion since you've done it in the "I" mode. The non-rhyme could be descriptive. Just some ideas to kick around.

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I still think it is crap.

You need a more extensive vocabulary.

How does it compare to my first one?

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Even though this isn't directed at me I'll tell you I liked this one much better than the first. You're after specific input so that's why I'm telling you.

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This isn't awful or anything, but you do need to expand your vocabulary. Rhyming the words Fall and All or Greed and Creed sounds like the work of an amateur. Which you are, and there is nothing wrong with being an amateur, you just don't want to sound like an amateur.
The thing I'd suggest is read more. Read everything - books, poems, song lyrics, dictionaries. Whenever you run across a word and you don't know it's meaning, look it up. Try doing it. It actually works. Looking up words isn't just some annoying thing they tell you to do in English class; it's something that will actually benefit you, especially if you aspire to write.

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I recently put dictionary.com on my little hotbar in my browser cause i use it so much. FINALLY.

I don't do ALOT of reading or even much reading other than on here and the occasional news article or technology article but i do read lyrics by certain bands and i think those have influenced me tons. I've looked at their styles of presenting material both vocally and lyrically and it really helps to attempt to me "mimic" adding your own style and twists.

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^ with requiems point.

you should extend your vocabulary, there are great words for pain and violence and sludgeniss in poetry. robert frost has got to be the kvltest gr1mmest poet evar!

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Dictionary.com is a funny site. I always make it say stupid words, or use it to finish my sentence while on the phone.

Reading other lyricists as opposed to just hearing the finished work can let you visualize structure, too.

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