First time in my life this happened
Only thing visible is the grief
Reigning over the school population

Years do not heal this grey wound
And She will never rise agayn
Never her relatives will live without the silent payn of your loss
I hope, if we meet once agayn in Heaven
Certaynly we will, you did not forget us
Keep in mind we love you

Before this day I walked in innocence
Eventually, now, it is over
Keep in mind we love you
I listen to the silent payn of your loss
Now and forever; we will always
Keep you in our hearts and souls

...Rest in Peace...

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Stop substituting I with Y.

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yes y don't know why you're doyng that. To my knowledge no "brytsh" versyon of englysh has a y ynstead of a y.

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I'm guessing it has something to do with the pronunciation of the letter 'j' in Dutch and a phonetic knowledge of English. I might be wrong. In any case, if that's all you have to say about a piece, please save me the trouble of having to tell you not to bother. I'll appreciate it to my grave and my grandchildren will sing your praises.

Youre a fucking liar.

Why don't you guys READ what the text says? Instead of saying my personality should change. It simply will not.

Note at the text!!: I wrote it because a girl of my school died in an accident.

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That was a bit much for me, too, but I wasn't sure of why you did it. After readig what you said at the other thread I wondered if it was something cryptic that I wasn't getting.

I'm torn about the wording in the middle part, but since it's about a tragedy and sounds like a pouring of the heart I wouldn't feel right critiquing it. I'm sorry for the loss the person. It sounds like you added a bit of hope at a reunion eventually and I liked that.

Edit: I went and read the other one along with PST'S remarks. Are the capitals part of the message in this one? The "y" 's aren't placed where every "i" is so I'm not sure about that either.

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I died in an accident once. The fucking thing exploded.

If you open yourself up, you have to be prepared for people stabbing you. Your motives don't count here and you are not immune from critique.

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This is sage advice and should be read by everyone.

If the 'y's are part of his message instead of an honest mistake (which I don't believe to be the case since they're consistently at every 'ai'), then there's a 'pay' in 'pain,' which is cool, and a 'gay' in 'again,' which is just fucking weird.

The message that is to be read, is every first letter in the line upside down. It reads 'For Yanick Bekink' (not really difficult to figure out, you just have to see it).

The consequent use of 'ay' is something I was always doing wrong everywhere. At some point in time, I decided to use 'ay' instead of 'ai' everywhere in personal things. It can sometimes be interpretted as part of the message, for 'pay' indeed is something we did at the school.
This word is used in the title, which can therefore be interpretted in two ways: the way it reads with correcting the 'ay' error, and like 'The silent paying of your loss' (with the use of nonspoken letters - I do not know what it is called in english - which in every case adds emotion to the text). 'Payn' for this reason looks stronger than without the error.
By the way: 'agayn' can be interpretted as 'a gayn' (also without error) which can be read as a gift from above. This is used only in 'I hope, if we meet once agayn in heaven' and in 'And she will never rise agayn', which are both gifts from above ('never' says we will not get that gift).
In 'certaynly' it is only a matter then of consequency if you interpret it this way.

I guess fifty minutes of work (for it took me that long to write and complete it) give loads of discussion material. It is (after reading over and over agayn) deeper than I initially thought. There appears to hide more underneath the surface of the words than the text itself.

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Well, I got the Yanick part, but that name doesn't mean anything to me and it's not common as a name to me so I wasn't getting that. Thanks for the explanation.
Your explanation of the usage in the piece helps. I also think it's pretty cool you've discovered there's more to it than you initially thought. Sometimes pieces seem to come from another source into my head and it makes writing all the more fascinating.
Thanks for sharing all the info. I think if you'd added some more information at the beginning of the piece it would have clarified reasons behind different aspects of the piece. The reader could look for them from the start on the first read then. Just an idea.

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The beginning shows exactly why I have written the text:

> What is my subject?:
< Someone from my school died by an accident. I entered the school next day and I was nearby traumatized by the grief surrounding the else so good mood shared among the school population.

> Why did I write it?:
< I wanted to show the relatives I feel sorry for them, and I wanted to show the rest of the school population how I feel about the fact that someones you only know by laughter are now crying.

> What is the importance for the reader?
< Initially it was meant for the relatives and the other school folk. They can see I feel for them and they share their grief with me. Else I would not even have written the text.

So it is not necessary to add more information in the beginning. It is already there.

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