New lyrics to an old song we made a while ago... and just recently overhauled it to be played in Drop Bb instead of C.... well, I didn't help with the overhauling, my guitarist did, but still, I'm saying "WE"!

anyways, this song is mostly written in English (excuse some of his spelling, I'm copying and pasting this and I don't feel like correcting anything up) with some Mandalorian tongue in it. he told me where he found the Mandalorian translations, but I forgot where. still is pretty cool sounding.

It's not like my other song Mandalorian Crusade, but it s pretty similar as far as lyrics go. It's all about Canderous Ordofrom the KOTOR games and his life as a Mandalorian.

so Tell me what you think. Ignore the lines.

Parjir ra rohak; Canderous ahliit Ordo
(par-JEER rah ROH-hahck; ahilt Ordo) -----------

Win or Lose: Canderous of Ordo _____---------__
-----------------------------------------------------_______
___________________________________-----
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1. You want to hear tales of
my expliots? Of the wars
I've seen and fought?
----------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------
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2. THE ENIMIES I'VE SEEN
DIE BY MY HAND!
Heh, sure.
I'll humor you!
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1. My people are the Mandalorans
it is the honor and glory of bat
tle that rules us. It's through
combat that we; prove our worth,
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2. gain renown,
make glorious fourtunes,
and we become:
IMMORTAL!
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1. ...Win or lose...
as long as the fight is worthy;
then our honor is,
gained.
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2. The glory... triumphing
over impossible odds,
...that's what drives us to war-
rrrr-----.
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Mandalorian Pronunciaion:
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1. Kaysh mayg MEET
-gah-NAH-oy-AH-shee
EE-bee toor JAHT-nay toor
ASH-ahd-KEE-ram orr
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Translation:

1. Only who writes
-remain to carry on
Today is a great day...
for any one else to die

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2. ... We only wanted the challenge of
the battle, and the glory from it --
...Win or lose...
and we lost.
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1. ...I remember it well
orbiting high above a placid world...
80 kilometers below me
... its defenses just stirring
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Mandalorian Pronunciaion:
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1. PEER -oo- NEER soor- HIE -say!
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2. ay-PAR teh att-ray
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Translation:
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1. They will all die!
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2. I eat the pain
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1. I felt the hum of my Bassalisk
and that fear that I always get.
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1. Drop-doors open in front of me,
its my job to lead the fighting
As the wind slid down my back,
I prepared my mind for attack.
I'm free-falling towards certain deth,
white hot, armor across my breast
its that feeling that i get
how long can I outrun death.
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1. -----------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------
BLOOD-LUST-DRIVES-THE
BA-TTLE!
I'M PUT MIND O-
VER METAL
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2. -------------------------------
-----------------------------------
SA TIS FYS-MY-
FETISH-FOR-DETH
AS YOU DRAW YOUR
FINAL BREATH
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1. -------------------
----------------------
I'll win
or DIE!
Conquer
or FRY!

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2. ---------------
------------------
I'll win
or DIE!
Conquer
the SKY!!

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1. And with barely 30 meters to spare,
I twisted and skimmerd the surface,
firing at the giant beam gener-
-ators that were in my path.

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2. The explosion from that sent-
shockwaves that leveled the
entire complex around it
it was the moment of my life.

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SOLO BREAK
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1. I love it when they FUCKING SCREAM!!!
I love that look on their face,
blowing their brains to waste,
spilling their guts, and the taste
I'm at one with deth at this place
I WANT THEIR BLOOD! x2
BLOODTHIRSTY AND HIGH ON SULFUR! CLICE THEIR TROAT! MAKE THEM CHOKE!
THEN WE LITE THE SKIES AFIRE!
I WANT (x2 LOVE) THEIR BLOOD! (x2 BILE)
IT GETS ME OFF! WATCH THEM SUFFER!
CLICE THEIR TROAT! MAKE THEM CHOKE!
THEN WE LITE THE SKIES AFIRE!
... I smell
the burning
flesh of their
world........
.................

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1. -------------------
------------------------
I rip their innards
like gizka gizzards.
... eck-ORR! bah jay-eer!!
-(-={CHOKEAND SCREAM}=-)-

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2. ----------------------------------
---------------------------------------
I laugh at their feeble attempt
at defense
HA HA HAAA!! Neh!-JOH-hah!!
-(-={HA HA HAAA!! SHUT UP!!}=-)-

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1. ----------------
------------------------
My favorite vibroblade
at my side.
... hoh-KAHN-eer!
--(-----={SLICE}=----)-

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2. --------------------------------------
------------------------------------------
As I skimm the crimson waters
of their world.
... ge-TAL....!!!!
... ah-DEN!!!!
--(-----={RED WRATH}=-----)-

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1. If there's nothing at stake:
... your life, ... your
posessions... ... your
world-- then the battle is meaningless.

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2. We Mandalorenas take everything we
are; and bring it into battle. The true test of
yourself; the fight against deth,
against...

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1. o -blivi--
oo-
oo-
oo-

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oo-
on!

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1. ----------------------
---------- (scream!)
teh dah
ay KOH-
tay/day!!!!!!-----
--------------------

1. ----------------------
---------- (scream!)
the dark-
-est glor-
y--------!!!!!!-----
--------------------

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2. ----------------------
----------------------
Ho-ray for deth,
!!!!!
shut up! I'm
re joyc ing!

2. ----------------------
----------------------
OY-ah! pahr kee-
RAHM!!!!!
Neh- JOH-hah!
nee Ay -ye-haan

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1. ----------------------
----------------------
-- KEER-fet-EEN-ay
nee har att-ray!!!
!!!!!!-------------
--------------------

1. ----------------------
------------------------
-- I har vest the
souls and pain!!!
---------------------
----------------------
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2. ------------------------
-----------------------
vahl jay-EER bah
nee arh vahl tal-gal
-----------------------
-----------------------
2. ------------------------
-----------------------
they scream and i
spill-their-blood!!!
------------------------
------------------------
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Translation:

1. I desire blood and evil.
to eat my fucking lunch god-damnit!
looking to get smacked in the face!?
idiot scream or suck on that-
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Mandelorian Pronunciation:

1. nee KOH tal-gal bah OHR-ee-DOOSH
bah ay-PAR ohr-EE-lohr HAR-CHECK!
Koh-PAH-nee MEERSH-moo-RAY- shay vod!?
DEE-kot jay-EER rah soo-RAHN-shahb
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Mandelorian Pronunciation:

1. nee KOH tal-gal bah OHR-ee-DOOSH
bah ay-PAR ohr-EE-lohr HAR-CHECK!
Koh-PAH-nee MEERSH-moo-RAY- shay vod!?
DEE-kot jay-EER rah soo-RAHN-shahb

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Translation:

1. I desire blood and evil.
to eat my fucking lunch god-damnit!
looking to get smacked in the face!?
idiot scream or suck on that-
Translation:

dust
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Mandelorian Pronunciation:

feh...
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Now you're writing songs in Mandelorian? Jesus Christ you're a geek.

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Lol. Thanks.

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Meh, it just looks like a bunch of re-worded KOTOR Ordo-isms.

Some of the stuff is quotes from the game, yeah.

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Do you actually invest in Star Wars, or just the video game? In either case, you should know that Mandalorians don't relish the pain they've caused to others. You want Iridorians if you want to have all that 'I love it when they fucking scream' crap. But you don't want to have that, because it sounds gay.

You're the reason why George Lucas wakes up with a hard-on every morning.

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You got it backwards. Lucas is the reason CtL wakes up with a hard-on every morning.

HAHA

CompelledToLacerate:

I have a hard time getting though this thing because it is way too Star Wars. I'd just recommend that you try and get it across to people who don't even know anything about Star Wars. If you just thow around SW terms and names and all that shit, you catering to a very small audience. Hell, I love the SW Universe just as much as the next guy but I don't have a clue what half the shit you wrote means. I think the point I'm trying to make is: dumb it down for the rest of us. You'll be more effective that way.

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See? That's what I hate about music; you have to consider the audience. That's what turned me off to writing lyrics and words because it obligates you to consider your audience more than yourself. I know what your talking about, and that I'd be catering to a small audience, but the thing is I don't view music as something I need to cater to people. It's my moment to be selfish.

http://upload.ohshare.com/v/8195701...t_Ordo.mid.html
Here's a MIDI of the song. I know, not much, but it's all we've got. You might not like it, I dunno.

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Nah, I think you are missing the point. It is about you, but you have to realize that by writing you are communicating and that your audience could be a couple of people, or it could be the entire fucking world. But don't let it stress you out. It's just something you have to keep at the back of your mind while you are writing, kind of like, when you are driving, you know that driving off the road might be fun for awhile, but if if you do it too long you might end up smashing into a tree or some fucking thing. You just have to know what boundaries will work for you.

By the way, I wanted to download your song but this isn't my computer so I can't do it. (Not that I don't trust you or anything, you know how this shit is with people and virus paranoia.) I'll try and check it out when I can.

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Just open it as a temporary file. And ignore the porn that comes with it (j/k)

And I see what you're saying. You have a good point.

Now, I know this next point I'm making is superficial but true in some instances, but even if someone wasn't a "HxC Star Wars Fan," odds are they won't even pay attention to the lyrics. I've noticed, even with me, some people will either only notice the vocals, the instruments, or a combination of the two. The drumming could suck, but if a person looking for good guitar playing saw a good guitarist playing with the bad drummer (bad as in boring, dynamic-less drumming) they would tune out the drums. Not saying that I would use this to my advantage, but it's true. Esspecially, as far as vocals go, and if we find the proper person for vocals, the lyrics may be too distorted for some people not used to comprehending deep growls or high pitched screaming, and thus not care as long as it's backed up by good instrument playing.

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The type of people worth having as fans will check out what the lyrics say, and the type of rock music worth making will have lyrics that are as rich as the music. Also, if you really don't care about lyrics you might as well let the singer just grunt gibberish, a la some of Mike Patton's most interesting work. Without bullshit like words in the way, you can make some incredible sounds with the human mouth.

The reason this doesn't work isn't really that the references are esoteric and specific, since people are always willing to accept fantasy gibberish if the rest hangs together. The problem with this is that it doesn't hang together. In using Star Wars as a basis for your writing, just like anybody writing those Expanded Universe non-canonical books and games, you have to do your research and tap into the Star Wars world. It's a (mostly) coherent place with some fairly clear definitions, and it isn't quite like the world we inhabit. So, if you're going to use it, you have to use it the way it is. This means none of the immature bullshit you throw in (though other kinds of immature bullshit apply), none of the pointless profanity, none of this crap with Ordo acting extremely out of character. What you really need is the patience to center your songs, and write and rewrite until it's what it should be. You're clearly not a natural writer, so this process may take some time and effort, but the reward will be having some lyrics that aren't meandering, incoherent crap with funny words thrown around. This shit doesn't come easy, and treating it that way doesn't get you anywhere.

Ludd also has a good point, but I still think that the best way to write Star Wars lyrics is to honestly invest in the Star Wars world, not just use some of its words to pepper some bullshit from a completely different place.

Well, I listened to the music, and I'm perplexed. First because you use some Egyptian sounding progressions, which makes no sense unless you're writing on an Egyptian theme.

Secondly, and more importantly, I'm perplexed because you seem to think that this music and these lyrics go together. The music is dark, unrelenting, and repetitive (that's not an insult). The lyrics are supposed to be about something that would fit this kind of music - it does have a martial feel to it - but because your treatment of the material is so juvenile it seems like a completely different song. More, the music implies martial discipline, and while that works for the characters and theme you've chosen, your decision to treat them as bloodthirsty punks who scream inane things like
I desire blood and evil.
to eat my fucking lunch god-damnit!
looking to get smacked in the face!?
idiot scream or suck on that
doesn't really gel. Neither do the bits about innards and pretty much any of the bloodthirsty crap. The reason I'm perplexed is that the music shows a kinda of understanding of the martial discipline that characterizes your subject, but your lyrics do nothing of the sort, as though you magically lost your understanding when you started writing words. And it doesn't repeat, both in the sense that there aren't repeated passages and in the sense that you don't shape the cadences and syllables so that they build up the same kind of repetitions as the music.

Listening to the music just convinces me that you need to do even more work to make this serviceable.

I'm still stuck on where you got the "Egyptian theme" from. And I wouldn't know how to work that out in a Star Wars sense.

And I see what you're talking about with the material being a little juvenile. I'm gonna send some suggestions to my guitarist since he was the one who wrote them.

And when I said they went well with the song, I should have said that when he "growled" the lyrics, they went well with the song Rhythmically. And you must also keep in mind that there have been no drums added to this song yet, so it may sound different when I add some drums to it.

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Star Wars has the advantage, which many fantasy themes don't, of giving you six CDs worth of music, and you don't know how to exploit that?

I doubt the drums will make it sound less rhythmic. All I'm saying is that the lyrics should be similarly rigid, martial, and repetitive. These are disciplined warriors, right? Have the song reflect it.

It's not talking about all Mandalorians. It's talking about one specific one. Although, you're right. I'll talk to my friend and probably clean it up a bit (Not that you would care, but he thinks you're an asshole).

One question, though. What do mean by martial? Excuse my narrow vocabulary. That's why I suck at lyrics.

Excuse me for asking, but what does having the 6 cds from the movie have anything to do with this? All of our instrument music is our own. The lyrics are the only thing based off of star wars..... although, it would be nice to find scores for the music for all 6 movies if we ever decide to cover the music.

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This particular Mandalorian's representative of Mandalorians as a whole, and is almost nothing like the annoying character outlined by these lyrics. I don't mind being thought an asshole if it makes him write a set of lyrics that isn't shitty and lazy.

Martial.

Why would you lift quotes directly from a game and not let the music of Star Wars, which is at least as iconic as anything else in it, influence the instrumentation? I don't think that the Star Wars universe is particularly rich, but there are a lot of elements to it, and an engagement with those elements could only help your Star Wars-themed band. At least more than music that could just as well go for any martial topic and lyrics that seem to be a clusterfuck of bad ideas relying on some exotic words to make them seem worthwhile.

All of our music was written out before we decided to go with being in a Star Wars band. Hence, why Star Wars has no influence on the way the instrumentation sounds.

I don't think we will be able to keep up this Star Wars "thing" going BECAUSE of the fact that none of our music is influenced by Star Wars. In other words, I'm agreeing with you.

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Whatever you decide to do, you seem to have a much easier time writing music than lyrics (the music is certainly exponentially better than the lyrics), so keep this advice in mind: You'll need to put more effort into writing lyrics in order to have them come out even nearly so well as the music, both in terms of reading good examples of lyrics (and there aren't many) and of submitting to disciplined revision. Making something good isn't easy.

I'll try my best, but I've always sucked with words. My diction is very limited, and my critical thinking skills are poor as hell. Dunno if those factor in with lyric writing. I'll try to work harder at it.

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The real skill to learn is editing. That's where you can make up for your own limitations, through rigorous self-criticism.

The First song I made (lyrics and music) I could probably make work without the star wars stuff since none of it did pertain to the storyline of star wars.


http://metaltabs.com/forum/showthre...85&page=1&pp=20
this is the song I'm talking about, btw. I'll post the midi if you want. I think I could get all the star wars references out of it and make it like it is; a man whose own society has failed him in achieving justice and he looks to revenge to obtain the peace he wants, but in the end he doesn't get it.

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I wasn't nuts about the piece and admit I couldn't bring myself to read all of it, but I've read most of the comments just cuz i know PST has some good ideas about how to write.
Even though you didn't write this I think the seld criticism is one of the most important things you can do, but sometimes it takes other people to show you exactly what works and what doesn't before you can move on to do your own crits. Accepting the criticism is hard for lots of folks, but it gets easier once you start not thinking of it as a personal attack. I had to learn that, too.

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Thematically you could do that, but one thing you should do is cut it down. As I remember, it's way, way, way too fucking long, and more meandering than a Keillor story.

One question. You said that this song had an Egyptian theme sound. I'm still confused by what you mean by that.

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I said that one chord progression (it shows up a few times) sounded Egyptian, or has an Egyptian flavor. I meant what anybody else might mean by that.

Oh. Kay. Thanks for clarifying that.

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Just saw that comment and wanted to say - people who can't take criticism never learn from their mistakes and never learn to write properly. Tell him to get over himself and realize that insulting someone's writing doesn't mean you are insulting the person.

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