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Old 2006-10-23, 19:50
No Heart's Avatar
No Heart
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Blood Moon 2

Night of the moonless sky
life stabbed into her womb
inside grows the destruction
of the innocence she once had
in a time like rainy clouds
caressing her mind anxiety
where thoughts of love and life
bloomed into trees and flowers
growing overtop the skeletons
holding the softest parts
of her virgin heart, so clean
like liquid glass falling into a wall
a wall supporting her back
while she falls to break it
the father of the unwanted child
she throws the boy into his hands

If I would have been there
past the gates of rape
I would have cut the unborn up
while her blood filled to her head
for the better of them both
suffering from the denile of death
now corrupts the thoughts of a child
who once seemed to be free

From the crib to the possesion
of the demon so convincing
he whispered to me ill be free
free outside the abortion of love
where its falsness is raped
and converted to hate
he promissed me like pain
for he weeped for his own life
of suicide and temptation
he died without a pleasure
to kill me with the mother
who lurks in the depths of my dreams
haunting the shores of blood
I burn my skin by the sun
who watches untill my death
she drifts away with the sea

If I would have been there
past the cause of rape
I would have killed that child
while she screamed in sorrow
for the better of them both
suffering from the denile of death
now corrupts the thoughts of a child
and that child was always me

drowining beneath the blood sea
I cry alone for my own life
please leave me be in the cold
this misury is so hollow and soft
like the touch of her skin
and she will always be
under the lake of blood
yet she pulls me underneath -No Heart
 
Old 2006-10-24, 02:08
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Ludd
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I didn't see any nuns or bestiality but....oh well.... (not even a finger in the butt)

This is pretty good. Fucking depressing if it is based on reality. Nice job with your wording, for the most part.

I thought these lines were the best:

"of her virgin heart, so clean
like liquid glass falling into a wall"
(You just had to throw in the word 'wall'. Heh. Actually get rid of the word 'like' and find a better substitute for wall.)

"From the crib to the possesion (possession)
of the demon so convincing
he whispered to me ill (I'll) be free
free outside the abortion of love"

I'm trying to figure out what your point of view is here. Are you the 'father' the 'child'? Both? It kind of gave me the vibe of both love and abortion (and aborted love) but from a masculine point of view. What about the female POV? Could you use a different POV?
Maybe I'm missing what you are trying to say.

There's a couple of misspelled words here and there, but big deal. That's why 'god' invented spell checker. This could use a rewrite or two, but over all it's pretty good. Nice job.
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Old 2006-10-24, 06:31
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PST 88
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I agree with Ludd to an extent; try something along the lines of

'of her virgin heart, so clean:
the splash of glass against the wall'

then change the next few lines. Definitely don't repeat the word 'wall' twice in a row during such a blunt transition from metaphor to 'reality.' Don't do that at all, really.

Think like this through every line and it could be pretty good.
 
Old 2006-10-24, 18:43
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No Heart
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No Im the child and the fathers my father and the mothers my mother, this is a true story about how I was born. (my father raped my mother) any more comments?
 
Old 2006-10-24, 21:15
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Ludd
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Quote:
any more comments?


After an explanation like that....uh,NO.
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Old 2006-10-24, 23:26
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Yeah, you pretty much just made it impossible for us to criticize this as poetry.
 
Old 2006-10-25, 18:12
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No Heart
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and that is because?
 
Old 2006-10-25, 19:48
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That is because you've just transformed it (for us; it's clear it was that way for you from the beginning, especially as your responses have only been to comments on the event and not on constructive criticisms) from being an artistic to being a therapeutic work, and there's not much one can say about the latter. I'm not even sure there's any reason somebody else should be reading the latter at all.
 
Old 2006-10-26, 00:52
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Ludd
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 269
I agree with PST. This is obviously a subject that is very personal for you. In order for us to criticize it as art there would have to be some distance between you and the subject. This is connected to you in such a way that any criticism we gave could be construed as a personal insult against you, which wouldn't be intentional, just unavoidable.
Anyway, he's also correct that this something you should consider using in a journal or whatever. There's nothing wrong with having an emotional attachment to what you are writing, but when it's this personal (and it's hard to imagine seeing anything more personal except maybe for someone writing about their experience with incest or something) it really should just be something for you.
Again, it's a matter of distance between you and the subject matter.

And yeah, learn how to use constructive criticism and don't just fish for compliments.
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