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Old 2006-09-11, 14:48
Infinity's Avatar
Infinity
Life is pain.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
My Poetic Justice

This is for all of you
Who know that they've let the wrong one go
Who betrayed us
Who misused deceit
This is for you with that other guy
For you who humiliated us
For you who hurt us
And who done this all deliberately
When you are alone at night
When you are wondering why life is falling apart
When the perfect guy was in the past
And the gentleman now is fading fast
The situation that seemed so gold
Is aging poorly and soon becomes old
When happiness dies and the light goes out
And you can't last another bout
Our faces embedded on your mind
An avatar for all those left behind
This is my poetic justice
 
Old 2006-09-11, 17:23
PST 88's Avatar
PST 88
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,982
Two things:

1. Do you think there's a correct use of deceit in this context?
2. The sudden jump to rhymed couplets from free verse is somewhat jarring.
 
Old 2006-09-12, 02:13
Infinity's Avatar
Infinity
Life is pain.
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
Are you saying I used deceit wrong or that deceit is never used correctly like in the world, you want me to justify that deceit can in fact be used correctly because that is sort of what the thing implies? Well, I guess you are right man, it cant be, unless used against the enemy in which case I guess it's sort of justified, if it's used to protect yourself from your enemies maybe? I should have thought about that.

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