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2006-08-21, 10:51
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
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Dying
We need not be born into sin
We've created hell for ourselves
I sense the demons
In every living person
I'm sick from the air I breathe
Your life is encased in lies
Your existence fabricated a falsified
Untruth that has been etched through time
I am sick of the lies in this world
I am sick of dishonesty
I am sick of betrayal
I cant believe the things I hear everyday
I can't stand walking through the atmosphere thick with shit, thick with deception, thick with competition,
I am sick to death of life
I'm losing my grip
I'm losing the war
Losing everything I hold close
Losing it slowly but surely
I am losing
Dying
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2006-08-21, 11:28
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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It wasn't bad. I think a comma for pause effect if that's the case, would be a good idea afer the phrase --Your existence fabricated. And I think I'd either change the word "shit" to something more concrete like the other terms or leave that phrase out.
It's not bad though. Pretty good flow to it and the I could relate to the despair in it. I think a lot of people feel completely fed up with things sometimes. It doesn't mean life will stay that way, but this captured that particular moment.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-08-21, 12:29
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sweden , Gothenburg
Posts: 256
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That was really cool
Text's Like That is the shit!
Awesome
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2006-08-21, 13:59
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
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if you like that go and read everything else i have ever written here and comment  
this is poor in comparison |
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2006-08-21, 17:09
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Better pack a picnic basket! He's got a lot on here! hehe
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-08-21, 21:56
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,982
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Yeah, but a lot of them are short.
Infinity's self-evaluation is accurate.
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2006-08-23, 01:10
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Slayer of dumb cunts
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, va
Posts: 3,622
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Not bad, I like this one.
What happened to the good ol Infinity small lyrics/poems? Oh well.
Is this line supposed to be like this? It seems a lil weird. the a part of it.
"Your existence fabricated a falsified"
Maybe fabricated and falsified? I think that has a lil better flow but maybe thats just me.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
...Its very annoying to keep having to hear some socially-disabled teen come on these boards talking about all the drugs he's started doing so that he can maybe grasp onto some kind of positive response so he feels better about himself and what he's doing.
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About requiem. Aint it the truth... |
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2006-08-23, 07:04
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
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look after the word falsified there is no comma or full stop so it means continue reading as normal there is no cause for pause
yes, i be going back to the short and sweet things i think
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2006-08-23, 15:57
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Slayer of dumb cunts
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, va
Posts: 3,622
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Infinity
look after the word falsified there is no comma or full stop so it means continue reading as normal there is no cause for pause
yes, i be going back to the short and sweet things i think
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ahhhhhhhh.
Who does that i mean really? Thats what not hitting the return/enter button is for.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
...Its very annoying to keep having to hear some socially-disabled teen come on these boards talking about all the drugs he's started doing so that he can maybe grasp onto some kind of positive response so he feels better about himself and what he's doing.
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About requiem. Aint it the truth... |
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