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2006-08-02, 20:16
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sweden , Gothenburg
Posts: 256
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Nova Of The Dead sky
Nova Of The Dead Sky
Lost In Shadows
Crushed by The Light u never seen
Force to toil , Forced to pray
How decides you're fate
U never walkt you're own way
Dont belive in something u dont belive
u have no life , u had one when u came.
The Aftertaste so bitter
I'll Destroy Your Life... Because You Are Pulling Me Down
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2006-08-02, 23:33
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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It's blunt. It's just not grabbing me tonight.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-08-03, 01:38
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Hell
Posts: 269
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I like the title better than the rest of it.
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2006-08-03, 10:16
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sweden , Gothenburg
Posts: 256
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yepp The Title Is pritty good......And Cant Really Get Things Thogheter when i write Lyrics......  |
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2006-08-03, 12:20
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Hell
Posts: 269
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You have a few lines here that aren’t bad. -
"Force(d) to toil , Forced to pray"
"The Aftertaste so bitter"
The rest of it needs a lot of work. You might consider rhyme scheme.
(The way in which the poem rhymes.) Ex.:
A
B
A
B
This is all about how the last word of each line matches up with the other lines. Therefore, an example of A B A B would be:
He likes to RUN.
I put this in the BIN
She likes to have FUN.
I think it is a SIN.
Of course, you do not have to do this, but it might give the poem some structure.
In addition, there are many misspelled words. Using u instead of you. Walkt instead of walked. You also used you're when you should have used your. (You're means you are.)
If you want to be able to write, you have to read - a lot. Work on your spelling and grammar.
Don't get discouraged. Keep trying.
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2006-08-03, 12:25
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sweden , Gothenburg
Posts: 256
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Ludd
You have a few lines here that aren’t bad. -
"Force(d) to toil , Forced to pray"
"The Aftertaste so bitter"
The rest of it needs a lot of work. You might consider rhyme scheme.
(The way in which the poem rhymes.) Ex.:
A
B
A
B
This is all about how the last word of each line matches up with the other lines. Therefore, an example of A B A B would be:
He likes to RUN.
I put this in the BIN
She likes to have FUN.
I think it is a SIN.
Of course, you do not have to do this, but it might give the poem some structure.
In addition, there are many misspelled words. Using u instead of you. Walkt instead of walked. You also used you're when you should have used your. (You're means you are.)
If you want to be able to write, you have to read - a lot. Work on your spelling and grammar.
Don't get discouraged. Keep trying.
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Okej...Thx For The tip´s.....You c my english is not very good :P
But i will keep on trying =) |
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2006-08-03, 14:43
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Hell
Posts: 269
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I realized after I posted that message that you are from Sweden. That makes a lot more sense. Good luck.
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2006-08-03, 15:48
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Halifax, nova scotia
Posts: 552
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dammit, thats such a badass title.
If i were to give advice, I would say perhaps a bit more metaphor
__________________
Quote:
i have to make this gay ass puppet, for mole day or some shit.
i need ideas. so far i got children of moldem and yngwie molesteen.
yes its a gay project, and no im not in special needs class.
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Last edited by IlikeRiffseveryone : 2006-08-03 at 16:16.
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2006-08-03, 16:26
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sweden , Gothenburg
Posts: 256
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by IlikeRiffseveryone
dammit, thats such a badass title.
If i were to give advice, I would say perhaps a bit more metaphor
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i Will try to make it to a Pritty good txt =)
Last edited by thesadpartofthestory : 2006-08-03 at 19:47.
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2006-08-03, 16:42
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Supreme Metalhead
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Halifax, nova scotia
Posts: 552
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ah, good luck. 
__________________
Quote:
i have to make this gay ass puppet, for mole day or some shit.
i need ideas. so far i got children of moldem and yngwie molesteen.
yes its a gay project, and no im not in special needs class.
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2006-08-03, 23:54
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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This gave me an idea. I posted it at your other piece.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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