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2006-07-20, 05:48
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: CALIFORNIA
Posts: 134
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Damn your Code
Damn Your Code
You sit atop your high horse shouting commands,
Orders to the serfs; despicable demands
Though our heritage remains untrue
We have been born with genes to serve you
Strike us down till we rise no more
Burn us down to the bare stake, we must retaliate!
Damn your code
Damn your ways
Damn your mind
That led us astray
You sit upon your throne we are bound to the stick
Strike back we must rise, inch by inch, pick by pick
Though our heritage is still untrue
We have been born with Genes to fight you!
We strike you down till you rise no more
Burn you down to the stake, you cannot retaliate!
Damn your code
Damn your ways
Damn your mind
That led us astray
one of the first songs i wrote still one of my favorites
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Wolfsherz
YO DUDES HE PLAYS IN A HxC BAND WITH PITNINJAS, GET 'M!
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2006-07-20, 11:46
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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It wasn't that bad really, but for some reason the "genes" was borderline comical for some reason. Probably just me.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-07-21, 00:58
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: CALIFORNIA
Posts: 134
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Haha ya thanks for the comment
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Wolfsherz
YO DUDES HE PLAYS IN A HxC BAND WITH PITNINJAS, GET 'M!
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2006-07-25, 18:07
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Hell
Posts: 269
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It's pretty good.
I'd recommend just a couple of things.
Try reading some of your lines literally:
Strike us down till we rise no more (We aren't get up again.)
Burn us down to the bare stake, (There's nothing left)
we must retaliate! (How can we retaliate if there's nothing left? Ghosts?)
From what I got out of it, it's about people being predestined in their role in society based on genetics and their eventual revolution. But maybe I'm wrong. If that's the case, cool.
Also, you might want to change some of the wording around. I'm not saying use a bunch of million dollar words so that it sounds like you are reading a text book, but try and mix it up a bit. A thesaurus is a valuable tool.
Also maybe messing around with the rhyme scheme and counting the syllables to see if it can be arranged differently. (There is no end to the experimentation.)
Over all I like it. Maybe it's because of your name, but it does sort of remind me of mid-career Megadeth.
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2006-07-25, 22:18
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Quantum.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,149
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Fantastic, someone actually managed to plagarise me before I even posted - Ludd, that is.
Perhaps "urge" would be an option for "genes"? I get the feeling that this isn't completed, but keep at it; I think you may get something interesting. Do post again if you make any big changes.
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Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal
"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan
"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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2006-07-26, 04:06
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: CALIFORNIA
Posts: 134
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your on the right track ludd it is about being born into a role into society, and yes Amadeus once i edit it ill post it. 
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Wolfsherz
YO DUDES HE PLAYS IN A HxC BAND WITH PITNINJAS, GET 'M!
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2006-07-26, 17:27
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Quantum.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,149
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"Instinct creates our own suppressors and then bids us to rise up against them"
I know I know, but I only played the game through twice. This kind of stuck.
__________________
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal
"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan
"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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