hi im new to metaltabs and am only 15 heres some lyrics for my bands first EP entitled "around the bend" some songs are world war 2 oriented all the way to vietnam


"Around the bend"

Peace does not come cheap
Bodies lay in heap
Injured slowly creep
Final death sweep

Caught in the Razor Wire
The Death rate Climbs Higher
Will we win this Hopeless Desire?
Or will this plan go up in fire?

Prepare to defend
What comes around the bend
It could be the end
Just hope it’s a godsend

Howitzer blast!
Germans move fast

Endless walls of flak
Panzers move track by track

Sirens Blair
Warnings Flair

Nuclear Silos Code Red
That’s the Last Thread
This Wont justify the dead

Prepare to defend
What comes around the bend
It could be the end
Just hope it’s a godsend
----------------------------
"Out Numbered"

MG42 tearing ‘cross the sky
bullets flying everywhere, someone’s gonna die
Shot, and maimed, say goodbye
SAY GOOD BYE

Escape the waves of endless men
Along the devil’s banks
Your allies fall again and again
Be sure to cover your flank

They attack with numbers
BLITZKRIEG
Eyes are somber
BLITZKRIEG
Stay low, it’s a Bomber

The Mortars launch with a hissing cry
Shell shocked, some ones gonna die
Blown to pieces, say good bye
SAY GOOD BYE

They attack with numbers
BLITZKRIEG
Eyes are somber
BLITZKRIEG
Stay low, it’s a Bomber
-----------------------------
Drop the Napalm

Align your sites on the chest
Lay the enemy down to rest
Charge the torn up battlefield
Keep on firing; never yield

Over run by enemies
Call in the strike!
A fury of bombs,
A blast of might

Eliminate the enemy
Leave none in your path
Drop the napalm
And watch me laugh

(Repeat chorus and pre chorus twice)

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It's good to see you've done your research and know some military words and phrases. I can't tell you how many times I've seen young writers using military phrases and have no idea what they mean, but they throw them around because they sound 'cool'.

My only real criticism is pretty much the same one I gave last time - rhyme scheme. This time you opted for:

A
A
A
A

B
B
B
B

If you were to mix things up, it will be more effective. Think about it this way, which sounds more interesting of these two:

Bad
Sad
Mad
Lad

or

Bad
Kill
Sad
Thrill

See the difference? While I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with doing:

cheap
heap
creep
sweep

If you do that through the entire poem, it ends up sounding a bit childish.

Another thing to consider is the number of syllables you use in each line. This can help you with the pacing. It's not that you did a bad job with this on these poems; it's just something to think about for your future work. For example:

1 1 1 1 1 1 1
The girl likes to masturbate - 7 syllables

1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
The boy enjoys watching her do it - 9 syllables

1 1 1 1 1 1 1
She is a dirty slut bag - 7 syllables

1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
He found out she gave him syphilis - 9 syllables

7
9
7
9

Just like rhyme scheme, you can use these to plan how you are going to arrange the lines.

You could do:

A - 7 A - 5 A - 4 A - 9
B - 9 A - 7 B - 6 A - 3
A - 7 B - 5 C - 8 B - 1
B - 9 B - 7 A - 4 A - 5


The possibilities are endless.
Just something to think about.

the first one was my favorite i think. Cool stuff.

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wow good explaining ludd thanks i will post more lyrics soon and maybe edit some of these

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For being fifteen you write very well. The first lyric is good. The rhyme scheme really shows that you can put a rhyme together very easily without having it sound forced. I have to say that it's a bit tedious though what with having the aaaa bbbb rhyme scheme, but that's really my only complaint on this one. The second one fixed the problem the first one had. The rhyme scheme was fairly basic, but it works well enough and again, you seem to have putting rhymes together down perfectly. I don't think the rhyming ever spoiled the meter on any of the lyrics, which is hard to do. I have to say lyrics about war are kinda boring to me as it's a bit overdone, but these didn't suck. Some of them were pretty interesting, though I might suggest putting a bit of emotion in your lyrics to grab the reader. Anyways these lyrics are really good for a beginner and I can't wait to see more from you.

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