lemme guess. You're 104, aren't you?

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- ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.

- ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

- ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.

- ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

- ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

- ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

- ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.

- ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

- ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

- ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

- ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

- ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

- ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

- ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.

- ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

- ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.

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Hahaha those are good.
On my old coffee pot at home it had on the warnings "Do not hold over people"

I always though that was funny.

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Now this was good.

Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here then, are the glorious winners for 2003:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked...

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Mexican teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, has a crime been committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone wassilent. Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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Best one there.

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I dunno. I like number 7 better.

"Freeze, Mothersticker, this is a Fuck-up." hell yeah, it was. It's going in my sig.

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Q. why did micheal jackson have to go to the hospital for food poisoning?

A. because he ate an 8 year old weiner

picked this one up at work

How do you make a baby cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on its teddy

What do you get when a 5 year old in a dress climbs a fence?
An erection

What's the most satisfying thing about fucking an infant?
Hearing the pelvis crack

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What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

What is read, screaming and covered in pus?
A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

Three fags are sitting in a bar when one of them says:
- My ass is so big that I can fit a fist in there!
- Hah! You suck! (pun) I can get a pineapple up mine!
The third one says nothing and silently glides down the barstool.

How can you tell that a Kosovo-Albanian has been in your backyard?
All the trashcans are empty and your dog is pregnant.

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And the lord said unto John; Come forth and recive eternal life...

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I laughed so hard at that one I woke up the guy living above me

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hahaha Nice one

Yesterday a man was pumping my gas. I decided to have a conversation with the guy. Told me he used to be a porn star. After pumping my gas he sprayed all over my car.

What's the difference between Bat Man and a nigger. Bat man goes out at night and doesn't rob anyone.

wow. those really sucked.

i like this one!:
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, has a crime been committed?)

A joke i heard recently that cracked me up
Why do cops walk around three at a time?
One knows how to read,the other one knows how to write and the third
likes to hang around with intellectuals

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first one sucks

laughed at the second one haha. it sucks too though

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Haha, good concept... why cops though?

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if you come in contact with them a few times you'll understand(especially here in Greece),besides that we really love them!

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How do you kill one hundred flies?

You smack an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

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Q: What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

A: Kids' panties are always hafl off.

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Q:what do old women taste like?
A:depends

Q:what color were Christa(ie?) Mcalughf's(no, I don't know how to spell it) eyes?
A:blue, one blew this way and the other blue that way(herres the part where I point in two different directions)

what do you call nuts on a wall?
walnuts
what do you call nuts in a chess?
chessnuts
nuts in the toilet?
peanuts
nuts from south america?
brazilnuts(no bush, that isn't a number)
nuts on your chin???







a dick in your mouth

worst joke ever...

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learn english

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Even the retarded guy thought that joke was stupid.....

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he's not retarded he's a mexican!

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I rest my case.

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No look seriously...these are really the worst jokes ever

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What do Maddy and a submarine have in common?
They're both at the bottom of the ocean and full of seamen.

What's the difference between Maddy and the last pope?
One of them died a virgin.

What's the difference between Acne and a catholic priest?
Acne waits till puberty to come on a boys face.

Oooooo topical.

I fucking saw Carlin last week!! In the middle of the show, he introduced to us "three short and sweet jokes for us to go and tell our friends". So here goes.

1) One day, as a little girl's father was walking out of the shower, she asked him, "Daddy, when am I gonna get a penis?"

The little girl's father replies, "As soon as your mother leaves for work in a few minutes."

2) How does the hillbilly girl know when her mother is on her period?




When her brother's dick tastes funny.

3) A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what's that bushy thing that mommy has down there?

Father replies, "Oh, that's her vulva."

Boy asks, "Then what's a cunt?"

Father replies, "Oh, that's the rest of her."

EDIT: I almost forgot a few racist jokes.

When does a black man become a nigger?



As soon as he leaves the room.

What do you call a black man with a college education?



A nigger.

What's the difference between a bucket of shit and a nigger?



The bucket.

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AHHHHHHH thats raunchy

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What is Helen Keller's favorite Convenience Store?



WAAAWAAA

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How do you get a retard to commit suicide?

Put a knife in his hand and ask him "Who’s Special?"



Whats the difference between Terry Schiavo and her bed pan???

Terri Schiavo's bed pan actually serves a purpose.



What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a Chia Pet?

Nobody gets upset if you stop watering the Chia.


Did you hear Teri Shiavo is coming out with a new album? Shiavo - Unplugged.


Why do Terri’s parents love her so much?

Because she’s such a good listener.

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HAHA! Fucking awesome Behemoth. Keep em comin' the first one was fucking awesome.

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Terry Shiavo, I'm sure I have heard that name before *is searching on googles to understand jokes about terry*

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One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of tribesmen attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while, the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face, or else he would be put to death. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was then killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief then ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy asked the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

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Haha, I love that one. It never gets old

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theres a variation of that it goes like this.

3 Guys are on a train. One is an alcoholic, one is a greedy penny pincher and on is gay. They die because of a derailment and they all end up before god. He tells them that they have lived very bad ways of life and he will give them a second chance but they must live a clean life and not go back to their habits. They all agreed and were then descended back onto earth. They were walking down the street when the alcoholic spotted half a bottle of whisky on the ground. He fought his temptations and couldnt help himself and took a sip, he then exploded and ended up back in heaven. The remaining two continued walking when the penny pincher found a dollar bill on the ground. He didnt want to pick it up and fought his temptations but he couldnt help it. As he bent over to pick it up, him AND the 3rd man exploded.

i may have told this joke wrong, but this is the jist of it.

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Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "bum". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

Then he goes to the fish store and asks if he could get some "fuck it". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean bucket (bucket of fish)."

Billy nods his head as if to say, "Yes."

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says, "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

Billy nods his head as if to say, "Yes."

He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

When he gets there he asks this guy...

"Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it?"

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Does everyone know the one about the talking muffin?

Ones a man was walking through the woods and he came upon a frog. It just so happens this frog could talk, and he spoke to the man. The man astonished but still not freaked out enough kept talking to the frog. Time passed by fast and before the man knew it was time to go. As he told the frog bye and began to walk away the frog asked, "Mr. Mr. can i go home with you". The man thought about it(He had never brought a frog home before) he decided to let the frog tag along to his home. At his house the man put the frog on the table and talked with him some more. As time passed the man began to get tired and was ready for bed, so he told the frog goodnight and began to walk away. The frog said, "Mr. Mr. can i go to bed with you?" The man had never had a frog in bed with him before but he decided what could it hurt.So as they lay in bed together the man about to dose off the frog said, "Mr. Mr. will you kiss me. The man thought about it and kissed the frog",(you gotta understand this was a fine frog), and poof the frog turned into a hot 16 year old girl.

Thats the whole truth and nothing but the truth your honor.

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Fucking perfect!

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