Haha. Good one.

This one is kinda lame.

How do you get a drummer's attention?

Do a paradiddle.

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hahahahaha

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Three floating heads walked into a bar. :-|

What's funnier than someone telling a Chuck Norris joke?
Someone not telling a Chuck Norris joke....

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I currently dislike you.

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Good for you....

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How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5

1 screws the lightbulb in,
and the other 4 sit back going "Pffft, I could do that"

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haha.... Sort of similar to that one...

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10, 1 to screw it in and the other 9 talk about how Neil Peart could do it better...

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How do you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight?

He dribbles out both sides of his mouth.

Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!

Two girls are walking along when they hear...
"Psst! Down here!"
They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

I've got lots.

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More drummer jokes!


Little timmy returns home from school, and meets his mother in the living room :

Timmy : "Mommy, I have a drinking problem."
Mother : "OH MY GOD TIMMY, YOU'RE ONLY SIX!!!"

Mother turns to Father :

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT, BOB!"

Father : "My fault!? Maybe if you had spent more time with him!"
Mother : "OUR SIX YEAR OLD SON HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM!"

Timmy is starting to tear up at this point.

Mother : "He sure as hell does'nt need a role model like you!"
Father : "I've done nothing but give to this family, and this is
what I get? I'M LEAVING!"
Mother : "FINE!"

At this point Timmy's world had shattered. He did'nt know how to feel
about his situation then. All he could do was cry.

Mother : "I DON'T NEED YOU, AND TIMMY SURE DOES'NT NEED YOU!!"

The father packs a few things, slams the door and drives off.

"Oh Timmy, don't cry ... It'll be okay ... We'll be alright without daddy ... "

Timmy's mother held him close and asked him a question :

"Timmy, I want you to tell me about your drinking problem"

Timmy was had been crying so hard that it was difficult to speak.

"Talk to me Timmy, tell me about your drinking problem ... "

Timmy sniffed hard, wiped his tears, and turned to his backpack. He
pulled a crumpled loose leaf sheet of paper out, and began to read :





"If Joe drinks one liter of juice and Tom drinks two, how much
did they both drink?"

these are horrendously inappropriate, but theyre pretty solid.

Q:what has 9 arms and 10 legs?
A: def leppard.

Q:what would it take to get a beatles reunion?
A:two more bullets.

hah, i got a kick .

this is my first time in this thread so i dont know whats already in here, i just got a joke from someone:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know > about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many >
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents >
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table >
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, >
with his head down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."

Not a drummer joke. Still funny.

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Lol @ timedragon

Whats worse than 6 dead babies in a trash can?
a baby in 6 trash cans



What's the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a corvette in my garage?

whats tye-dye, red, and can't get trhough revolving doors?
a hippy with a spear trhough it's head

what is the difference between steack and a baby?
i don't pee on steak before i eat it

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What's the smallest pub in the world?.....
......The Thalidomide Arms!

How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
Put notes on it.

What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians?
A bass player!

How do you know if the drum riser is level?
The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth!

Did you hear about the roadie who locked the van keys in the van?
It took him 4 hours to get the bass player out!

How do you know if a vocalist is at your door?
The knockings out of time and he doesn't know when to come in!

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A lesbian goes for a gyno examination. As the doctor is examining the wizard's sleeve he comments to the lady "It's lovely and clean in here"
"It should be" replied the lesbian, "I have a woman in twice a week"

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I love that expression almost as much as "clown's pocket".

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WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHIT AND CUM? I DON'T COME ON MY SHIT BEFORE I FUCK IT. AFTER THAT I eat IT!

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That is fantastic!

Ah, Mitch Hedberg..

"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."

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yea, hedberg is good. he was from my home town, woot woot.


"I saw this wino eating grapes and i was like, 'DUDE, you have to wait.'"

my madre told me a pretty terrible joke the other day:
where do black jews go?? to the back of the oven.

what's black and screams?? stevie wonder answering the iron.

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ohhh man..

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So an Irishman walks into a bar and screams "give me a pint of O'Donnell me laddy". Hahahahahahahahaha.

haha those bass jokes were awesome

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QUICKIES

2 nuns are being attacked and raped in a lane.
First nun says" god forgive them for they know not what they do"

Second nun says "oh god, this one does!
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A Jewish boy has been born with no eye lid. Doctors are going to operate using old foreskins but his mum's worried he might turn out cock eyed.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A man goes into Superdrug and asks 'have you got KY Jelly?'

'No sorry' says the assistant 'have u tried Boots?'

The man says 'I want to slide in, not fucking march in'.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A woman goes to the doctor and says 'every time I pull my pants down my fanny sings 'is this the way to Amarillo''.

"Don't worry" says the doc, "every cunts singing it.''
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Man goes down on a woman and says ''fuck that stinks!'

'Woman says ''its arthritis.'

'He says - ''what - in your cunt?'

'She says ''no, in my shoulder, I can't wipe my arse!''
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire.

The fireman asks 'how do we get there?’

''HELLOO!'', she replies, 'In the fucken big red truck!!'
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy during her period; you get your palm red for nothing!!
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Undertakers have announced that when Michael Jackson dies he will be melted down to make plastic toys, so kids can play with him for a change.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Two Irishmen had a nightmare day visiting the sperm bank in London. Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..





A tramp walks into a jeweller shop and casually begins to finger his arse.

Jeweller screams “GET OUT!”

Tramp points to sign- COME IN & PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT!

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

THE SAD LIFE OF A PENIS:
I've only one eye, my hair's a mess, my relatives are nuts, my neighbour's an arsehole, my best friend's a cunt & my owner's a wanker!.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Imagine the odds you would have got a year ago betting on the pope and Prince Charles both being stiff in an old box in the same week
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling out your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

What's the difference between a 69 & driving in fog?

When you drive in fog you can't see the arsehole in front of you.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….



Why do women have orgasms?

So they can moan even when they're enjoying themselves.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Man comes home from pub very late & very drunk –

Wife says, ''OK smart arse explain the lipstick on your shirt''.

''Feckin easy'' he said.. ''I used my shirt to wipe my cock''.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kylie, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.

Kylie trips jamming her head in some railings.

Robbie pulls her knickers down fucks her senseless.

He turns to Elton says ''your turn'' but Elton starts crying.

''What's wrong'' asks Robbie? Elton sobs and says ''my head won't fit in the railings''

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………



A Guy walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

'Fuck off' says the librarian, 'You won’t bring it back'!
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Chris Tarrant: "For £32,000 what is the colour of the hairs on your wife's fanny?

“Is it A. Brown?
B. Red ?
C. Blonde?
D. Black?”

Paddy says: "Can I phone a friend?
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job, 99.9% said 'the fucking 10mins silence!'
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Cliff Richard, Chubby Brown and Michael Jackson on a ship that starts to sink.

''Save the kids'' shouts Cliff.

''Fuck the kids'' says Chubby.

''Do we have time'' asks Michael.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Camilla parker bowls goes to her doctor and says" whenever I suck Charles' cock
I get indigestion!"

The doctor replies "have you tried Andrews

.......................................................................................... .......

A blonde orders a large pizza. The lad behind the counter askls if she wants it cutting in to 6 or 12 slices?
She replies, "6, I couldn't eat 12"

.......................................................................................... .........

What does a blonde say after having sex?
Are you guys all from the same team.

.......................................................................................... ........

What's the difference between a blonde girl and a blonde guy?
A blonde girl has a higher sperm count.

.......................................................................................... .........

What's a blondes idea of romance?
A lift home afterwards.

.......................................................................................... ......

A drunk staggers across the road and says to a passerby "Can you tell me where the other side of the road is?"
"Over there" says the man pointing.
"Bastard" replies the drunk "Some twat said it was over here!"

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Some good jokes

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hahaha.

I stole this from another messageboard.


The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a
speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You
know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek'
and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish,
and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs.
My son is upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered...
"It's because it takes place in the future."

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Hahahaha.....

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I've told this before but it's not in here.

Why doesn't Jesus enjoy playing hockey?

He's always getting nailed to the boards.

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HOW MANY BASS PLAYERS DOES IT TAKE TO UNSCREW A LIGHTBULB???

NONE, THE KEYBOARDIST CAN DO IT WITH HIS LEFT HAND


HARDY FUCKING HAR-HAR

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i love it!

same vain-


what is the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?

it only takes one nail to put up the picture.


what has 9 arms and ten legs?

def leopard

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Haha!!!! That's terrible!!






Your jokes are the fuckin best

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How do you get a racist white guy to wink and smile at a black guy?

Give him a sniper rifle.

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a man walks into a restaruant and he looks up at the menu..


"cheese sandwich $5"
"hand job $10"

after seeing this, the man sits at his table and a good looking waitress walks over to the man, and he asks " are you the one thats does hand jobs?"
the waitress replies with a sexy voice" why yes i am.''
the man looks at her and says" well wash your hands i want a cheese sandwich!''

hahaha. Awesome joke.

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Touche!

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this is very true. i have a friend named Ralph, told me the stupidest joke alive

"alright. theres 3 guys in a plane, one white guy.......one ruissian guy......half a chinese guy....."

and tahts where it ended. the stupidest joke alive, makes no sense, but we were laughing our asses off how funny it was.








and to those who made an assumption, yes we were drinking.

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Q: Why didn't Superman save the Twin Towers?
A: Because he was in a wheelchair.

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how do you turn a fruit into a vegtable?

AIDS!

what's the hardest part about eating vegtables?

the wheelchair.

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What was the Reverend's most difficult challenge when sleeping with his girlfriend?






Trying not to wake her or her parent's up.

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BOAT!
RUDDER! STRANGE1
MOUNTAIN!!!!!

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um, may I enquire as to WHAT THE FUCK you just typed?

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alright guys, i made up a joke... heh. its not super funny because:

1. its not vulgar or racist.

2. i made it up! (and im obviously not that good)



Two army recruits are sitting next to each other on a bench. Recruit #1 asks Recruit #2: "so why did you join the army?". Recruit #2 replies: "it is a family tradition that has been passed on for as far back as this family line can be traced. Im serving my country with honor as my father's father, and their fathers before them did." Recruit #1 says: "geez, i just signed up cause they wouldnt hire me at Mcdonalds.". Recruit #2 looks to the ground and replies: "yeah.... me too."

this obviously requires a brain or no sense of humor to understand. or it is just timedragon.


*timedragon thinks, who the fuck is JOAMdude?*

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Why does an Irishman always drink?

Because he's Irish.

LOLZ!1

HAHA, it wasnt that fuckin bad was it!!! hahahahahahaha!

i laughed, its not really a joke as something you'd expect to hear on some cartoon. like imagine a cut scene in family guy or something

lol'd.

That would have been more amusing if you'd said PRIEST, doofus.
Loved the vegetable/wheelchair one. That cracked me up.

Little boy asks a man what he's going to do with the load of horse manure in his truck.
"I'm going to take it home and put it on my strawberries."
The little boy looks puzzled. "Where I come from we use cream and sugar."

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Two iraqies came to America and bet who could become Americanized first. So they go there seperate ways and 1 year later they run into eachother.So the first one says me and my family go to baseball games,eat hotdogs and watch reality tv shows.....the second one says go #@$@ yourself raghead.

That is classic

No because Priest like little boys.

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Oh crap. Okay. I'm the doofus this time.

It wasn't funny though.

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http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

^ You could accidentally spend hours on the above link, so be careful.

Here's a highlight(aren't they all?!):
---I find that ducks' opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they do not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in and took a loaf of bread in its beak, I would let him go. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks. But heck, he could have like, a beaver in tow. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kick-ass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake on!

haha hold on, this one too:
---You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; but they do want to make it late for something. "Where were you?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit, let me see the inside of your lip!"

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I don't get this one;

I played in a Death Metal band. People either loved us, or they hated us. Or they thought we were just OK. A Lot of Death Metal bands have intense names like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured." And later we changed it to "Acappella"... as we were walkin' out of the pawn shop.

Help?

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'A cappella' means 'without accompaniment,' and a pawn shop is often where people sell their instruments. If that doesn't get you there, you really should just give it up.

A joke I read on another forum;

why is the cotton on the top of pill bottles?






To remind black people what they did before they were drug dealers.

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hahah thats mitch hedberg. that quote made me like him even more.

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why does a nigger have a piece of crap in his wallet ?



Picture I.D.

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haha.

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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

So true

A Somali arrives in Saskatoon. He is a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having me in such a beautiful country of Canada!"

The person says "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada.

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not a Canadian.

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a Canadian?

She says, "No, I am from Jamaica!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her,"Where are all the Canadians?"

The Jamaican lady looks at her watch,shrugs, and says..."Probably at work."

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Racism rules.

__________________

you missed the point

bass, that joke sucked.



my favorite joke of all time:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXNR1RZxEMQ


oh, i see i already posted this one.....but this time, it is told by a monkey

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HOORAY! It's SUPER-OFFENSIVE WEDNESDAY!!

*****

A rabbi and a priest are sitting in a bar, and an 8 year old walks past the door.

"Quick!" the prist shouts, "Let's fuck him!"

"Out of what?" says the rabbi.

*****

How can you tell if it's your turn to do the dishes?

Look in your pants. If you have a penis, it's not your turn.

*****

What do you call a black guy who can fly a plane?

A pilot, you fucking racist.

*****

Where do you send a Jewish kid with ADHD?

Concentration camp.

*****

What did Helen Keller say about a cheese grater?

Worst book she ever read.

*****

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haha, those one's were especially great.

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my brother told me that one. shit it threw me off comlpetely

__________________

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Damn. Mine fell off.

Very good jokes, man.

__________________

What's brown on the outside and crunchy on the inside?


Nigger with bonecancer.

Oh yes, what do Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles have in common?
They're both niggers.
Why can't Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles read?




They're both niggers.

haha, terrible.

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A gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated.

After the operation he was talking to another miner and said:

"Well, I'm still alive, but I'm fucked. Who would ever want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replied "Try Paul McCartney"

__________________

Q. What's green and has 12 tits?
A. A garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic.

Q. What's 12 foot long and stinks of piss?
A. A conga line at an old folks home.

Q. What's the worst thing about child rape?
A. Trying to get the blood stains out of your clown suit.

Q. What do you call an Irishman with 8 girlfriends?
A. A sheperd.

Q. What do you call an Irishman with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. What's blue and fucks grannies?
A. Hypothermia.

Q. What's got 100 balls and fucks old ladies?
A. A bingo machine.

Q. What do you do after raping a blind, deaf and dumb girl?
A. Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

Q. What's 12 inches long, has a purple head and makes women scream?
A. Cot death.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

Q. What do cellphones and clits have in common?
A. Every cunt's got one.

Q. What's the difference between an aborted foetus and sand?
A. You can't eat sand.

Q. How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
A. Nail its other hand to the floor.

Q. What's the difference between a homosexual and a microwave?
A. A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

Q. What's the difference between a homosexual and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Q. What has 2 legs and bleeds?
A. Half a dog.

hahaha, most of those were really good. I'll have to remember some of them.

__________________

One more for good measure:

Q. What's the first symptom of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in your ass.

And I'm spent

Welshmen surely? Most of those were very good. I particularly enjoyed the blind, deaf dumb girl one. Good work.

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"




"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

.... I don't get it.

__________________

Speaking of "not getting it":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SX2WtDzRrcQ

An uncensored joke told by Eric Cartman himself haha. Worth a listen

I don't get it either, but it was still funny.

Don't understand how the last part of this wierd orgy was related to 9/11 in anyway. Wierd joke.

__________________

Get it: http://www.vorsprungdurchtechnik.co.uk/

And the point of a performance of The Aristocrats is simply to make it as vulgar as possible, so adding in the 'and now we'll do our impressions of the victims of 9/11' is just knocking down another barrier, as most versions try to offend primarily with sex variations. One of the best also doesn't do it that way (this is all off the top of my head and not accurate, but it's just a build up to the punch line):

'I've got an act, and it's terrific. Listen, first there's a lovely African American woman who lies out on a chaise lounge and reads the sonnets of Shakespeare. Next, another lovely African American woman sits down at a piano and plays Bach's Goldberg Variations. Finally, a third African American woman sits down at an easel and reproduces a painting by Vermeer, a different one each night.'
'That sounds great. What do you call this act?'
'Nigger cunts.'

A little girl walks in on her mum having a shower, and notices her huge tits.

Girl: "Mummy, what are those?"
Mum: "These are breasts, honey."
Girl: "When will I get them?"
Mum: "When you're older, sweetie."

Later that day, the little girl walks in on her dad having a piss, and notices his cock.

Girl: "What's that daddy?"
Dad: "This is a penis."
Girl: "When will I get one?"
Dad: "When your mother goes to work."

A teenage girl approaches her dad about borrowing some money for a night out:

Girl: "Dad, I need $50 to go out with my mates."
Dad: "Suck my dick for it."
Girl: "Not this again..." *slurp, slurp, slurp* "Ahh Jesus, this tastes like SHIT!"
Dad: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car."

that reminds me of a joke my friend told me:

how do you know when your brother is a faggot?

his cock tastes like shit.

__________________

HAHAHA nice

While I'm here:

Q. What's better than winning the gold at the Special Olympics?
A. Having two legs.

Q. What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A. A bitch who won't do what she's told.

Q. How do you kill a dead baby?
A. Hit it really hard over the head with a brick.

Q. What's blonde, has six legs and runs through Michael Jackson's dreams?
A. Hanson.

Q. What turns a 90-pound weakling into a 300-pound man of steel?
A. Polio.

Q. What do gynaecologists and pizza delivery boys have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.

Q. What's black, blue and hates sex?
A. A rape victim.

Last night my girl friend call me a pedifile.

I told her that was a big word for a eight year old.

I knew that was a joke when you mentioned that you had a girlfriend.

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8 \/ r !\!

Hehe Best joke in here

Two old ladies are sitting outside a flower show and one says "I'm really bored. For $5 I'd strip and run through that flower show."
The other old lady holds up $5 and grins, saying, "You're on!"
So the other old lady strips and runs into the building. Pretty soon her friend sees the doors fly open and the old lady comes out still stripped. There's people cheering and clapping in the building.
"What's that all about?" asks the clothed woman.
"I just won the award for Best Dried Arrangement, that's what!"

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I don't know if anyone's told this one already, but...

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So, he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the Pledge of Allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

So, Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So, Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But, he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But, he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral of this story: Don't stand up in a boat.

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That joke was so fucking stupid haha.

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Police have found a dead body in the park and have issued the following discription to help them identify it. The deceased is described as 400Ibs, 4ft 2inches tall, bow legged with a club foot, cross eyed with big ears and cleft lip. PM me Requim let me know you're still alive!

An American woman a French woman and an African woman are all on a plane that's about to crash. The American woman says "I'll be saved first when they see these puppies!" as she rips open her top to reveal fantastic DD knockers. "No I'll be ze saved first when they seez theze!" says the French bird as she rips off her skirt to reveal slender long tanned legs. The African girl stands up and rips her knickers off "Don't be silly, they always look for the black box first!"

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Q: What does Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

A: They both have boys pants half off.

what do yoko ono and ethiopians have in common?

they both live off of dead beatles.

what do curt kobain and freddy mercury have in common?

they both sucked on tubes before croaking.

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LAWL.