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2006-02-23, 11:09
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
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Life and Death
Face down in the fucking dirt.
Tasting the dirt,
You better learn to love it down there.
Soon you'll be underneath it.
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2006-02-23, 12:00
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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ACK!!! Don't use the word "dirt" twice like that!! It killed it and buried it in the dirt. The second one could be "soil" and that could elude to the ground or the foul things in it. Just a suggestion. I liked this one, too, except for that little thing.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-02-23, 12:04
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
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Its to put extra emphasis on the situation like rubbing it in. Face down in the dirt, down in the fucken dirt, you know
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2006-02-23, 14:29
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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I wondered about that after I bitched. It's fine. 
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-02-23, 22:52
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,982
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You might want to transpose 'fucking' to the second line. You definitely don't want 'soil' in there.
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2006-02-24, 02:31
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HES BAAACK
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: slaying all the giants
Posts: 9,967
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uh..... way too short and generic. i didnt even notice the double dirt
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www.myspace.com/crownedmusic
http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j136/transient_shirts/Banner.gif
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2006-02-24, 04:28
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Toast-whore
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Where the grass is green, and the girls 69.
Posts: 1,473
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Infinity
Face down in the fucking dirt.
Tasting the dirt,
You better learn to love it down there.
Soon you'll be underneath it.
But your entrails will be in my back pocket
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__________________
My bands page ^
Think my attitude stinks?? You should smell my fingers.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by BOB_ZE_METALLEU
yeah, one night he (BassBehemoth) came with some GHB and he put it in my drink, when i woke up....i lost my hymen....terrible  |
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2006-02-24, 04:57
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,982
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If you didn't notice that he said 'dirt' two times in a four word span you really haven't read closely enough to have an opinion worth giving. Seems like you just looked at the length and determined its worth by that.
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2006-02-24, 06:36
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Life is pain.
Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,510
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Transient
uh..... way too short and generic. i didnt even notice the double dirt
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Dude you only ever dislike what I write. It's totally understandable and I can accept it but next time if you don't post in one I'll assume you don't like it, fair? Let me know of one you do like instead.
By the way, most of my other posts which are 8 lines or less have been pretty big hits with most teh people hear as I understand so you might wanna check out them to see if short isn't always bad as most of what I do write is very short.
PST I considered changing it and decided against it but it was a good suggestion.
I'm not particularly proud of this piece at all, but some of you might know that I spend about 5 minutes max on any of my peices and just write them impromptu into here, not from another source of mine that I planned out or anything. 95% are like that, impromptu. Pretty much all I submit here is on the spot. |
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