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2006-02-18, 23:15
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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"Father"
"Father"
Jacob Fitzlaff
2/18/2006
I've paid my dues to patriot wars,
I've suffered and bourne disgrace.
I've shed the blood of the innocent,
In defense of your good name.
You've sent me here to reap.
Just what it is you've sown.
You've planted the seeds of hatred.
Upon which you will build your throne.
We dance like marionettes,
To your voice on the screen.
We live with no regrets.
Oblivious to the screams.
I raise your flag and salute.
I've sold you my honor.
You raise your gun and shoot,
I die for you my father.
Cookies to whoever can figure out what other song of mine I used the first 4 lines in. 
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2006-02-18, 23:25
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Do I get cookies if I cheat? I did and I know.
Good flow, good content, and passionate. I liked.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-02-19, 07:41
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Quantum.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,149
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I believe this is one of the first of your pieces I read, so I honestly have no idea.
Say, I'd guess this is a political piece. You are not, by any chance, American?
Whatever the case though, you have managed to nail down a timeless quality. This kind of tragedy have been reoccuring for as long as we have had a group to be loyal to. Good wording and flow; do you intend to put music to it?
__________________
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal
"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan
"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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2006-02-19, 15:02
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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Yes I'm american and yes we are working on music for it.
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2006-02-19, 15:31
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Quantum.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,149
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Ah yes, noted the "location" entry now.
Any chance of us hearing a bit of the finished product?
__________________
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal
"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan
"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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2006-02-19, 17:40
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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Nothing recorded as of yet. But I'll PM you or post it here sometime.
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2006-02-20, 13:57
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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That's cool. I've heard you play a few times before so I'll look forward to a finished product.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-02-20, 14:08
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Quantum.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,149
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Sounds good, looking forward to it.
__________________
Listening to Cannibal Corpse and cutting trees with a chainsaw, now that's metal
"He preferred the hard truth over his dearest illusion. That, is the heart of science."
- Carl Sagan
"Imagination is more important than intelligence" - Einstein
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2006-02-21, 02:36
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Slayer of dumb cunts
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, va
Posts: 3,622
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I like the flow with this song. I can look at this from an objective point of view (without muddying my opinion of it with my own views.) I definately wouldn't mind hearing a final product.
I can definately see this as being a powerful, semi slow pace. (but thats me)
Although i'll point this out just cause i saw it. After the first 4 lines. which obviously go together. You continue with an A B A B rhyme scheme. Except in the first pair of 2. Where it does like an A, B C B. Then from there on it rhymes. I just thought i'd point that out if you didn't know (which i'm sure you probably did)
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
...Its very annoying to keep having to hear some socially-disabled teen come on these boards talking about all the drugs he's started doing so that he can maybe grasp onto some kind of positive response so he feels better about himself and what he's doing.
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About requiem. Aint it the truth... |
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2006-02-21, 03:05
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Legio Draconorum Orkian
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: upon raging waves
Posts: 4,499
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gave me a strong Metallica vibe. From the And Justice For All days. pretty cool really.
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2006-02-21, 03:21
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Post-whore
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,136
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by tmfreak
I like the flow with this song. I can look at this from an objective point of view (without muddying my opinion of it with my own views.) I definately wouldn't mind hearing a final product.
I can definately see this as being a powerful, semi slow pace. (but thats me)
Although i'll point this out just cause i saw it. After the first 4 lines. which obviously go together. You continue with an A B A B rhyme scheme. Except in the first pair of 2. Where it does like an A, B C B. Then from there on it rhymes. I just thought i'd point that out if you didn't know (which i'm sure you probably did)
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I just wrote what flowed.
And yeah, I've been listening to Dyer's Eve almost exclusively all last week.
__________________
Worker bees can leave,
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.
www.maddox.xmission.com
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2006-02-21, 05:27
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Slayer of dumb cunts
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, va
Posts: 3,622
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Tulvox
I just wrote what flowed.
And yeah, I've been listening to Dyer's Eve almost exclusively all last week.
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I figured thats what happened. (works the way you have it written, for obvious reasons)
I've done this in some recent pieces. Where i'll like the rhythm and rhyme.. but i'll just throw one or the other out of the window when a good opportunity (and reason) arrives.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
...Its very annoying to keep having to hear some socially-disabled teen come on these boards talking about all the drugs he's started doing so that he can maybe grasp onto some kind of positive response so he feels better about himself and what he's doing.
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About requiem. Aint it the truth... |
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2006-02-21, 16:42
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Legio Draconorum Orkian
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: upon raging waves
Posts: 4,499
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Tulvox
And yeah, I've been listening to Dyer's Eve almost exclusively all last week.
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quite possibly my favorite metallica song, and the first i ever heard as well. |
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