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2006-02-12, 05:34
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Lo, they do call to me...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
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i havent named it yet
on the wings of a lone crow
blow the whispers of my longing
unbeknownst to her, my love,
i mean every word of it
the truth behind the message,
hidden by a friendly smile,
kills me with every breath
because it means so little in return
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Too grim to function
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2006-02-12, 14:09
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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Rather haunting imagery in time for Valentine's Day. Sometimes people can't read between the lines. I liked it.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-02-12, 22:49
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Slayer of dumb cunts
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, va
Posts: 3,622
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Not bad at all. I like it.
I was wondering the line saying.
"hidden by a friendly smile,"
You think it might be better with "hidden beneath a friendly smile"? Just somethin that jumped out as me. (not sure if its fitting your mental flow though)
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Darko
...Its very annoying to keep having to hear some socially-disabled teen come on these boards talking about all the drugs he's started doing so that he can maybe grasp onto some kind of positive response so he feels better about himself and what he's doing.
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About requiem. Aint it the truth... |
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2006-02-13, 04:06
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Lo, they do call to me...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: virginia beach, VA
Posts: 2,209
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maybe ill make it behind
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Too grim to function
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2006-02-13, 05:54
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,982
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'By' is best. 'Behind' would be repetitive in a non-constructive way, and 'beneath' just isn't the right word. 'By' is.
Don't title it. Then when anthologies of Moonraven poetry come out, it'll just be known as 'on the wings of a lone crow.' And if they don't come out, no one will ever find out that it doesn't have a title. Win-win.
You might want to wait until somebody else comments before noting that they don't 'read between the lines.'
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2006-02-13, 10:18
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HES BAAACK
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: slaying all the giants
Posts: 9,967
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by PST 88
'
Don't title it. Then when anthologies of Moonraven poetry come out, it'll just be known as 'on the wings of a lone crow.' And if they don't come out, no one will ever find out that it doesn't have a title. Win-win.
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what poet did that? was it emily dickinson who never titled her poems? we were just talking about this in class the other day.
as for the actul work- a crow is kind of cliched. you should try employing objects that are less common. or say if you really want it to be a crow, don't name it as such. try describing it instead? just a suggestion
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www.myspace.com/crownedmusic
http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j136/transient_shirts/Banner.gif
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2006-02-13, 11:50
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Post-whore
Banned
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Sydney, Aus
Posts: 2,037
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It gave me some vivid imagery. Wow.
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2006-02-13, 13:33
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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PST-- I was making a comment about the thought in the piece. Things being said that were either being ignored or not being interpretted the way they were meant to be such as when a friend might tell a friend "I love you" and mean it not in a comrade way, but a romantic way.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-02-13, 16:24
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,982
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What you just said has very little to do with this piece, which seems to be more about the author 'reading between the lines' and finding that, instead of the meaning he'd hoped to find, there's just nothing. What's being misunderstood is similarly problematized by 'reading between the lines; in this case the friend is reading some irony or non-seriousness into something that is quite genuinely heartfelt. Different problem then 'some people can't read between the lines;' everything would be better if nobody tried to, in this case. Still, I withdraw my earlier criticism.
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