ohh...im thinkin of dame-frank or somethin like that sorry

__________________

you're having me on...that didn't yeild anything in google. but i know darko has a thing for weird art so i bet thats it (i remember the hairy cantelopue fellow)

__________________

LMAO...
Damefraumorkem

She was 15/16ish

Where the fuck did she go....

last posts she made was along the lines she was going to get a pic of her PRS

(cough BS)

Next person to use the word 'mate' as a noun better be British or Australian, or at the very least living in Australia or the British Isles. If you're American, learn to deal with this fact. The only thing worth than an American is an American affecting other nations' manners.

I'm inclined to believe that Bia sent something nasty to Moonraven. Not because I doubt that she'd be nice and honest, but asking if it arrived is too intense; more consistent with a joke than with something sent seriously. But that's just the internet talking, maybe.

I think Dame was slightly older last time she showed up. But it's better not to think of her. If you want to see somebody her online personality closely resembles, look for Pandemonium, not Bia.

oh, that'd do it then.

Dyldo, you have a vivid imagination. I love it. My asshole puckers up when I think about it. Exciting.

Yep...I was just playing.

...yeah....sorry about that

__________________

Who fucking cares?

__________________

Chuck Norris cares

__________________

nah...to chuck, women are like individual squares of toilet paper, use em once, then flush em away

__________________

Right i've told this somewhere before on this site.


My girlfriend and I were fooling around and she pops the question, "Wanna blowjob?"

Of course I agree.

Now, what I DIDN'T know is that at the time she had been chewing gum. She didnt spit it out when she went to town.

Ok so she's trying to balance my cock and the gum in her mouth so nothing gets caught...

she failed, and preceded to um...throw up on me.


Beat that, fuckers!

(Bonus Points: That was the first blowjob I ever got.)

(Extra Info: She was kinda scarred about BJs after that, she was freakin' humliated. However, she's real into them now O_o. Also, ever since we lost our virginity to each other (shut up we're 16) about a month ago, she wont lay off me. I didnt think i'd ever refuse anything sexual but...damn, I have a limit)

__________________

yes it did : )

__________________

You do not have a limit you fucking pussy. When you first lose your virginity you're meant to be sexually ravenous; if you're not you're probably thinking too much about it. If you don't get to a point where you think you might have a sex addiction problem (you don't), then you're probably not being honest in your actions.

I've had some bad head from girls who wouldn't know how to give good head if it slammed them in the back of the throat, but none were so clueless as to throw up on me. I can top that, though, but I think it's pretty clear by now that my role here is to criticize everybody but Jim who posts in this thread and studiously avoid any reference to my own sexual exploits.

aww, you're just too sensitive too share aren't ya?

__________________

It was her ultimately-retarded moment. She's never done a bad thing since.

And it's not that i'm worried about addiction, it's that i'm fucking TIRED after a while dammit!

__________________

tired? what kind of 16 year old are you?!






































oh and don't forget your raincoat when your playing inside

__________________

ah yes, the raincoat. Crucial thing, that.


And dont tell me you've never had a sore dick. It's IMPOSSIBLE to get it decently hard after enough times.

__________________

Yeah, I figured she'd learn quickly. Vomiting over somebody you care about is a quick teacher.

And I didn't mean to imply that you were worried about the addiction. I meant that you should be worried about it. And you should try out some positions that don't make you work as hard, if you're so tired. Or something. I can honestly say that this is not a problem I've had. I've lost interest in girls because I'd more or less fucked them out, but I've never been too tired, no matter what else I had going on.

yeah. I get tired too. I'm morbidly unfit.

Yeah...
Were I grew up as a little girl....there was a fat man 5 houses up....always in his yard fucking with stuff.
He had this piece of shit Chow that would bark at anything and everything.

He'd yell, "Screw! You're Hot" and the dog would immediately shut the hell up and lay down.

heh

Did you mean to post that in this thread or the RTT where they're talking about dogs?

And you get to be lazy, Jarr-Jarr. Everybody loves you so they'd fuck you in your sleep so as not to disturb your slumber.

Here... it's relevant.
Well....heh

Yeah, just asking.

So, did he actually fuck the dog? Or just tease it?

I got called ja ROD STEWART during sex once. true story. I smacked her in the face.

The last part wasn't true. if I slapped everyone that called me bad names, I'd probably have a sore hand. HAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111

Why the hell did she call you Rod Stewart? Where you shouting inspirational slogans while you bumped uglies?

"And one! and two! and three! and four! and feel the dick plug the whore!"

__________________

Jar-rod Stewart, Dyldo. As in a cute nickname for Jarrod. Almost as cute as mine.

or there's Jewrod. That's a good one too.

Who knows?
Alot of kids grew up on my street so there was always activity outside and his dumbass dog chasing bikes and barking....growling at passers by...

The old man would scream very loud... "Bear..Bear...Screw you're hot"
and the fucking mongrel would laydown and shut the hell up. He also paid neighborhood boys 1 dollar for fresh shot squirrels. Roving gangs of boys with BB guns would cash in there often. The fat man would actually give the boys rusty BBs he dug out of the squirrels back to them.

Another one of those odd things growing up.
One day I'll tell you about the schizophrenic dude that lived on my street too.

Then tell us about the time the tornado came.

__________________

Bia saw a girl flyin' through the sky. And she looked up her skirt.

I know all about getting my dick sore. Means your girl is either not wet enough after a time, or that you should try stuff that is less tiring on your dick skin or without penetration or something.

But why am I telling all this? You just started out, find out for yourself

__________________

Pff have sex using a broomstick covered in deep-heat.

Now THAT'S pleasure.

__________________

Fuck man where do you come up with that shit!?!?!

__________________

I guess when these guys get horny they really get what they can

__________________

haha

__________________

Well, miserably failed to add to the list of pain and suffering last night. Met several fun people, but nothing happened. However I DID manage to tell the Aristocrats joke to three fat ugly women who were seven kinds of horrified. Ahh, I wish you could have seen their pig-ugly faces. It was such a beautiful version too... the father picked up the son and started beating the daughter with him towards the end... they won't forget me in a hurry.

__________________

what is the aristocrats joke?

__________________

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/ari...ts/trailers.php

There are a couple versions there.

Has this ever happened to you? If it has, you're my hero.

__________________

Psh, that isn't the worst of Tucker's stories.

http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/e..._ever.phtml#578

__________________

tucker max.

__________________

Sir. That is totally sick. Thank you

__________________

Man. That's scary.

__________________

Yup. I'm totally disgusted. I feel the need to wash myself.

__________________

Ya, Im never fucking a girl taller than me.

__________________

You're not that tall...

__________________

hahah

__________________

Oh dear god!! That poor man, this is why i openly get uncomfortable around gay people.

__________________

Hah, I've honestly never talked to a gay man. But my aunt's a lesbian and I'm pretty close to her, but of course she's not going to pop me sexually oriented questions, because..well, she's my aunt.

__________________

The Tucker story seems like made up....hype.

I could write something that stupid in 10 minutes.

If it's real....then he's a fucking idiot.

..and why exactly would he want to make a story like that up?

__________________

whether he made it up or not, his stories are always going to be fucking hilarious or disgusting...and thats all that matters...

__________________

Im as tall as you. And I have quite a bit of time to grow. Basicly, get fucked.

__________________

NHOE has 10 inch high hair! That's cheating!

__________________

well how tall is mike?

__________________

Fuck who cares how tall you are.

If you are short you can see up mini-skirts, if you are tall you can see down low cut tops.

If you are inbetween you are gay.

__________________

Storytime for bozos....

Here's a secret...not everything in print is true!

OMG...shocker eh?

lol

yeah i thought that was a load of shit too.

Some people are just storytellers

__________________

hahaha...I enjoyed that a little too much.


Thanks for the sig. mention!

__________________

Ah, 5-8 all you can drink night at the Union. I'm so amused that Tucker's an alum here. He even comes back and gets interviewed by the school paper every now and then.

I doubt either of those two stories are made up. They're not nearly implausible enough for that to be the automatic assumption. The Manhole has a reputation very much like what he described and I've certainly met people as aggressively ruthless as he is when it comes to women. The guy's not admirable in that he seems to have no conscience whatsoever (not just from the evidence on his site), but he probably doesn't lie any more than anybody else who gets obscenely drunk on a routine basis does.

Bullshit, I'm taller than you, not counting the hair! Basically, get fucked.

__________________

around 5 foot 8ish,
I never said I was tall, I'm just saying Gordy isn't hah.

__________________

Your only taller than me by... well... a hair. So you cant exactly say im short when your 5'8 and im 5'7.9

__________________

A hair in NHoE's case is 3 feet

__________________

I'm on the scoreboard, AT LAST.

__________________

AHAHAHA!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? I never thought anyone would acomplish that.

__________________

no fucken way?!?!?!? out of all the demands this one first??? damn

__________________

I hate club. They are many bad things. However, they are not entirely without redemption and I'm in the mood for vile. This woman is a friend of WANTS me. It is obvious. It's written into her DNA. She does everything but hump my leg and I do NOTHING. An errant word or two, nothing substantial. No "Hey baby, what's your sign?" or "So, tell me about your uterus", just totally distant. Hey, it's a club. They play the unmentionable Muzak so loud that it never does much for conversation, and I'm not feeling talkative.

This goes on for a while. I half-know this girl's friends. Her friends are really a very supportive lot. None of this cock-blocking shit... this is the exact opposite. Laser guided cock-guidance. These people have so much interest in the welfare of my penis for near-strangers that I have one of those rare moments of thinking people are kind of nice.

In fact, one of them throws me their hotel room key. Awesome, I know where this hotel is, and it's literally three minutes minutes walk, and the room is entirely unoccupied for several hours. Shit, these people did everything but take her clothes off for me. Could everything just go right or what?

I look up, people are all trying not to look at me, wondering how I'll react.

Then I remember... Grab her hand... Everyone is listening...

"SEX."

And out we go.

Honest is the best policy, chaps.

P.S. This is why I made this thread.

P.P.S. Had an opportunity to interfere with a really big woman, maybe 5'10, 95kg. But it turns out these things are harder to do in real life than you think. I cannot bring myself to hit on this woman. If she all but throws herself at me (and I don't fall over) I will do this thing out of pure bad, but I cannot in good conscience chat up a fat woman. My penis would never forgive me.

__________________

And so ends my quest to find the funniest thing I will ever read.

__________________

Sounds better than "dinner and a movie"

FBS -

Bravo.

__________________

Get your tounges away from his sphinctral nerve endings. I want a taste.

__________________

I know what you mean the thought of getting with a fat chick is pretty sickening.

__________________

Your my fucking hero man!

__________________

good one!
was the sex any good?

__________________

I think the fact of the sex is better than the sex could be.

There's a funny story about Bukowski forcing himself to fuck a whale of a woman and describing how it basically got harder at each step and he would never have made it without the firmest conviction that doing so would be worthwhile. Not only did he have to fight his own sense of repulsion, when it came down to it there were a lot of things he didn't expect when it came down to the physics of fucking a fat woman. Broke his bed in the process. That's something you really have to want to accomplish.

It varied, you see. There was a lot of it. But all of it was seen through the rose-coloured glasses of the previous pick-up line.

Next stop must definitely be an older lady. I have read no less than three articles in the last week about a middle-aged "man draught" in Sydney. Usually I dismiss such stupidities, but I think there must be some favourable statistics on it.

__________________

haham i'm 5'8ish too. Also, Cheers on a job well done, fbs.

__________________

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO ASK!!!! She just started, and I said "Hmm, keep doing that."

[I'm only taking half-credit for this one - she wasn't really fat.]

__________________

Feed her and call her your girlfriend. If that doesn't get a girl fat very little will.

I like sex in public. In the year and a half that i have been sexually active i've had sex in 73 places. 60 of which were some kind of public area. its fun.

(and I'm not a slut, i've only slept with three people, my fiance is really the only one who was ever able to keep up with me and my libido of dooooom)

__________________

No way. I have 8 other things to do first, and she can't help with any of them.

Damn, I just re-read my list... I think I'll going to be knocking off some real freaks soon. I'm half-scared.

__________________

Then just get her to eat a lot while you fuck the freaks.

Well, it's worth a shot. Anyone who spends enough time around me is going to eat more than usual.



You keep score?

__________________

It is worth a shot. It doesn't take much of a push to get a girl to gain weight unless she's unusually weight conscious in a productive way.

She keeps score for us, her internet audience. It's sweet, really. Also probably because she's at a point where having sex in unusual places still feels somehow novel.

So, this is the part where we go all weak-knee'd with Hawt T33n IntraWeb Desir3? Damn. And me all shagged out, too. I'm not sure I can manage it.

__________________

No matter...

it's cooler now.....for me at least.

No, this is where we go silent for a spell because it's too hard for us to peck out words with one hand occupied at the thought of our Internet Goddess and her out-of-doors exploits. Then, eventually, we go all cute and weak-knee'd.

Damn. What's the other hand for? Punching myself in the head? Lifting kettlebells? Do tell, I'm on tenterhooks. The rollercoaster of desire is interefering with my normal programming.

__________________

I personally use it to text message my friends to let them know that, of the 73 places some girl on the internet's had sex, 60 of them have been in a public area. I assume most people would do the same, but I could be wrong. Maybe they need to write this fun fact down in their 'Fun Fact Notebook,' or on a strip of paper or an index card, to be indexed for further use.

hey you asked for weird sex, and i thought it would make it even weirder if i brought up the number.. yes i keep score, just so i never do the same place twice. ^_^

you never know when one actually keeps a book of fun but useless facts. i know i do.

__________________

I heard of a woman tonight (she works with some fellow I met) who may fulfill mny of the previous list requirements in one hit. She's an honest-to-God 6'4.

Scary...

Monstrous...

Intimidating...

AWESOME.

I'm crossing more than my fingers!



Yeah. Well, that's weird alright. Freaky beyond belief. Strange like nothing else.

(Also, I hope you get kicked to death by a really big farm animal.)

__________________

psh, i eat farm animals for breakfast.

__________________

Yes.

I'LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES! LET'S DRINK TO FUCKING!

I've had sex with 73 different girls at once, 60 of which were outside in public because I couldn't fit them and my 34 inch cock in the room.

EDIT: I'm not a manwhore or anything, but it takes 73 women to keep up with my 34 inches of milk slinging power.

I'll second that.



And quadruple and triple those.

__________________

Nice...

one cant pull that off with low self esteen.

Are guys supposed to do that as well? I'd rather look at naked chicks...

__________________

Richard: did you catch
Yellow fever? Did Dick live
Up to his nickname?

__________________