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2006-01-21, 03:44
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 170
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Fear
You try to rest, but find no peace
For this slithering hunter refuses to cease
It embraces you, the deadly chill
As, with a twisting discomfort, you begin to fill
It slowly creeps down your spine
As it feasts upon your enfeebled mind
You search for safety, but you find not a trace
Solace laughs at you with its pale, grim face
Last edited by cw4119 : 2006-01-21 at 05:13.
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2006-01-21, 03:48
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 170
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ok im not sure what i should do with this....the beginning seems to start off from what would be the middle. Also, the last line "You have felt fear." is that necessary? Is it a strong ending, or should the poem end in a rhyme?
Or if you just wanna be like "omg this is so g4y lol!!11oneone" go ahead, ive done that to a couple people in this section so i deserve it. enjoy.
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2006-01-21, 04:18
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Forum Daemon
Forum Leader
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 4,982
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No need for the last line, once you already have the title as 'fear.' Though I'd suggest making the ending rhyme stronger.
Some suggestions to make it read and flow better: The beginning is fine, it's perfectly acceptable to start at that moment. Take out the word 'for' in the second line. I'm not sure you need 'as' in the fourth. Change 'as it feasts upon' to 'feasting on.' Make it simply 'but find not a trace' in the next line. I'd recommend changing the last line entirely, either reworking it or taking it out and ending on something else. It's awkward, and a weak place to end.
Aside from that it's okay. It doesn't really do anything new, but not everything has to.
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2006-01-21, 05:12
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Senior Metalhead
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 170
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ok i'll get rid of that last line. thanks for all your tips, i'll change it later but for now i need sleep
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2006-01-21, 15:15
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dsnt trust ne1 < 30
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
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I like it now. It sounds either sci-fi-ish or like a disease or something like that. And seeing as how I get nasty headaches that creep down my spine--like I've got right now-- I could really relate to it in that respect.
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My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
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2006-01-21, 21:35
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Toast-whore
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Where the grass is green, and the girls 69.
Posts: 1,473
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Dont put the words Grim, Frostbitten, Necro ect ect In anything which is meant to be serious 
I thought it was fuckin cool, but i agree that the last line isnt needed.
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2006-01-24, 02:33
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Slayer of dumb cunts
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, va
Posts: 3,622
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Its definately not bad. I would agree with reworking the last sentence. Seems kind of out of place. But thats me.
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