This is probably one of my favorite songs i've written. I tend to write best drunk for some reason. I think i saw somebody post that earlier ha. Its not that i am in touch more with my "emotions" i guess for some reason i can find the correct words to place on them.


Through these walls
I can hear through these walls
The horrors that we never claim
Mass distress and violent urges
Its something inside us we never blame

I can hear through these walls
All your suffering and shame
Internal battle and strife
The cancerous meaning of your life

Why do you do this to yourself?
Life makes you hang your hat on the shelf

Here we go again
You want to take the train and run away
But its not for you
I want to pull you back to stay

You never will be ok
Never will be fine

But here we go again
You want to take the newest train
But its not for you
One day you'll think this through

I can't hear through these walls
Too much muck to handle now
Built up too much over time
I can't hear a single heart beat

You never were ok
You were never fine

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I don't think the rhyme in the first and second verses was intentional, but I could be wrong. I would get rid of the life/strife --one or the other word-- in the second part because it's been so over used, but that's up to you. The other thing was about hanging your hat on the shelf. Hanging your hat or setting your hat on a shelf would work, but I dont' think a hat is hung when it's on a shelf.

As far as the flow and balance of thoughts I thought it was pretty good. I do think that after the first 2 verses it seemed to be stronger and my reason for that is the train idea tying them together. It created another sensory aspect to it that was loud and chaotic and yet rhythmic.

It seems very metaphoric and I liked that. The content seemed to elude to a self destructive attitude being observed by another. Pretty cool.

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Thanks for the tips, i'll definately keep that in mind and try it out.

Obviously its alot harder... to really get the full picture without the music behind it. (at least with alot of things i write.)
Because some of the sentences.. .wow really shine through with emotions when backed with the music but then again i'm sure you could realize that. And yes the rhyming was intentional. I should have followed through with it in the last similar paragraph though.

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Well, it's never too late to change it if that's what you want to do to follow through with the rhyme scheme. It wasn't a pertinent issue in the piece to me, but i could be wrong like I was previously.

I think I'd leave the "beat" in that phrase and I like the idea in the line that would be the rhyme line. I don't know if it would fit your tune or not, but adding a comma/pause after the word "now" and adding defeat on the end of that line would get the rhyme in there without throwing off any meaning to the verse. Just a thought and that's the first word I thought of.

And yeah, I try to take it into account if someone says there's music to something. That's why I sometimes will say whether or not a piece of mine is poetry, music, or both.

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It took me a minute what you were saying. I was like wtf is he talking about.. Ok you basically mean something like...


I can't hear through these walls
Too much muck to handle now, defeat
Built up too much over time
I can't hear a single heart beat

But sounding the defeat actually is going with the next "sentence"? such as....

Too much muck to handle now,
(defeat) built up too much over time
I can't hear a single heart beat.

Cause after reviewing that.. Thats a hell of a lot better.
(if thats not what you meant, then oh well you still helped anyway) ha

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lol Okay, that's not quite what I meant, but if it suits you then that's cool.

I'm not sure I like it as much today anyways, but I was thinking --

I can't hear through these walls
Too much muck to handle now,(pause) defeat
Built up too much over time
I can't hear a single heart beat

Btw, I'm a female. You're not the first to call me a "he." No biggie.

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Actually i realized that after i posted that. And was like woops. hah. Yeah i figured thats probably what you meant. I'll take another look at it.

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I know i posted this a lil while back, but i've added this song also to my Myspace "band" page. These lyrics definately should be read while listening to the song to get hte full effect. (speed, and loudness and so on)

http://www.myspace.com/amiserymemoir

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