ubiquotus ambiguity
impenetrable and agnozing it chokes
friend or enemy
the wheel's separated from its spokes

and as the sun explodes into
the hideous reality of fire
our only hope
is his corpse on the pyre

an offering to satiate the coming
inevitable and necessary it brings
peace to the tumult
once again the carrion sings

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Very well, here is your revenge for last time: What does "ubiquotus" mean?
You've got some interesting verse construction going on here; maybe if you shortened down the first line of the second verse? And don't care about that for the last verse; Gessle and ABBA teaches us that you should always vary the last verse.
Spontaneously this feels to me like a "without"-piece, but considering earlier discussions, I can see how it could be a "within"-piece as well. Anyway, as a picture of a landscape of destruction and ending, it's pretty much on the spot. Is it correct that it is, at least partially, about the peace of death?

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From dictionary.com --Being or seeming to be everywhere at the same time; omnipresent

I laughed when I read that first word because that was always one of Denny's favorite words to use. He's a lot brainier than me and uses words like that sometimes just to make me roll my eyes. He does it to other people, too.
But anyways, I thought the visual created by the wheel seperating from the spokes was pretty interesting and gave a good feel of a ripping seperation. The events of sun, offering, sacrifice, and conclusion made me think it was nordic in nature. The end brought it to the next level like there could be a continuation as part of a storyline or concept piece.
I liked it.

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actually about a mayan civilization's response to word of a plague spreading outside their boarders,however it was inspired by the avian flu and the last line is about how plague and death is nature's quick fix to our population problem! peace to the tumult meaning that from nature's stand point the elimination of humanity would bring a great amount of peace

my favorite part is the carrion singing though... especially because i dont think they can!

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Everyone can sing. Don't you know, singing is a way of expression, ey?

So that's the way of it? Well, l'b'xxx mentioned the potentiality of a story line - is it something you're considering?

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yeah actually, i had a fourth verse about someone who'd been cast out. i wrote that piece late at night and the fourth part was kind of ... tacked on feeling. it wasnt quie right. im looking forward to writing more tonight. i simply cant write durin the day!


and amadeus, did you know carrion is a classifcation of animal that eats the dead? vultures..etc

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I was wondering about the use of the word "carrion" in that way. I know it can describe as in Sting's "carrion crow," but I wasn't sure of using it alone. I looked in dictionary.com and it just said rotting or dead flesh, but the's just one source of definition and you can use poetic license anyways.
Just when I think I have something figured out it switches continents entirely. Darn you Tranny! But I'm glad you didn't include something forced and I do hope you add more to it. It's cool so far.

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That use of 'carrion' is fine.

Good flow, if it's read right, but it catches at places. Mostly at the fourth line of the first stanza; try the 'wheel's been' or 'has been' separated. I might recommend putting a verb at the beginning of the preceeding line, but that really depends on what you want.

i like the wheel's been also. i think i had that in there as a draft actually


yes it does catch from time to time. ill rework it tonight

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that's really cool. i love the last line, "once again the carrion sings".

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Of course I know what carrion means, Tranny. You should know...

Anyway, I'm looking forward to see what develops out of this. Maybe we have a whole set of songs, depicting a coherent story, coming? Just thinking.

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quite possibly a continuation to come from this...but it wont be for a while. i tried to write last night and wasnt feeling it, what i wrote was really really lame.
ill be sure post anythign else i come up with though

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Do so, but don't force it unless you feel that your really want to, and have a specific subject, story or part of a story you want to tell.

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Nice work, I like this one a lot.

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