suggestions / improvements please.......................................


untitled

third world chaos, nation choked in poverty
nowhere to run, hypocrisy of man
gorruption is rampant, death of every infant
woman battered, blood scattered
power abuse, justice no use
what shall we do? repent or annihilate
forgive or avenge

fraud dwells in everymind
amassed all fortune the earth possessed
ignoring the cries of people in pain
blasphemy coming out in evry tongue
what shall we do? believe or die
oblivion or live

i foresee the tomorow of the world
events that will happen after yesterday
wars imminent, sufferings will rise
vultures devoured cadavers

this is the time for repentance
this is the time of vengeance
death be by my side
death waving like a high tide


future devastation, miserable life ended
all out war, no more left
got to start anew,its too late
no one left, evrybody caught in a bait


this is the time for repentance
this is the time of vengeance
death be by my side
death waving like a high tide


god have mercy
people gone crazy
no more hope
will you please tell me my pope

Christian xmetalxcorex is the shit.

You've got a really strong beginning in this. Did you make a typo on "Gorruption" or did you invent a new word? That might not be a bad title if you left it that way. Just a thought. In the 4th line should it be "woman" or women? As the singular it sounds a little ackward, but maybe it's the way I'm reading it.

The next part was fine. And the only thing I didn't like about the next was the vulture line. It seemed forced like you couldn't think of what to put there. It just didn't have the strength as the rest even though it had the imagery.

Choruses very good. Loved the last line in it. The repetion in the beginning gives a break from the mass amount of thought in the verses and then adds a bit of imagery before going back into the verse again. Good stuff.

The rest was quite good. I don't know about the "my pope" at the end, but it's your piece and it shows who it's directed at. If you just wanted to generalize the song those 2 words could be omitted and it could be the reader's option as to who it was being directed at. Just other ideas. Don't change it though unless you want to. You're writing for you always, of course.

I really liked this one a lot.

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The 'my pope' line cracked me up. The word 'pope' in a line like that's brilliant, unless you're not exploiting it like I read you are.

In the first verse, I like the inclusion of the internal rhymes, but there need to be fewer. It's nice to have the little change in rhythm but it goes on too long. Try moving 'power abuse, justice no use' to another verse, to create a similar effect. Actually, there's very little prosodic consistency to this, so I'd recommend working on that.

Aside from that, I like apocalyptic art, and this is a good start, but it needs work.