|
2005-11-29, 11:18
|
 |
Senior Metalhead
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 290
|
|
|
Divine Death
Hi, This is the first song I have written so it old. Written it last year and I'm wondering what you think about it.
1. Devine Death
Shuddering from the frigid demise
Time, an impossible battle to prevail
A divine immortal enemy
Slowly wrenching you into demise
Watching as the clock ticks endlessly
A pestilent malady with no cure
Decaying poppy blossoms to lifeless wastes
As wind invokes elegies over forthcoming vaults
No kill me now
It hurts so bad
Everyone is gone
I知 all alone (I知 not ready)
Shuddering from the frigid demise
Time, an impossible battle to prevail
A divine immortal enemy
Slowly wrenching you into demise
To yield and deify death
Liberating your soul from life
As you enter a state of limbo
Death embraces and opens its portals
No kill me now
It hurts so bad
Everyone is gone
I知 all alone (I知 not ready)
No kill me now
It hurts so bad
Everyone is gone
I知 all alone (I知 not ready)
|
|
2005-11-29, 12:28
|
 |
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
In the first verse you've ended the first and last lines with the same word. In some instances if it's carried out throughout the piece and doesn't feel forced it can work sometimes, but in this case it doesn't seem right. I think I'd change the first one to despair or something else that shows that mood. I don't know if you've made this into a song and how important the count is. That word is just a suggestion.
In the next line I didn't care for "to prevail." It sounds ackward to me, but maybe that's just me. I'd drop the "to" and put "prevailing" there.
The second verse I thought was marvelous. You had some wonderful imagery in each line and tied them all together beautifully. That was cool as heck. Very impacting and emotional.
|
|
2005-11-29, 12:28
|
|
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
I'm not quite sure about your choruses though. I'm not sure if you're wanting someone to go ahead and kill the character in "No kill me now" and there should be a comma after "No" to make a pause there or if you mean "Don't kill me now." I think that needs clarified more. And then the last line of that same part I found confusing. I'm getting that he's alone but not ready to die so I'm not sure what he wants there. Maybe just clarification without changing that part would help.
I think it's got some good things going for it, but it just needs tidying up a bit. That one verse is really great. Definitely a keeper even if this isn't the piece it stays in and you use it in something else.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
|
|
2005-11-29, 17:21
|
|
Senior Metalhead
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 290
|
|
|
I wrote it last year but I'm making it into a song now. I never read over it after writing it and never realized I used demise twice. I should use decease and they both have the same amount of syllables. Yea I also forgot to put a comma after No. The character doesn't know if he wants to die or not.
Last edited by Schizoid : 2005-11-29 at 17:24.
|
|
2005-11-29, 21:40
|
|
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
Where would you use decease? In the first demise's place or the second?
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
|
|
2005-11-30, 09:49
|
|
Senior Metalhead
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 290
|
|
|
In the second place.
|
|
2005-11-30, 14:58
|
|
dsnt trust ne1 < 30
|
|
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Home is where the <3 is
Posts: 8,881
|
|
|
I gotcha. That works.
__________________
My eldest son's bipolar website: www.bipolarmanifesto.com
-wally: Mom, you shouldn't play after me because it makes you sound even worse than you already do. -wally:*grumbles and whispers quietly* I guess it's cuz I love you or something, but you're still a TURD
Grimm:I could read your mind but its in font size .5
Amadeus:Oh, and was there a cesserole (never mind spelling) involved?
Paddy:the fact that you didn't end up on a kids show makes me question my atheism
Dyldo: You evil strumpet!
|
|
2005-12-04, 18:39
|
 |
But why is the rum gone ?
|
|
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Keeping the Groove going and staying out of Treble
Posts: 1,778
|
|
|
thats some good shit dude
__________________
Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely
Quote:
|
Guitarists are just people who could Never make it as a Bassist
|
www.riversofgore.com
Join The Forum CUNT |
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
|
